Sweet

Halloween was sad for me the past four years. Now the sadness is gone, and I feel giddy. I decided not to do anything for it this year, Anise is too young, but I have never seen so much pre-halloween hype.

Anise is out with babysitter. I had tons of stuff to get done, now I can't remember what I had to do...

On the sleep front things got better and then worse, it is push and pull. But she is full of smiles and laughter, so I have to take it as it comes - try a little but stay relaxed. Easier said then done. The house is quiet.

Anise's birthday is coming up. I am excited and sad. One year. I have never had a year go by so fast, and it terrifies me because I know the years to come will be faster. I want to have a big celebration, to celebrate life, this life that came to us. How thankful I am that she chose us. This afternoon I found the perfect place to celebrate, yay!

Now: how do I not eat all the candy?

Proud

Too busy to write. Want to though. Writing in my head instead. And I am proud of me because I am holding it together. Really, I am.

Magic

I don't know how Anise ended up sleeping in our room. Actually I do know. I know exactly where the turning point was and when we hit the point of no return. I also know why. Anise started out in our room after we came home from the hospital. Our bed was our regular high bed with a wonderful "co-sleeper" attached to it. Anise was sleeping, but we weren't! She was making funny noises so when she was 3 weeks old we decided to move her into her bedroom where she slept better and we slept better. I felt guilty (of course) because I had read that babies' cortisol levels are lower when they are in their parents bedroom. I also worried about her a lot, when it was too quiet or if she slept for too long I would peek in. Then, when she was almost 6 mos old she started waking up a little more often. We were getting tired. I would nurse her back to sleep because I thought it was just a little phase, and nursing her put her right back to sleep. Then it got hot. There was a fan in our bedroom and not in hers, so one night I said "let's just keep her here" plus we were tired of getting out of bed so often. At this point she was napping only in our bed. Then before we knew it, she was on her own mattress on the floor, next to our mattress which is now on the floor too. Now we are co-sleeping and it has been 5 months. I love it.
I love waking up next to her, holding her in the middle of the night. I love hearing her breathe, I love feeling her hand reach out and touch me. She has a magic touch that she inherited from my husband (when he touches me a little tingle remains after he has taken his hand off). I also worry less. I haven't dreamed that I have forgotten about her in a long time.
I just wish she would go to sleep at 8:00pm.

Rain

Today I hit a low. I had rehearsal all day today, and to get Anise to nap before dropping her at my mom's I walked with her in the pouring rain for 45 min, got drenched, and she didn't even sleep. I thought I would spare my mom a rain walk. This is what I did instead of practicing this morning. Then I worried about leaving her. As it turns out everything was fine, she slept (in her stroller) for 2 hours with my mom, and she even ate lunch! Yay!
As I write this my husband is out for a drive with baby, we are trying something new. Maybe if she sleeps in the car in the evening I can then put her to bed earlier. Last night she wouldn't go down again until 10:30, her teeth are really bugging her so I am blaming the teeth.
I used to think it was a problem that I had to nurse her to sleep, now I am wishing she would nurse so I could get her to sleep! When she won't nurse there is nothing I can do to get her to sleep. I have a feeling it hurts her to nurse, because she seems to want to and not want to at the same time. She has also been biting A LOT. So now I nurse her in fear, thank goodness she doesn't have top teeth yet.
Maybe all this is a good thing, maybe she is in the process of weaning herself a bit. Or maybe it is all because of mercury retrograde (I believe that).
I am tired.

Sleep (again)

How do you make someone sleep? You can set the stage for sleep, create a routine, dim the lights, read a story, sing, stand on your head, do a chicken dance, but you cannot force someone to sleep. I can trust that it will happen, it usually does. I try to tell myself that every day Anise ends up sleeping. But working at it is sucking up way too much energy. I would love for Anise to nap at 10 and at 2 and go to bed at 8. I think I am doing all that I know how to have that happen, but it is not happening. Then the guilt. I must be doing something wrong since it is technically possible, other babies do it. I had a baby who slept a lot at first, and I have to admit that when I would talk to people who were having trouble with their babies' sleep, I would tell them what I do, as if I were partially responsible for the success. But the truth is, Anise was.

