The Truth

It's the little things that are hard. It sounds ridiculous when said out loud, but it's true. The lawn furniture was moved and blocks my stroller path. The computer was changed and my fonts are gone. There are boxes blocking the basement cupboard so I can't get my gloves.

Anise had a meltdown this morning. I hate when people use that word, but she had one, and it was her first. She was exhausted, I know that, but went hysterical when we tried to lie down. I had two perfect days in a row (10, 2, 8) and I know it is "two steps forward, one step back". I know improvement is gradual, I can't expect too much, but it is hard. I didn't know what to do, so I put baby in the stroller and left the house, she fell asleep in a second.

By the time I left the house I felt like it had been a whole day. I feel Anise is expressing anger for the first time. Is it my fault, is she picking up on my anger? Why am I angry? I feel like we haven't settled yet, that the house is in disarray, that there is nowhere to store things, that we are disorganized and I am waiting for that to change. But it won't. Life is whizzing by at a pace so fast we can't keep up. Too many things need to get done, not enough time.

I know husband is under a lot of pressure. I know he is under too much pressure. I know part of that is my fault. But sometimes I feel resentful that he doesn't know what it feels like to be taking care of Anise full time. He doesn't know what it feels like to go to the bathroom every morning with either:
a) a screaming baby
b) a baby on your lap
c) a baby sticking their hand in the toilet
d) a baby getting into trouble and having to get up and take something away

He doesn't know what it feels like to be on watch 24/7. Last night I woke up and noticed Anise was in the middle of the room, she crawled off her bed. I keep watch in my sleep, something which is both fascinating and disturbing.

He doesn't know what it feels like to try to control things unsuccessfully, to constantly be blaming oneself for making the wrong choice. To be completely alone while making a million decisions a day, all of which are both inconsequential and extremely important. To not be able to take a 2 minute break if you need one, (or taking a break because you need one while somebody screams in the next room, which doesn't end up feeling like a break - or better yet - calling on mom to babysit to take a break and go shopping for food only to come back to a crying baby who then reaches out to you with a red swollen face and stops as soon as you take her in your arms, thus regretting the decision to take that stupid shopping break). To be responsible for someone's well being, and then knowing you will have to let them go one day. To be responsible for someone's happiness (or sleep schedule) all the while knowing that ultimately they are responsible for their own happiness and sleep.

I just want to share these feeling with the person who shares everything else with me. But I can't, just like he can't share what is feels like to have to work so that we could survive. To have no sleep and have to function in public, and be judged by colleagues and clients, and then come home to a hollow wife and cranky baby.

Is there a point at which we can meet in the middle?

I am not unhappy. I am not bitter. I love my life right now. I love taking care of Anise, the joys are limitless. I am just surprised by what is hard. I can't prepare for the hard moments that come out of nowhere and out of nothing, and then are over in one second. I can't prepare for the physical challenges that require a strength that took me one year to get.

But then I look down at my nursing angel who is playing with a button on my shirt, and nothing has ever made me as happy.

Sleep (again)

How do you make someone sleep? You can set the stage for sleep, create a routine, dim the lights, read a story, sing, stand on your head, do a chicken dance, but you cannot force someone to sleep. I can trust that it will happen, it usually does. I try to tell myself that every day Anise ends up sleeping. But working at it is sucking up way too much energy. I would love for Anise to nap at 10 and at 2 and go to bed at 8. I think I am doing all that I know how to have that happen, but it is not happening. Then the guilt. I must be doing something wrong since it is technically possible, other babies do it. I had a baby who slept a lot at first, and I have to admit that when I would talk to people who were having trouble with their babies' sleep, I would tell them what I do, as if I were partially responsible for the success. But the truth is, Anise was.

Anise is very happy baby. She plays and plays and loves to play. When she gets tired she rubs her eyes, sometimes she yawns, and she keeps playing. Up until one and a half weeks ago Anise was taking two long naps. But she decided that she doesn't want to sleep in her (our) bed anymore, so I resorted to stroller, which has its advantages and disadvantages. I saw it as a temporary solution, because I was interpreting this as a transition. Maybe even a good transition because she is wanting to nurse less (and the "problem" we have is that she will only fall asleep while nursing) and someone else can put her to sleep.

The other day I tried to be forceful and sat with her on the bed as she threw her tantrum. She got very upset, I managed to stay neutral. Then it started to bother me. What bothered me was seeing Anise angry with me, but then looking to me for comfort. I felt bad. I felt that if I continued to force the bond of trust would be destroyed, so it was time to stop.

Yesterday she only had one nap. I tried not to take it too seriously thinking she would go to bed early. That didn't happen. Not only did that not happen, but she didn't want to go to sleep with us (which is the usual end result of a late night). She crawled off the bed. What do other co-sleepers do? Where have I gone wrong? Why doesn't she like to sleep? She has a gusto for life that is amazing to see, and she loves to play, I guess that trumps sleep.

Part of me thinks this is not a problem, I trust this will sort itself out. We are in transition and I should go with the flow. But another part of me thinks that if things aren't fixed now they will get worse, plus she needs to sleep, and I need her to sleep!

People give me good advice, but it the same as my advice, it is nothing knew, and I have tried it many times and it does not work. Should I stop fighting? I know the more stressed I get the less she sill sleep, but that just makes me stressed about being stressed!

Something in me has to change. I trust that. But what, and how? What I don't trust is myself. How do I get Anise to sleep?

Stroller naps and stuff

I feel like I am a one-themed (maybe two) blogger. It is the sleep the sleep the sleep thing that I am becoming obsessed with. My husband asked me what I was planning to do today, and the answer is "getting Anise to nap". I do go places and do things with Anise, but really my main goal every day is to get Anise to nap, but I am thinking of giving that up. I think I will have a new strategy: I will plan to do something, and she will just nap! Today she threw a tantrum when I tried to nurse her to sleep. That is a good thing! It means we are in transition. It looks like we are going to start a new routine of stroller naps.

2 stroller naps in one day!! That means I haven't changed her diaper in ? hours...

I hate my house. I have no reason to hate it, I just don't like it at the moment. I am in it a lot, and I have time to look around and criticize it. It is dark this time of year. It is disorganized, and messy, and cluttered. I want to renovate, or move, or clean. I need the change.

I have a passion for moving furniture around. It makes me feel like I have a new house. I also love to daydream about renovating and shifting walls and adding on. I often feel if my house were in order my life would be easier. Is that true? I love reading through Martha Stewart magazine and seeing very sparse, empty and clean closets. Do people really live like that? If I want to, then why can't I? I am too attached to my things. My things are memories and I love thinking about them. But memories are in my head and they aren't going anywhere, I could if I choose to just remember the things!

How do I get rid of stuff? By buying new furniture!!