Well, today did not go that well. I left Anise with Babysitter while Husband was in bed resting. My plan was to go for on hour. I didn't leave my phone number, or worry too much because Husband was home. Little did I know he was so sick he was practically hallucinating, and so he didn't realize that I wasn't there while Anise cried hard the whole time I was gone. I took my time and was more like and hour and twenty minutes. Bad plan. Anise was mad and wouldn't let go of me the whole rest of the day. What if she never gets used to this?
I was really mad at myself. I have never been as angry at myself as I have been this year. It is a strange emotion, almost stronger than regret. It is this feeling that I have been put in a double bind, I am forced to make a decision and I have nothing to go on. I can't do research, I can't consult experts, and I can barely follow my instinct. So when I feel that I made the "wrong" decision, I get really mad. Such a useless emotion and reaction. I couldn't have known, and I had to take a chance.
After the anger subsided I read the comments that were posted from yesterday's post, and that uplifted me. Without the support of my cyber friends I could never do this. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I trust you, and I know you are right.
I was looking forward to the babysitter starting, and I just wish I didn't have to feel so lousy, and that it wasn't so hard...
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Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteIt can be really hard at first.
Leo used to cry every time the sitter came. this lasted for a year at least, but slowly he cried less and recovered more quickly. Now he gets excited to see her.
I'm sorry you are in such a difficult space, where the anger comes so intensely and it is hard to hear yourself.
Be gentle with yourself.
Take care.
Maybe you feel angry because you won't let yourself cry. Just cry. Everybody cry.
ReplyDeleteAs an infant, Aviva REFUSED a bottle (so did Pearl after her). For a while, we tried to get her to take it from Greg, who resorted to holding her and reading The New Yorker wearing construction headphones while she screamed bloody murder. This is to say nothing of babysitters.
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say, there was angst (mine) There was anger (mine). There were tears (hers, mine).
Gam ze ya'avor: This too shall pass. Sometimes the mama needs a mama, too.
xo Jena
Bela - one YEAR???
ReplyDeleteKaren - thank you for the permission, I did cry today.
Jena - no bottle ever worked in this house either (and we really tried). Those tears really break my heart, I can't desensitize...
I second what Jena said. Anise will be okay, and so will you. The anger and heartbreak will pass. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself.
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