Anise is very happy baby. She plays and plays and loves to play. When she gets tired she rubs her eyes, sometimes she yawns, and she keeps playing. Up until one and a half weeks ago Anise was taking two long naps. But she decided that she doesn't want to sleep in her (our) bed anymore, so I resorted to stroller, which has its advantages and disadvantages. I saw it as a temporary solution, because I was interpreting this as a transition. Maybe even a good transition because she is wanting to nurse less (and the "problem" we have is that she will only fall asleep while nursing) and someone else can put her to sleep.

The other day I tried to be forceful and sat with her on the bed as she threw her tantrum. She got very upset, I managed to stay neutral. Then it started to bother me. What bothered me was seeing Anise angry with me, but then looking to me for comfort. I felt bad. I felt that if I continued to force the bond of trust would be destroyed, so it was time to stop.

Yesterday she only had one nap. I tried not to take it too seriously thinking she would go to bed early. That didn't happen. Not only did that not happen, but she didn't want to go to sleep with us (which is the usual end result of a late night). She crawled off the bed. What do other co-sleepers do? Where have I gone wrong? Why doesn't she like to sleep? She has a gusto for life that is amazing to see, and she loves to play, I guess that trumps sleep.

Part of me thinks this is not a problem, I trust this will sort itself out. We are in transition and I should go with the flow. But another part of me thinks that if things aren't fixed now they will get worse, plus she needs to sleep, and I need her to sleep!

People give me good advice, but it the same as my advice, it is nothing knew, and I have tried it many times and it does not work. Should I stop fighting? I know the more stressed I get the less she sill sleep, but that just makes me stressed about being stressed!

Something in me has to change. I trust that. But what, and how? What I don't trust is myself. How do I get Anise to sleep?

Identity

I remember making a list. It was supposed to be in order of importance. Woman, Canadian, musician, daughter, sister etc. But what I am or who I am is my body. We forget that sometimes. I remember someone asking me "who I was" and I was rambling about something, and the person said - look down, at your body. Feel your heart beat and hear yourself breathe, that is who you are.

Sometimes we say "my body has failed me" but that is not possible, how could it fail you if it is you? Our bodies are just that. They get sick, they heal, and ultimately they die. Sometimes they actually create another body inside a body (it is still weird even after it has happened). But mostly we forget them, or hate them, or mistreat them, objectify them, sexualize them, or ignore them.

What we use to identify ourselves is just transient, and it all could change. We like to categorize, or put ourselves into roles. "I am a mother, I am a wife", but really I am me.

And then I look down and I see a little body sucking on me, and by some miracle, and without me feeling it, milk comes out.

Stroller naps and stuff

I feel like I am a one-themed (maybe two) blogger. It is the sleep the sleep the sleep thing that I am becoming obsessed with. My husband asked me what I was planning to do today, and the answer is "getting Anise to nap". I do go places and do things with Anise, but really my main goal every day is to get Anise to nap, but I am thinking of giving that up. I think I will have a new strategy: I will plan to do something, and she will just nap! Today she threw a tantrum when I tried to nurse her to sleep. That is a good thing! It means we are in transition. It looks like we are going to start a new routine of stroller naps.

2 stroller naps in one day!! That means I haven't changed her diaper in ? hours...

I hate my house. I have no reason to hate it, I just don't like it at the moment. I am in it a lot, and I have time to look around and criticize it. It is dark this time of year. It is disorganized, and messy, and cluttered. I want to renovate, or move, or clean. I need the change.

I have a passion for moving furniture around. It makes me feel like I have a new house. I also love to daydream about renovating and shifting walls and adding on. I often feel if my house were in order my life would be easier. Is that true? I love reading through Martha Stewart magazine and seeing very sparse, empty and clean closets. Do people really live like that? If I want to, then why can't I? I am too attached to my things. My things are memories and I love thinking about them. But memories are in my head and they aren't going anywhere, I could if I choose to just remember the things!

How do I get rid of stuff? By buying new furniture!!

Wow, time to write twice in one day. Well my day has improved, the pee is cleaned up, and a lot of laundry is done. I figured out what was bothering me, talked about it and now I feel better. "The Universe is giving me what I want" said my wise friend. She is right. I have to stop this nonsense once and for all, I cannot have it both ways. I cry because I have too much work and I cry because I don't have enough work. I am not happy with the work I do have. Maybe I would never be. Everyone else's gig always seems better than it really is. I don't like to see jeaulousy in me, but is reassures me to see it in other people. If I don't take it personally, and stop making it about my ego, then it doesn't really matter, especially because right now I don't want the work, the concerts I do have are hard enough as it is.

