Boob

helllllpppppppppp!!!!!! I should be in bed, Anise is asleep, I am exhausted but instead I am surfing and watching tv at the same time!! I dread going to sleep because I know I will be woken up, but all I want more than anything is to go to sleep!

Something feels wrong. I nurse too much. Could there be such a thing? Who determines how much someone should nurse? Who is counting besides me? It's just if I look around I don't see other babies nursing as much. Again does it matter? I can think in circles, no- spirals, I oscillate between my angst, and then my wise woman telling me that it is all okay. I guess I should be listening to the Wise One but these days the Anxious One is crying pretty loudly.

Ok, she is teething, and has a cold. Not an appropriate time to be making changes. But I am having regrets. I know, I know, my wise friend warned me about hindsight, yet I can't help but think that I am responsible for some of the sleep issues we are having. I had a newborn who was practically sleeping through the night. Anise was a great sleeper, and in her crib too, all until the age of 51/2 months and it all went downhill. Slowly. Now she is in our bed (which has been moved on to the floor) and nursing at least every 2 hours, sometimes more, oh and going to sleep after 10!! I feel I am losing control, but is control just an illusion? I love that at 10 months old her will is strong and clear. Why would I want to stifle that?

Now it is the next day and I have a bit more perspective. Hope maybe, or optimism, or blind delusion? I reread my book, Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution. So far it has been a no sleep no-cry sleep solution. This morning I thought ok, I HAVE to make more of an effort to re-establish the nighttime routine, I HAVE to get her to sleep earlier, I HAVE to be more determined and I HAVE to do things right. Then I thought no, screw this, I HAVE to stop reading, and stop listening to someone else, and keep listening to Anise and to myself (well, to half of myself). Because either option will not help Anise sleep, and one will make me feel bad about what I am doing, and the other option will let myself off the hook. Either way I will be tired.

What should I do???