Close Call

I was getting ready to strike a plan. A networking plan. I would send demo, try to re-audition, go to Toronto for the day to show my face and schmooze...and then my very best friend pointed out that I don't want to travel for work. Oh yeah, I forgot. I got so caught up striving for something I don't want. Why? to prove that I could get it? The competitive-ego-driven-sore-loser in me forgot. I forgot to stop. I have what I want. I freak out at the thought of one local concert, go nuts thinking I have to leave Anise one whole day for rehearsal, I want more kids, and I was going to try to get jobs in Toronto?! Am I nuts? How easily I can lose sight of reality, waste my energy by putting it in the wrong place at the wrong time. Thank goodness for my friend...

Maybe we only get exactly what we want. Nothing more nothing less.

Letting Go

Ok, the jealousy has passed, it has gone. Pushed aside, probably buried where it will no doubt resurface easily. What I have, no one else does. I have my daughter, my husband, my life. I have a daughter who is home with a babysitter, asleep in her crib. A milestone and accomplishment that happened on its own, and has made me both happy and proud. Forget fame, forget fortune, a sleeping baby is worth a million bucks.

I quit my job. My one regular job. I was being pushed out, but I quit before I had to be told to leave. A decision I have been thinking about for years, but haven't had the guts to make. Then the decision was made for me, and now I am free.

I feel like I am floating on ups and downs, things happening without my control, the way it should be. Can I let life take me, can I trust that it will take me where I want to go? I have no choice. But I have the tools now to put things in perspective. One job, one gig, one concert, good or bad. One experience that is not mine, so I can't want it.

So I plod along. No, the world wouldn't miss me, but Anise would, and Husband would, and that is enough.

I have learned when I hit the wall to turn the other way. One thing that distinguishes baroque flute (and other baroque instruments) from modern ones, is that the more you push the less sound you make. Ever notice when you bang on a piano it gets louder? Try banging on a historical piano or a harpsichord, it loses its sound. I have often wondered what that meant for people at the time. Is that a reflection of the way the dealt with life? My teacher used to say in a gentle voice, with a Flemish accent: "don't push".

When I feel I have no options left, instead of pushing I should let go. When my sounds isn't working I put the flute down. I think we are taught to push, to strive, to achieve, to "be strong", and accomplish. And who is happy? That is all that matters. Be gentle. Not fierce. Calm, not wild. Confident, not despondent. I will have to tell myself that a million times, I will have to pick myself up when I fall, because no one else will. But I could imitate. Copy those who have figured it out, be inspired by the people who have it together. Learn from the masters. And I in turn will get to share it one day.

Jealousy

I hate jealousy. It is not me, I don't believe in it. I used to say I wasn't a jealous person, I think I was wrong, I was always jealous I just denied it. The first time I experienced obvious jealousy was during my infertility days. What was different about that jealousy was that I was jealous of people I loved, and for whom I was also happy. I hated myself for feeling that way, it was so hard.

Then there is the professional jealousy. In s competitive a field where there isn't enough work to go around everyone feels it; jealous when other people get work. It is so bad that it sometimes becomes irrational. I am jealous of people who get work that I wouldn't even want, just because it is work.

When I moved back to Montreal from France there weren't very many flute players here. I wasn't that threatened, but it was much harder than I thought to find work. People were "loyal" to their old pals even if they were lousy flute players. Still, I thought, if they want their buddies more than a good player then it is their problem. My teacher said to me "play well and you will find work". So I thought I would create my own work, and show people that I play well. It still wasn't enough work, but became enough once Anise was born.

Last year a new (good) flute player came to town. She is getting all the work I never got. I can try to come up with reasons why. Maybe she was at the right place at the right time. Maybe people like her better. Maybe maybe maybe, it doesn't matter why. And the jealousy hurts. It is so strong it is physical. Last night I went to a concert. On the drive there I was so happy, everything at home is falling into place. Anise slept through the night, I put her to bed myself , she was happy with the babysitter, and she napped on her own. I couldn't have felt better, I have been struggling with these things for so long. It felt good to get out, I would be seeing my friends.