Last night my wrist hurt so much I though I would have to cancel my concert Friday and the one next week. It was the first time in my life I even thought about having to cancel a concert. It would be a disaster. But I felt so relieved at the thought of not having to do it! That relief scared me, have I committed to something I don't want to do? I used to look forward to concerts. My whole life was planned around them. It is a very strange feeling to be dreading them. What will Anise do? She will have to stay up really late, or maybe daddy will take her for a drive. I know there is always a solution, and she is almost 11 months old for goodness sake! But the terror! What if she gets hungry??? Will that fear ever leave me? I remember those early days, that horrible sinking feeling she has to eat. It is no longer true, but my body still believes that it is.

Ok, bedtime. I dread it. Anise goes to sleep earlier which is great but wakes up every 45 min...

Pee

Just as I was thinking about writing about sadness, Karen posted something about sadness. Weird. Eerie actually because that keeps happening.

I haven't had a chance to write and I have been craving it. Of course by now I have forgotten everything I wanted to say.

I had a scary dream, a dream about my own mortality. This is the first time in my life I have had a dream like that. I know my thoughts about my own death have changed since having a child, because now I really can't die, and not because of my own will to live, but for someone else. But that dream led to another dream about having more kids, or rather not being able to.

I (we rather) want more kids. At least one other one, maybe two. And I am suddenly starting to panic that it might not work. It has made me realize that I think about having another as if it were a sure thing and that is not a good way to think. I thought that I had learned my lesson about planning and waiting and wanting, but I guess not. I use the notion of "another kid" to help me get through the nostalgia I am already feeling for Anise. Instead of confronting the sadness of Anise never being tiny again, or never fitting into that cute dress ever again, I shrug it off and think "there will be another one". As if I will relive this whole experience again. Or as if to relive giving birth again, but this time it will go the way I wanted it to go.

I dream of having a family, and in my fantasy that includes more than one child. But I have a family, and I almost couldn't have one child. Recently I have been reliving the pain of the four years we struggled with infertility. I don't know what triggered it, and it should be behind me now, but I am afraid I will relive it again. The pain was insidious it was there all the time, and it turned to anger and frustration mixed in with hope and optimism which led to even more pain.

I had 3 miscarriages, all conceived on my own, after having taken a while to get pregnant. But for me the miscarriages weren't that bad because they brought hope. The worst was waiting every month. Every month that I didn't conceive was another miscarriage. Then the IVF. I hated it because by then I had lost my optimism and I was bitter. But then it worked! Out of that bitterness came immense joy. We were very lucky amongst the unlucky. What if it doesn't work next time?

Why am I thinking of that now? Where is this sadness coming from? Something isn't feeling right. Is it just plain old stress? I have a lot of concerts coming up and a lot of work to do, and now work is impossible because Anise doesn't nap any more and is at an age where she needs a lot of attention. I feel like I am questioning my whole career too much, I feel I am in limbo. I wish I could decide, either quit and do something else, or continue with my work but be happy with it.

My mom is now here so that I could do some work, but I am sneaking off to write this instead. My dog (who has fleas) just peed in the house when I was gone and Anise just crawled in it. Nice.

I guess I better go.

Mother-in-laws

My mother-in-law was just in town, and she decided to tell me that we pick Anise up too much, respond too quickly to her "caprices", and she did not fail to tell me that she is extremely worried about the fact that Anise doesn't have "independence" because she doesn't sleep in her own bed.

We all have a disapproving mother-in-law, or mother, or sister or aunt. But the worst mother-in-law is the disapproving mother-in-law within ourselves. I was thinking about how those comments upset me, or rather why it upsets me. I am confident (most of the time), I never doubt my decision to hold my baby when she cries. I don't share many philosophies or values with my mother-in-law, so why do I give credence to her judgment of me? Does she prey on my drop of doubt? The problem is not her comments, but within me. I guess if I were 100% confident I wouldn't care.

