No Naps (Again)

I know, I know I have written extensively on the sleep problems we have been having. I stopped writing about that for a while, partially because things got better, and partially because it is really boring to read! But while nights are good (knock wood) and I am extremely grateful, naps are not going so well. We had reverted back to stroller naps, because I was desperate for Anise to get enough sleep. But I don't find that to be a good solution, partially because with the winter we are having it is just too difficult, I need the break in the day to get stuff done, and I think it is time for Anise to have positive sleep associations with her own bed. I was given advice from someone I trust, who helped me get to the point of no more nonsense, Anise must now nap in her bed. Her technique was a "cry-it-out" but going in every 20 minutes. She promised 3 days. But since I had already been having unsuccessful cry-it-out sessions with Anise, going in every 20 minutes really didn't work. My limit for letting her cry for a nap is 1 hour and a half, and maybe that is my problem. She doesn't end up falling asleep by the end of that! She can just keep going. The more she cries in her crib, the more she will hate going in there. After the first couple of days we had made tins of progress, Anise went down for a nap with no tears, although she only stayed asleep for 40 min (which for a 16  month old who woke up at 5am, is not enough). I figured eventually length would come. I was wrong. The past couple of days there was a lot of crying and no sleeping. At this point I am totally freaking out, because she is not getting enough sleep, and I am worried that will impede her cognitive development. But now every time I out her in her stroller, I am reinforcing  the problem. She would take 2 naps and one would be almost 2 hours if I kept rolling, compared with one 40 minute nap at home...I am really stressing out and honestly do not know what to do. I have literally tried everything.

Mother-in-laws

My mother-in-law was just in town, and she decided to tell me that we pick Anise up too much, respond too quickly to her "caprices", and she did not fail to tell me that she is extremely worried about the fact that Anise doesn't have "independence" because she doesn't sleep in her own bed.

We all have a disapproving mother-in-law, or mother, or sister or aunt. But the worst mother-in-law is the disapproving mother-in-law within ourselves. I was thinking about how those comments upset me, or rather why it upsets me. I am confident (most of the time), I never doubt my decision to hold my baby when she cries. I don't share many philosophies or values with my mother-in-law, so why do I give credence to her judgment of me? Does she prey on my drop of doubt? The problem is not her comments, but within me. I guess if I were 100% confident I wouldn't care.

I just came back from a wonderful afternoon with my playgroup. Our playgroup is made up of intelligent, educated, interesting women, all with their first babies, all under one year. We have good conversation, and some wine. But there is also doubt, and insecurity. Some of us are worried our breastfed babies are too fat (advice given was to feed less), others too small (should not be exclusively breastfeeding), others are worried they hold their babies too much (should let her cry on her own) and others (like me!) should not be nursing baby to sleep every time.

Why is a group of five educated, capable, loving, nurturing women so insecure? Where have we (society) gone wrong? We are capable, mature women, who are financially stable, and in stable relationships. We are confident in our careers, our art, and in our minds, but we doubt our abilities as mothers. Maybe we were pushed too hard to excel, and motherhood is not something that can be measured. Maybe we are working too hard, striving for perfection. Maybe we need control, or an illusion of control. We should stop using phrases like "I hold her too much" and start saying things like "she wants to be held". Instead of saying "I nurse Anise to sleep " I should say " Anise likes to fall asleep while being nursed". And because I listen to my daughter, and because I have made the decision to devote myself to her fully, and because of where she is in her development, I have decided I am going to give her what she needs so that she can fall asleep, and be happy and secure. I feel like somewhere our role as nurturers was not nurtured. We were not taught how to believe in our abilities. Perhaps we read too much, learn too much, and listen to much. Instead of reading, learning and listening to both our babies and our inner wisdom. Ultimately we know deep in our hearts we are doing things right, yet we can't seem to quell our dependence on hearing it come from somewhere else.