And there she was, the new flute player, a nice girl. I even really like her and I enjoy playing with her. I was already a bit jealous, but I could still handle it. But then I found out more. More jobs she has gotten that means I will never get. And it hit me: I want to quit. Quit playing, quit this profession, I want to find something else to do. Something that will make me happy. I want to take pride in something without the jealousy. I am tired of always feeling left out, I was left out in school all my life. Now I feel left out of this music community too. I wonder how much I exaggerate and how much is real. I wonder if I should keep plodding along in the hopes that I will find my place. How long can I wait? When do I give up? How do I do it, how do I make this career happen? I can't now. Especially not if I want more children. What decisions do I have to make right now? I have to decide if I should plan another season of concerts. The pros: I get to play. The cons: I have to produce, apply for grants, come up with ideas, hire people, pay for it, advertise myself, print the programmes, make the brochures etc. I used to love that part. Now I find the pressure too much to bear, and it is ruining the pleasure.

I don't want this jealousy. If I can't handle it then I have to get out. But how? I feel weighed down and burdened but this talent which keeps holding on to me. I would not be happy without my flute. But I just don't know how to make it happen. I knew how to when I was a student. I got to the top. I went all the way to Belgium to get there, and then once there I made it happen, I learned how to play. I got high marks, which meant I was good by my teachers' standards, and that was no easy feat. And here I am miserable. And I should be happy. I have my baby and all is well.

What a mistake it was to go to that concert. I should have stayed home and watched tv. People should not be out when it is colder than -20 degrees Celsius anyway...

Brain Dead

Grants are due soon. I thought this time I would start early. I always say that, and I always leave it to the last minute. Now that I am forced to be more structured with my work (since I have the babysitter only 3 mornings per week) I thought it would be easier to focus. People ask me how I find balancing a career and baby, and the funny thing is I feel like I don't balance anything. I feel like I am not fully here and not fully there. I feel like I am just scraping by. I basically don't work much, and then when I have to, I wing it. It is as if my creative juices have run dry. I am missing time to think. This is the first time in my life that I am busy. I used to have too much time, which is not a good thing either, not being busy can suck out energy too.

So here I am, busy, trying to come up with interesting programs for next year, instead all I come up with is that the world doesn't need another concert. Sometime I wish that all I had to worry about was Anise and domestic issues. Wishing for something that I know I could have, I have the fortune of not depending financially on my work, yet knowing that would leave me unsatisfied. If not now, then later.

I also find myself dreaming up other career possibilities. Maybe starting a new business, doing crafts, finding that perfect job...What is my perfect job? I have no idea. I think my perfect job would be getting hired as a flute player, but hired with the best groups, some touring (not too much), and artistic control! Sounds a bit like what I do, except that I don't get funding so I waste my time on grant applications, sometimes I don't get a big enough audience, and I feel generally like I am not getting the validation I would like. So in other words, I am dissatisfied with the way my career is going. Could it change? Maybe. Could I make it change? I am not sure if it will just have to go on its own, whether one day I will be at the right place at the right time. When pushing too hard has the opposite effect, it is best to just stop. If the energy we put out is desperate energy people feel it, and generally nothing good comes of it. Which is why things have to happen on their own, in their own time. Sometimes it can be long. Right now it feels long. But I have other worries, like naps! And babysitters! All which seem much much more important.

No Nap Part III

I am in trouble. After what feels like a long time, but is really about 1 week, we have not gotten very far. Last night we did a real "cry-it-out" session with Anise in the middle of the night. She cried hard for 30 min, and 5 min later another round of almost 30 min. The rest of the night was ok. This morning I left Anise with babysitter, and after one and a half hours of constant crying I got called back. This afternoon I let her cry without going in her room (this was a first) for her nap (for which she was desperate because there was no morning nap), she cried for 35 min and then fell asleep, only to eake up 20 minutes later. So the "crying-it-out" philosophy isn't working, and the poor girl has been crying it out for most of the week.

