So the new babysitter starts officially tomorrow. I have hired her three half days a week, Monday form 1 - 6, Tuesday 9 - 12, and Wednesday from 1 - 6. I am nervous about her starting. She has come twice with me home, and I don't know if, or for how long, I should leave her alone. Anise seems to like her, she is very gentle and has a way with kids. But I know Anise knows that she is a babysitter, and I can't help but feel I am betraying her a little bit.
In Canada women get one year maternity leave. It is terrific, and after one year I feel ready to slowly start piecing together my career. But Anise is at an age where even though I have hardly left her, and when I do I leave her with my mom, she is afraid I am going to leave. Prime age for separation anxiety, and I will be reinforcing it by leaving.
My goal with the babysitter is to get stuff done in the house, food shop, cook, have some time to myself, and work. Yes, all reasonable things to want, but I am nervous, and I cannot envision this working. It is probably better if I just get out of the house and let the babysitter do her job. When I am around Anise gets clingy. I think the idea that I might leave is worse for her than if I actually leave. But it just feels wrong.
I feel I should follow my instinct, but I don't know what that is anymore. I guess my instinct got me to hire a babysitter in the first place, but now my instinct is telling me that I will be putting Anise through unnecessary stress. Maybe 3 days was too much?
It just feels like everything is too stressful. Husband finally has time off but he is sick and getting sicker. It feels like there is no respite. No stopping. No place to breathe. No coincidence that I have been having bad asthma.
At least my teeth are clean.
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Disclaimer: I'm no expert, being a new mother.
ReplyDeleteRegarding separation and stress, some thoughts:
In order for Anise to trust life, it is important for her to see that departure is followed by reunion. She needs to learn that she can survive separation by experiencing it, and the attendant feelings, and experiencing your return -- repeatedly. The stress will dissipate over time.
You are not leaving her for very long. You will not damage her attachment to you. It's not as though you are sending her off to a day care center 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. What you are doing is a transition, and it creates stress, but you've made the decision thoughtfully and thus it doesn't seem as though you have created unnecessary stress.
She needs a healthy mother; you need the time and space to take care of yourself and other life tasks. You and she can have the stress of separation and reunion, or the stress of you being at the end of your wits. One seems healthier to me than the other.
Maybe you can create a little "see you later" ritual for when you leave, and a "hello again" one for when you return. There's a lovely book about this called I Love You Rituals by Becky Bailey.
Bravo for your gums! Onto the next little bit of self-discipline. Of course I agree with Kathryn. "Knowing" it is right doesn't make the doing easier, as I've written about. All of life is this anxiety. That being said, here are the positives:
ReplyDelete1. You will be giving Anise someone more to love, and someone who will love her. Thus, her world becomes more loving.
2. Your sitter is your employee, yes, but she also becomes your partner. You will learn from her. And you will also learn by the experience itself; that is, by seeing what doesn't work, and by being able to try new things.
3. The voice of fear is just that, fear. Boo fear!
4. The voice of doubt is truth. Without doubt, there is never great truth.
5. The voice of guilt is poison. Bah poison.
For myself when GG was one, I did the same thing and I was hard to "envision" it working. But work, it did. Most of the work I needed to do was in the house, but if we were all 3 in the house my poor sitter could barely keep us apart. So they had to leave or I had to leave, and either way we all got out and discovered that there was no shortage of air.
You are learning to walk again, my sweet. You'll toddle, then fall, then get up, but keep going!
This is a big step. As such it is exciting and scary all at once and the two things feel an awful lot alike in our bodies.
ReplyDeleteI'm with KArhtryn. Trust is trusting that separation does occur and it is followed by return and connection. This build and creates trust, even if it feel stressful.
She may cry and be unhappy. And this is ok. It does not mean you are wrong or bad. It does not mean she is wrong or bad. It is part of it often.
I'd trust your instinct that it may be helpful to be gone from the house. IT can be hard for them at such a young age to understand the here but not available concept.
Let us know how it goes.
Thinking of you and holding what a big step this is for the both of you.