I just came back from a wonderful afternoon with my playgroup. Our playgroup is made up of intelligent, educated, interesting women, all with their first babies, all under one year. We have good conversation, and some wine. But there is also doubt, and insecurity. Some of us are worried our breastfed babies are too fat (advice given was to feed less), others too small (should not be exclusively breastfeeding), others are worried they hold their babies too much (should let her cry on her own) and others (like me!) should not be nursing baby to sleep every time.

Why is a group of five educated, capable, loving, nurturing women so insecure? Where have we (society) gone wrong? We are capable, mature women, who are financially stable, and in stable relationships. We are confident in our careers, our art, and in our minds, but we doubt our abilities as mothers. Maybe we were pushed too hard to excel, and motherhood is not something that can be measured. Maybe we are working too hard, striving for perfection. Maybe we need control, or an illusion of control. We should stop using phrases like "I hold her too much" and start saying things like "she wants to be held". Instead of saying "I nurse Anise to sleep " I should say " Anise likes to fall asleep while being nursed". And because I listen to my daughter, and because I have made the decision to devote myself to her fully, and because of where she is in her development, I have decided I am going to give her what she needs so that she can fall asleep, and be happy and secure. I feel like somewhere our role as nurturers was not nurtured. We were not taught how to believe in our abilities. Perhaps we read too much, learn too much, and listen to much. Instead of reading, learning and listening to both our babies and our inner wisdom. Ultimately we know deep in our hearts we are doing things right, yet we can't seem to quell our dependence on hearing it come from somewhere else.

Tongue

Lat night Anise bit me. She bit me while nursing, with her 2 little bottom teeth sinking in. I know that they bite when they get older, but I thought 10 and a half months was a little young. I said a really firm "no" and she replied by giggling and showing her tongue, it is her latest trick, and it looks like this:


It was very hard not to laugh.

Routine

Ok, finally a minute to write. I don't know how those other moms do it.

Things have gotten better. Anise has gone to bed earlier 3 days in a row now. My wise friend (not me) whose name starts with M (ok, she is also my best friend and her name is MARIA) has a great theory. She says that babies change naturally when we are ready for them to change. Maybe that is what happened. All I had to do was read the book, and Anise decided she could go to sleep earlier. We did, however, lose our nap karma.

The thing with routine is that I hate it and I crave it. I used to be depressed as a kid because every day was the same. I hated waking up at the same time, doing homework at the same time, going to sleep at the same time. I love change and I looked forward to things being different. Then they were. My career has no routine, sometimes I work a lot, sometimes I go long stretches with nothing. Every concert is with different people in different places, rehearsals at different times etc. All I dream about is becoming settled, when I can finally settle into a routine and breathe a sigh of relief, as if time will stop. It is as if routine represents not having to think, or make decisions. My husband has a routine with an office job, so I live through his routine. His routine means that weekends are real weekends, and a day has a clear destination (6:45), so I can structure my day around his schedule.

When I read all of my baby books I came to understand the importance of routine. At first it depressed and overwhelmed me. I didn't think I would be able to do it. I tried, but when they are little there isn't much of a routine. We did the bath/bedtime routine without fail every day from when she was about 3 months old. Then all of a sudden it stopped working, she wouldn't go to sleep. So I went with her. Then I worked on getting her bedtime back on track by advancing it 15 min a day. That worked. Then we went to France. Then she got even smarter. Then I gave up on the routine because I was spending 2 hours trying to get her to sleep. Now I can't decide when she should go down, I can't nurse her to sleep if she doesn't want to go to sleep, she figured out how to crawl out of bed! Then I decide to let her play until she was ready (10:00pm). Then I got very upset. Now she is going to sleep a little earlier. Now we will re-establish the routine.

Now when I look at our day, I realize there is a very well established routine. It has been there for a long time, but I wasn't seeing it. I think once a routine is engraved you don't feel it, it just happens. It is hard to balance the routine with allowing it to waver. Today Anise missed her morning nap completely, only the second time since she was born! (the first time was last week). What to do? It threw off the whole day! I decided to let it go, and get on with our day. Is this a new trend, is she giving up her morning nap?

They change so fast, yet the change is so gradual. Things happen that are different, yet they are not necessarily new trends. Routines establish themselves, yet their rhythm is always changing. Everything is a contradiction, yet it all makes sense.

