Instinct

I had a great post in my head when I was half asleep. I can't remember it now.

I am thinking about pressure. Pressure we put on ourselves and pressure we get form others. I was also thinking about guilt (again!) and the phrase "being let off the hook" and I had an epiphany, a moment where I let myself off the hook for a minute and my life changed (for a minute). Then I went back to being normal (normally neurotic). But I know it is possible.

We get all sorts of advice all the time, the best is "follow your instincts". You should not nurse your baby in the middle of the night after they are 6 months old, but follow your instincts. You should let your baby cry, so they could learn to fall asleep on their own, and follow your instincts. You should only be nursing 3 times a day by now, but follow your instincts. Your baby should sleep in their own bed, otherwise they will be sleeping with you when you are 10, but follow your instincts, and do what feels right. Does any of that stuff actually matter? There is no baby police out there keeping tabs on baby's bedtime. But it feels like there is. What feels right is responding to my baby's cries. What feels right is hearing those cries as a form of communication and not interpreting them as manipulation. We impose. We impose our opinions on others, and we impose our interpretations and impositions on to babies. Even the language we use supposes intentions that aren't there. When we say a baby is good, we mean the baby did not express their discontent or discomfort at a moment that was not appropriate for us. We place value judgments on their expressions. As if a baby is purposely being bad by not wanting to be in their car seat anymore. We have to stand back and observe the emotion, acknowledge it and try to help. And stop blaming ourselves.

The truth is that I blame myself for the fact that she is not sleeping. I feel wrong when I nurse her. That is a big load of baggage to be putting on a 10 month old. If someone I admired said to me, "it is all okay" or better yet, "she should be going to bed late, and the more often she nurses the better", it would all feel ok. So why can't I pretend that is the case? Better than pretend, believe? Because I judge other people that is why. So long as I judge, there is a right and a wrong, and I could be doing either. But if there were no right or wrong, then I could be neither right nor wrong. If everything we do is okay, then it is all OK.