Letting Go

Ok, the jealousy has passed, it has gone. Pushed aside, probably buried where it will no doubt resurface easily. What I have, no one else does. I have my daughter, my husband, my life. I have a daughter who is home with a babysitter, asleep in her crib. A milestone and accomplishment that happened on its own, and has made me both happy and proud. Forget fame, forget fortune, a sleeping baby is worth a million bucks.

I quit my job. My one regular job. I was being pushed out, but I quit before I had to be told to leave. A decision I have been thinking about for years, but haven't had the guts to make. Then the decision was made for me, and now I am free.

I feel like I am floating on ups and downs, things happening without my control, the way it should be. Can I let life take me, can I trust that it will take me where I want to go? I have no choice. But I have the tools now to put things in perspective. One job, one gig, one concert, good or bad. One experience that is not mine, so I can't want it.

So I plod along. No, the world wouldn't miss me, but Anise would, and Husband would, and that is enough.

I have learned when I hit the wall to turn the other way. One thing that distinguishes baroque flute (and other baroque instruments) from modern ones, is that the more you push the less sound you make. Ever notice when you bang on a piano it gets louder? Try banging on a historical piano or a harpsichord, it loses its sound. I have often wondered what that meant for people at the time. Is that a reflection of the way the dealt with life? My teacher used to say in a gentle voice, with a Flemish accent: "don't push".

When I feel I have no options left, instead of pushing I should let go. When my sounds isn't working I put the flute down. I think we are taught to push, to strive, to achieve, to "be strong", and accomplish. And who is happy? That is all that matters. Be gentle. Not fierce. Calm, not wild. Confident, not despondent. I will have to tell myself that a million times, I will have to pick myself up when I fall, because no one else will. But I could imitate. Copy those who have figured it out, be inspired by the people who have it together. Learn from the masters. And I in turn will get to share it one day.