One year ago

Anise is one today. Wow, one year. I don't think I can conceptualize what one year feels like. It is four seasons, one summer, one Christmas, many concerts ago.

My labour started on a Monday night, at 11pm. I slept until 1am. Then I woke up husband.

"I think this is it. I think but I don't know for sure".

He got up, had to get some work finished. I took a shower (one of the smartest things I have ever done btw...) then tried to sleep. Listened to Vivaldi's Dixi Dominus, I was relaxed. Then I listened to my hypnobirth tape

"This is it".

I felt no different after the tape. It was the same tape I had been listening to every day for a couple of months. Then I took a bath. The next thing I remember it was 6 am, time to call the midwife, getting too painful. Called my sister to let her know. Then it was 8 am and no one showed up at home. "Call again, and call hypnotherapist, because the tape hasn't worked". Three and 1/2 hours of labour and I was ready to push. Creepy hypno guy came and didn't help the pain but I liked his touch (I couldn't bear my husband's touch - poor thing - but remember, I had been conditioned to the hypno guy's voice for months). At 11:30 my membranes were ruptured, and I started pushing. No break between contractions, a lot of pain. Pushing was good, at least there was something to do. Baby was coming, they could see her, I could feel her head.

"That does not feel like a head" I said.

They told me that sometimes babies' heads get squished and they could be wrinkled. Kept pushing. They feel around the baby's head, something isn't right. Their faces fell.

"This baby cannot be born here, we have to call an ambulance."

"This is a nightmare" I said. "Yes, it is a nightmare." midwife answered.

"Now you will feel a contraction, but you will not push"

"Ok" I said, innocently.

Then the contraction, "holy &%?*....." But I had to push, I had no choice.

Suddenly I could do it - the breathing they had been talking about my whole labour. I had to. I breathed, I had no choice. I thought the pain was unbearable before, it wasn't, this was.

It took 20 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. They came and they fought with the midwives, my husband the hero made them stop.

"Do not have this baby in this ambulance" midwife said.

I was taken to hospital.

"Face presentation" they said. Automatic C-section. Apparently it is one in thousands. It is extremely rare. She was coming out lips first. I was right - that wasn't her head we were feeling, it was her lips.

I was in the operating room, shaking from the drugs. It felt like a long time that I was alone, my husband was not allowed in. Doctors were busy, I was not allowed to ask questions. I would find out later that they had to push the baby back in, she was almost out. Finally husband was there "it's a girl" they said. That was the happiest moment, I cried.

"She's flat" they said as the baby was passed along. I kept asking if she was okay, no one answered me. I asked if she was alive, still no answer.

I thought she had died. In 3 seconds many thoughts came into my mind. It was my fault for choosing to give birth at home. It was too good to be true, I will never get my baby. Then I heard it, doctors laughing and discussing dinner - so she must be alive!

Then they showed us our baby, and we kissed her. Her lips were swollen and her face was blue- bruised and blistered, she looked so damaged. Then they went away, husband and baby, and I was alone. I was being put back together again, and it was painful, and long, and other doctors were called in, and I was told to be quiet, my shouts of pain were not letting the doctor do her job. Something was wrong but I was not told what.

Then it was over, and I was alone in recovery. I asked to see my baby, but the rule was not until I could move my toes. I begged to see my baby. I cried. One hour later I was taken up to see her, my mother was there. I held her skin ro skin and we bonded immediately.

The rest is usual baby hospital stuff. I didn't walk for a couple of days, they released me after 5. Being home was bliss, and my baby was an angel. She had the wisest eyes. She looked old and mature, and she never cried. She communicated through her eyes, and she had a full head of soft silky hair. She took care of me.

One week later I had horrible pain, I couldn't stand up, it turns out I had broken a rib, we don't know how it broke. Either from the labour, or the C-section. A couple of days later my incision reopened. My breasts were killing, my body was falling apart.

For a long time when I would think back to the birth it felt to me as if someone had died. I could rationalize my feelings, but it was beyond what I could explain. Yes, I was disappointed, it was not what I had planned etc. But it wasn't that. I got over that, my baby was alive and so was I, that is all that really mattered. I got over the loss of control, the ton of medication I had to take, and loss of the sanctity of birth. I got passed the harsh lighting, and the separation. Something was gripping me, and it took me a long time to define it. It was terror.

Either because I was in an altered (hypnotized) state, or just whatever state a labouring woman is in, I felt no fear. I didn't feel the fear. But it had been there. It was so deep and so great that it did not come out for a while. My husband felt it, and then when Anise was out and healthy he was relieved. I never felt the sigh of relief because I felt the fear too late.

Now one year later I feel better. I have finally found my energy again, and have finally lost most of the weight. It took me a long time to regain my strength, my body took a beating, and took it hard. I was surprised, I am in fairly good shape, and I usually heal fast.

And little Anise is changing faster than I can notice. There is so much significance in turning one, I never knew that.

This has been the best year of my life.

Thank you Anise for choosing us.