Star Anise

Wow, time to write twice in one day. Well my day has improved, the pee is cleaned up, and a lot of laundry is done. I figured out what was bothering me, talked about it and now I feel better. "The Universe is giving me what I want" said my wise friend. She is right. I have to stop this nonsense once and for all, I cannot have it both ways. I cry because I have too much work and I cry because I don't have enough work. I am not happy with the work I do have. Maybe I would never be. Everyone else's gig always seems better than it really is. I don't like to see jeaulousy in me, but is reassures me to see it in other people. If I don't take it personally, and stop making it about my ego, then it doesn't really matter, especially because right now I don't want the work, the concerts I do have are hard enough as it is.

Last night my wrist hurt so much I though I would have to cancel my concert Friday and the one next week. It was the first time in my life I even thought about having to cancel a concert. It would be a disaster. But I felt so relieved at the thought of not having to do it! That relief scared me, have I committed to something I don't want to do? I used to look forward to concerts. My whole life was planned around them. It is a very strange feeling to be dreading them. What will Anise do? She will have to stay up really late, or maybe daddy will take her for a drive. I know there is always a solution, and she is almost 11 months old for goodness sake! But the terror! What if she gets hungry??? Will that fear ever leave me? I remember those early days, that horrible sinking feeling she has to eat. It is no longer true, but my body still believes that it is.

Ok, bedtime. I dread it. Anise goes to sleep earlier which is great but wakes up every 45 min...