How do you make someone sleep? You can set the stage for sleep, create a routine, dim the lights, read a story, sing, stand on your head, do a chicken dance, but you cannot force someone to sleep. I can trust that it will happen, it usually does. I try to tell myself that every day Anise ends up sleeping. But working at it is sucking up way too much energy. I would love for Anise to nap at 10 and at 2 and go to bed at 8. I think I am doing all that I know how to have that happen, but it is not happening. Then the guilt. I must be doing something wrong since it is technically possible, other babies do it. I had a baby who slept a lot at first, and I have to admit that when I would talk to people who were having trouble with their babies' sleep, I would tell them what I do, as if I were partially responsible for the success. But the truth is, Anise was.
Anise is very happy baby. She plays and plays and loves to play. When she gets tired she rubs her eyes, sometimes she yawns, and she keeps playing. Up until one and a half weeks ago Anise was taking two long naps. But she decided that she doesn't want to sleep in her (our) bed anymore, so I resorted to stroller, which has its advantages and disadvantages. I saw it as a temporary solution, because I was interpreting this as a transition. Maybe even a good transition because she is wanting to nurse less (and the "problem" we have is that she will only fall asleep while nursing) and someone else can put her to sleep.
The other day I tried to be forceful and sat with her on the bed as she threw her tantrum. She got very upset, I managed to stay neutral. Then it started to bother me. What bothered me was seeing Anise angry with me, but then looking to me for comfort. I felt bad. I felt that if I continued to force the bond of trust would be destroyed, so it was time to stop.
Yesterday she only had one nap. I tried not to take it too seriously thinking she would go to bed early. That didn't happen. Not only did that not happen, but she didn't want to go to sleep with us (which is the usual end result of a late night). She crawled off the bed. What do other co-sleepers do? Where have I gone wrong? Why doesn't she like to sleep? She has a gusto for life that is amazing to see, and she loves to play, I guess that trumps sleep.
Part of me thinks this is not a problem, I trust this will sort itself out. We are in transition and I should go with the flow. But another part of me thinks that if things aren't fixed now they will get worse, plus she needs to sleep, and I need her to sleep!
People give me good advice, but it the same as my advice, it is nothing knew, and I have tried it many times and it does not work. Should I stop fighting? I know the more stressed I get the less she sill sleep, but that just makes me stressed about being stressed!
Something in me has to change. I trust that. But what, and how? What I don't trust is myself. How do I get Anise to sleep?
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The bond of your trust will never be destroyed. Sleep is the eternal backdrop for this drama between the two of you. Sleep is everyone's eternal backdrop. When sleep happens, it is only a lull between transitions. So a day without a nap is not a conclusion, not a never, not an outcome. All behavior is conditioned. Keep creating the conditions for healthy habits. She will fall in and out of them, as she falls in and out of everything.
ReplyDeleteThe only adage I found true was this: the more they sleep the more they sleep; the less they sleep the less they sleep. And trust this: agitation is in the air right now. It too will pass. Give yourself a day off; maybe a week off. It's amazing what vacates during vacations.
If I "knew" how to help her sleep, or my son, I would tell you. I would probably also be rich and famous. :)
ReplyDeleteJust know that you are not alone in this.
And as for trust? Can we really say we trust another when there is never a break, a breech, the capacity to mend and repair and reconnect? Leaving and returning, messing up and apologizing, having it go smoothly and then turn to chaos and then somehow find calm again, this seems to me the meaning of trust.
Sometimes all I can do is trust in the self that knows what to do even when she doesn't rust herself.