It's funny, I have an awareness as I write or talk about naps and sleeping, that soon this will not be an issue. I see how mundane and boring the topic is (try talking to someone without kids), but that is the focus of our life right now. We are entrenched in the puzzle of sleep. Funny how we all end up sleeping through the night.

Boob

helllllpppppppppp!!!!!! I should be in bed, Anise is asleep, I am exhausted but instead I am surfing and watching tv at the same time!! I dread going to sleep because I know I will be woken up, but all I want more than anything is to go to sleep!

Something feels wrong. I nurse too much. Could there be such a thing? Who determines how much someone should nurse? Who is counting besides me? It's just if I look around I don't see other babies nursing as much. Again does it matter? I can think in circles, no- spirals, I oscillate between my angst, and then my wise woman telling me that it is all okay. I guess I should be listening to the Wise One but these days the Anxious One is crying pretty loudly.

Ok, she is teething, and has a cold. Not an appropriate time to be making changes. But I am having regrets. I know, I know, my wise friend warned me about hindsight, yet I can't help but think that I am responsible for some of the sleep issues we are having. I had a newborn who was practically sleeping through the night. Anise was a great sleeper, and in her crib too, all until the age of 51/2 months and it all went downhill. Slowly. Now she is in our bed (which has been moved on to the floor) and nursing at least every 2 hours, sometimes more, oh and going to sleep after 10!! I feel I am losing control, but is control just an illusion? I love that at 10 months old her will is strong and clear. Why would I want to stifle that?

Now it is the next day and I have a bit more perspective. Hope maybe, or optimism, or blind delusion? I reread my book, Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution. So far it has been a no sleep no-cry sleep solution. This morning I thought ok, I HAVE to make more of an effort to re-establish the nighttime routine, I HAVE to get her to sleep earlier, I HAVE to be more determined and I HAVE to do things right. Then I thought no, screw this, I HAVE to stop reading, and stop listening to someone else, and keep listening to Anise and to myself (well, to half of myself). Because either option will not help Anise sleep, and one will make me feel bad about what I am doing, and the other option will let myself off the hook. Either way I will be tired.

What should I do???

Another World

Who knew. There is a whole world out there. A blogging world, a community where people interact and chat and share. Like facebook. I innocently joined and then found out that there is a whole world out there, goings on , conversations, gifts and photos. All of this happenning without me. It was like being in high school again, everyone is collecting friends, but I am left out. Not really left out, I do have friends and my count is growing, slowly.

The definition of community and belonging has certainly changed. It is easier to find like-minded spirits, but it is sad that we don't actually meet.

Yesterday my mom made lunch for me, my mother-in-law who is in from out of town, and her aunt who is also visiting. My workaholic mother-in-law commented that "all the men are at work, and the women are having lunch". Thanks. No only is motherhood not a job, but neither is being a musician. Being home with a child is misleading, because one can socialize, one can talk on the phone, go for walks, have a picnic. That doesn't sound like work. But what I can't do is practice, make important business phone calls, write grant applications (especially coherent ones), plan programs, send out cd proposals, print out brochures, ok stop. And what is wrong with having lunch?

I don't know, this whole women's lib thing...Have we really gained a choice? We lost our community of other women who are doing the same thing. I am sure some must have enjoyed it, no? We gained the right to be torn between work and family. We gained the right to make our husbands feel bad because they have to go to work (someone has to!). We gained sensitive men who feel pressure to be home, help out, wake up at night, go to work, make money and be successful. We have become women who can't work to our potential, feel tremendous guilt, or give up on their dreams. True equality is one parent being home with their children (someone has to), but it should be either men or women staying home. Or Women taking one year, and then men taking one year. But this situation has to change.

I thought I was lucky, I thought I had the best of both worlds. My career is not full time, I work often in the evening and weekends, and I could make my own schedule. But it is not ideal. The emotional energy it takes to perform and prepare is far greater than I knew. I was doing it unconsciously, and now that I don't have the time or headspace, I can't perform, or plan , or organize to the level I am capable of. Not to mention the fact that I don't make any money.

Well, that was my rant for the day, now I am going to go back to drinking my excellent cappuccino, which I am drinking at a cafe while sitting outside on a terrace on a gorgeous sunny day, with free wireles, a sleeping baby and sleeping dog next to me. Does life get any better?