All I could think of in the middle of the night was that this goes against everything that I believe. then I think of the plastic piano and I remember that I don't have to have beliefs about child raising, because all of my beliefs came from a time when I didn't have children, and didn't know.

My friend suggested that had I let her continue crying after she woke up from her nap (I did for 15 min) then she would have eventually fallen back asleep. Not true. I know my daughter. I took her for a walk right after that, hoping she would at least catch up on some sleep, but she never slept. if she could keep herself up on a walk, she could sure as hell keep herself up in her crib. Plus how long can a baby stay in her crib? At this point, we are both losing out on life. this nap saga has taken over, and it is time to get back to seeing the world.

The problem is, every time we try to change a habit, we lose the old way of getting her to sleep without gaining a new one.

I don't know what the hell to do.

New Nap Part II

I am not going to go into the mundane details of the naps. Even though that is what has been consuming me this past week. Did she nap, where, when, and for how long. A whole life can be focused around naps. Since the first day (Tuesday) when she cried for 45 min and then fell asleep, she hadn't fallen asleep again in her crib until today. Both times were after parties and she was exhausted. The problem is that Anise doesn't know how to just fall asleep. Some other times she cried and eventually stopped, but decided to play instead - which is fine - except that she needs to sleep. She has been really pale, and beyond exhausted, but her stubbornness seems to be taking precedence over sleepiness. Her spirits have been good though! And she has been entertaining us the past few days.

Which brings me to this: principles.

I thought I had them. I have learned to let go of them. With principles comes judgment, and prejudice.

For example, before having a child of my own I had decided that we would not own any plastic toys. All of Anise's favourite toys are plastic. And they make a lot of noise. And they play dumb music. But she LOVES the things, and when I say love, I mean can play by herself at a plastic, garish, obnoxious table that sort of looks like a cartoon of a piano, which is over-stimulating, has blaring lights, and a smiley sun that makes you want to vomit, for HOURS. So it is now embraced into my household, and is officially on my list of things I am glad we bought.

Look What I Got

Thanks Jena!

The New Nap

We don't think when we have a baby that it is possible for a baby to take care of us. After Anise was born, my body was literally coming apart at the seams. A week after my bigger than average cesearian, I discovered I had a broken rib. The medication they gave me for the rib gave me an allergic reaction, I was seriously sick to my stomach, and the next day I broke out in hives. The day after that my incision began to reopen. I could barely walk, I was having drenching night sweats, and I was in unbearable pain breastfeeding. I have never been sick before, and was never expecting to be like this after giving birth. I was so frustrated, angry, and disappointed. And Anise took care of me. She was calm, gentle, and she slept. She communicated as she looked at me with wise eyes. She smiled. She played by herself. She was content for hours on her little chair while we had nice calm dinners. She had a four hour stretch of sleep every night when we needed it most. She waited until I was back on my feet to challenge me, and then did it gradually!

Today Anise took care of me. Just when we were at our lowest: Husband was sick all weekend with excruciating pain, (after 2 months of non-stop work, one and a half weeks of vacation spent in bed sick, 2 months of little sleep) he could no longer function, and I (as was obvious from my latest posts) was fraught with anxiety about everything possible, plus we had to do the dreaded "sleep training".

Our babysitter canceled today (I have to admit I was relieved), so I decided to tackle the naps. No more excuses. She cried VERY hard for 40 minutes. I stayed with her, tried to lie her down when she stood up. She didn't seem tired enough, and she was MAD, I was sure this would never work. Then something extraordinary happened. I cried. As soon as Anise saw me cry she stopped crying. She looked at me, her eyes wide with amazement. She stared at me, and then she listened. I told her she had to go to sleep, by herself, in her crib. I told her I understood that this was difficult for her, that it was new and different, but that it would be good for her. She watched me cry, and then she fell asleep. She slept for an hour. Her reaction to my crying was really amazing, I never would have expected it. I am sure she is an angel, sent from somewhere...

