Mother-in-laws

My mother-in-law was just in town, and she decided to tell me that we pick Anise up too much, respond too quickly to her "caprices", and she did not fail to tell me that she is extremely worried about the fact that Anise doesn't have "independence" because she doesn't sleep in her own bed.

We all have a disapproving mother-in-law, or mother, or sister or aunt. But the worst mother-in-law is the disapproving mother-in-law within ourselves. I was thinking about how those comments upset me, or rather why it upsets me. I am confident (most of the time), I never doubt my decision to hold my baby when she cries. I don't share many philosophies or values with my mother-in-law, so why do I give credence to her judgment of me? Does she prey on my drop of doubt? The problem is not her comments, but within me. I guess if I were 100% confident I wouldn't care.

I just came back from a wonderful afternoon with my playgroup. Our playgroup is made up of intelligent, educated, interesting women, all with their first babies, all under one year. We have good conversation, and some wine. But there is also doubt, and insecurity. Some of us are worried our breastfed babies are too fat (advice given was to feed less), others too small (should not be exclusively breastfeeding), others are worried they hold their babies too much (should let her cry on her own) and others (like me!) should not be nursing baby to sleep every time.

Why is a group of five educated, capable, loving, nurturing women so insecure? Where have we (society) gone wrong? We are capable, mature women, who are financially stable, and in stable relationships. We are confident in our careers, our art, and in our minds, but we doubt our abilities as mothers. Maybe we were pushed too hard to excel, and motherhood is not something that can be measured. Maybe we are working too hard, striving for perfection. Maybe we need control, or an illusion of control. We should stop using phrases like "I hold her too much" and start saying things like "she wants to be held". Instead of saying "I nurse Anise to sleep " I should say " Anise likes to fall asleep while being nursed". And because I listen to my daughter, and because I have made the decision to devote myself to her fully, and because of where she is in her development, I have decided I am going to give her what she needs so that she can fall asleep, and be happy and secure. I feel like somewhere our role as nurturers was not nurtured. We were not taught how to believe in our abilities. Perhaps we read too much, learn too much, and listen to much. Instead of reading, learning and listening to both our babies and our inner wisdom. Ultimately we know deep in our hearts we are doing things right, yet we can't seem to quell our dependence on hearing it come from somewhere else.