Bedtime

I was thinking the other day about how hard things are. Changing diapers, no sleep, constant attention, being trapped. Then I remembered how hard it was before, when I wasn't getting pregnant. When everyone else was having theirs, and then their seconds. It hurt so much. It was the first time in my life I experienced jealousy to that degree. I was jealous of people I loved. I longed to have their problems. Now I do, and I love it! I am happy. Things are not that hard, I just forgot for a moment. Then I remembered. Happiness come and goes in waves, sometimes strong, sometimes weak.

I remember when I was 13 years old and my grandfather died, I looked at my grandmother and wondered how she could ever be happy. When the worst thing that could possibly happen happens, where is there room for happiness? Of course we need to feel sadness to feel happiness, but in my mind sadness to that degree could never leave. Is there a difference between happiness and contentedness? Could I be happy, yet still hate changing diapers? Could I admit that sometimes things feel hard, even though this is what I wished for? Did I have to have experienced loss and frustration to appreciate what I have? - Lots of questions!

They say that couples who have unplanned pregnancies cope better once the baby has arrived than parents who planned to have a child. The reason for that is the couples who plan only imagine the bliss and are shocked by what is hard, and the couples who dread having a baby are surprised by how wonderful it is. I wanted a baby, we planned for a long time. I am shocked by how wonderful it is.

Do we need to be happy, or shouldn't we strive for neutral? What makes us happy, is it having things to look forward to, is it dreaming of a blissful future? Do we feel happy right now? Is it possible to stop waiting? My day starts out with me waiting for the end of the day, so I can be with my husband and finally relax. My week starts with me waiting for the end of the week, I look forward to weekends when we could all be together. I wait for vacation, where we finally enjoy life. I waited for high school, then for university, then for grad school, then for a career, then for a baby, and here I am. Now I wait for Anise to walk, and then to talk, to start school, then maybe to have another baby. I wait to settle into a routine, and I forget to notice we already have a routine. I try to capture moments. I try to take snapshots in my mind, I do that literally, I hear a click and I try to burn images in my memory, but time doesn't stop long enough for me to hang on to the moment and it is already gone. It is hard to live in the moment when moments move.
Baby is up, time for bed.

Instinct

I had a great post in my head when I was half asleep. I can't remember it now.

I am thinking about pressure. Pressure we put on ourselves and pressure we get form others. I was also thinking about guilt (again!) and the phrase "being let off the hook" and I had an epiphany, a moment where I let myself off the hook for a minute and my life changed (for a minute). Then I went back to being normal (normally neurotic). But I know it is possible.

We get all sorts of advice all the time, the best is "follow your instincts". You should not nurse your baby in the middle of the night after they are 6 months old, but follow your instincts. You should let your baby cry, so they could learn to fall asleep on their own, and follow your instincts. You should only be nursing 3 times a day by now, but follow your instincts. Your baby should sleep in their own bed, otherwise they will be sleeping with you when you are 10, but follow your instincts, and do what feels right. Does any of that stuff actually matter? There is no baby police out there keeping tabs on baby's bedtime. But it feels like there is. What feels right is responding to my baby's cries. What feels right is hearing those cries as a form of communication and not interpreting them as manipulation. We impose. We impose our opinions on others, and we impose our interpretations and impositions on to babies. Even the language we use supposes intentions that aren't there. When we say a baby is good, we mean the baby did not express their discontent or discomfort at a moment that was not appropriate for us. We place value judgments on their expressions. As if a baby is purposely being bad by not wanting to be in their car seat anymore. We have to stand back and observe the emotion, acknowledge it and try to help. And stop blaming ourselves.

The truth is that I blame myself for the fact that she is not sleeping. I feel wrong when I nurse her. That is a big load of baggage to be putting on a 10 month old. If someone I admired said to me, "it is all okay" or better yet, "she should be going to bed late, and the more often she nurses the better", it would all feel ok. So why can't I pretend that is the case? Better than pretend, believe? Because I judge other people that is why. So long as I judge, there is a right and a wrong, and I could be doing either. But if there were no right or wrong, then I could be neither right nor wrong. If everything we do is okay, then it is all OK.