Thank you again, cyber friends, for your encouragement and support.

Soft

Anise is cranky, I'm cranky. I feel lousy, she feels lousy. Is it her teeth? Or the separation, or my own anxiety and insecurities that I have passed on? I was nervous for her two days ago when Lenda came. I was putting on a fake happy face, trying to convince her that everything was ok, she didn't fall for it. I know I should stay neutral, and I am trying to control my emotions, but I can't. Monday I will just leave. Everybody is telling me that the babysitter thing is a good thing, that it is good for her, good for me, that being happy and relaxed, and focusing on other things will make me a better mother. Is that really true? Or does that just make us all feel better, because really we know the best thing for a baby is to be with its mother. She isn't four, or three, or even two, and ready for any independence. She isn't even walking. I can try to convince myself that doing something for me is indirectly doing something good for her, but that is just bullshit. I haven't lost it, I don't resent her, I am not going crazy. The only thing suffering is the house, dinner, and my so-called career. I know people do it all the time, I know other people go to work full time, but that doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't make Anise feel better.

Maybe I am inventing this whole scenario, and really it is her teeth bothering her, and she will be just fine with Lenda once her teeth come in (she is getting new top teeth). I am just so afraid that I am changing her from a happy relaxed child to an anxious, needy child.

I am feeling weepy. Stressed out, lost, and tearful. Too many changes I am not ready for them, and I can't make them happen. Sleep has been a disaster the past three days. Anise slept through the night three days ago and we were hopeful and optimistic; everyone and everything is on the mend. Not so. Now we have to take drastic measures because this lack of sleep is affecting all of our lives. No more excuses (teething, illness, stress, separation). But I am weak, and I am soft. I am what some might call "over sensitive", is that a bad thing? I am not comfortable with Anise's crying, I need to help her and listen to her when she cries. I need to be there and comfort her, because it comforts me.

When Anise was born she never cried. In her first three months of life I can count how many times she cried for longer than 30 seconds (about 4 times). I didn't stifle her, she was very relaxed, happy and expressive. She also slept really well. I never had the chance to get desensitized to the sound of her cry, but maybe one never does. That is why now when she cries I feel somehow that it is my fault. I feel this is all my fault, her attachment, her sleep problems. I know there are bigger problems out there in the world. I know we are lucky, Anise is lucky, and all is good. I feel stupid for feeling this way, for creating problems when there are none. I am making a big deal out of nothing. But it all feels like shit, and nobody is getting any sleep.

Babysitter part II

Well, today did not go that well. I left Anise with Babysitter while Husband was in bed resting. My plan was to go for on hour. I didn't leave my phone number, or worry too much because Husband was home. Little did I know he was so sick he was practically hallucinating, and so he didn't realize that I wasn't there while Anise cried hard the whole time I was gone. I took my time and was more like and hour and twenty minutes. Bad plan. Anise was mad and wouldn't let go of me the whole rest of the day. What if she never gets used to this?

I was really mad at myself. I have never been as angry at myself as I have been this year. It is a strange emotion, almost stronger than regret. It is this feeling that I have been put in a double bind, I am forced to make a decision and I have nothing to go on. I can't do research, I can't consult experts, and I can barely follow my instinct. So when I feel that I made the "wrong" decision, I get really mad. Such a useless emotion and reaction. I couldn't have known, and I had to take a chance.

After the anger subsided I read the comments that were posted from yesterday's post, and that uplifted me. Without the support of my cyber friends I could never do this. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I trust you, and I know you are right.

I was looking forward to the babysitter starting, and I just wish I didn't have to feel so lousy, and that it wasn't so hard...

Babysitter

So the new babysitter starts officially tomorrow. I have hired her three half days a week, Monday form 1 - 6, Tuesday 9 - 12, and Wednesday from 1 - 6. I am nervous about her starting. She has come twice with me home, and I don't know if, or for how long, I should leave her alone. Anise seems to like her, she is very gentle and has a way with kids. But I know Anise knows that she is a babysitter, and I can't help but feel I am betraying her a little bit.

In Canada women get one year maternity leave. It is terrific, and after one year I feel ready to slowly start piecing together my career. But Anise is at an age where even though I have hardly left her, and when I do I leave her with my mom, she is afraid I am going to leave. Prime age for separation anxiety, and I will be reinforcing it by leaving.

My goal with the babysitter is to get stuff done in the house, food shop, cook, have some time to myself, and work. Yes, all reasonable things to want, but I am nervous, and I cannot envision this working. It is probably better if I just get out of the house and let the babysitter do her job. When I am around Anise gets clingy. I think the idea that I might leave is worse for her than if I actually leave. But it just feels wrong.

I feel I should follow my instinct, but I don't know what that is anymore. I guess my instinct got me to hire a babysitter in the first place, but now my instinct is telling me that I will be putting Anise through unnecessary stress. Maybe 3 days was too much?

It just feels like everything is too stressful. Husband finally has time off but he is sick and getting sicker. It feels like there is no respite. No stopping. No place to breathe. No coincidence that I have been having bad asthma.

At least my teeth are clean.

Teeth

It has been four days now and I have flossed my teeth every night...

What a concept, commit to simple achievable things, and do it! How great one feels (because it is all about virtue and accomplishment, and of course self-righteousness)!!

Remember

I received my second copy of Momma Zen. I read my first copy a couple of months ago, 7 months to be exact, and I read it so quickly that I forgot most of the details. So I am rereading it. I will write about it as I read it so that it sticks better in my mind. Because Momma Zen speaks my mind. It is the truth, it is wisdom, it is my belief system- it is everyone's. Yet I forget. Over and over again, I forget what this book is trying to teach me.

I am a baroque flute player. A professional musician. I studied with the best baroque flutist in the world, the man who was responsible for the revival of this old instrument that was played from about 1700 until about 1900, but varied greatly in between. He is almost unsurpassed in his abilities, which is rare, usually each generation gets better than the next. But not him; he gets better and better himself. Because he is humble, and he learns from everything and everyone, including his students. I studied with him in Brussels for four years, which is considered a long time. I noticed something after two years of taking lessons at least once a week, and listening in on many more: there were only about three different lessons. The rest were repeats. He said the same thing over and over and over again. But it took me three years to get it, and then one year to perfect it, and then he let me go. From there I flew.

I take the same lessons from Momma Zen, and from Cheerio Road almost every day. It is the same thing over and over. I know it, but I don't do it. With my flute practice it was physical. It was about breathing. It was about letting go. And it was about listening and loving every single note I produced. First, I prepare my breath, drop the bottom of my diaphragm. Then I breathe in the first note. As I play I must relax my fingers and my body, and then I must prepare every note before it comes out, and find the center, the resonance of each note that I play. Because every note has its core, even in a fast passage, I must find it. All this is technical, it doesn't require talent, or interpretation, or "understanding" the music. It is not about having something to say. It is about giving the music its life.

Parenting, and living, is the same. I must remember to breathe, I must relax my body, and I must love life, this life, my life, and cherish each second. This doesn't impede on any artistic interpretation. Nor does it mute our own personality. It doesn't even always work, because sometimes we forget. But that is ok. We all have bad concert days, we are human.

But the key is remembering.

This is my New Year's resolution.

Sick

Husband is sick. Baby is sick. I am getting sick, and have now been going on 5 days of no sleep. Why is life so predictable? Just as baby starts to sleep through the night and go to sleep early, just as we got our evenings back, Husband has to work late. Just as we get a break we all get sick. Now we are back to square one.

Oh well, there is something nice about being cliché.

It doesn't feel like a new year today. It will next week.