Jealousy

I hate jealousy. It is not me, I don't believe in it. I used to say I wasn't a jealous person, I think I was wrong, I was always jealous I just denied it. The first time I experienced obvious jealousy was during my infertility days. What was different about that jealousy was that I was jealous of people I loved, and for whom I was also happy. I hated myself for feeling that way, it was so hard.

Then there is the professional jealousy. In s competitive a field where there isn't enough work to go around everyone feels it; jealous when other people get work. It is so bad that it sometimes becomes irrational. I am jealous of people who get work that I wouldn't even want, just because it is work.

When I moved back to Montreal from France there weren't very many flute players here. I wasn't that threatened, but it was much harder than I thought to find work. People were "loyal" to their old pals even if they were lousy flute players. Still, I thought, if they want their buddies more than a good player then it is their problem. My teacher said to me "play well and you will find work". So I thought I would create my own work, and show people that I play well. It still wasn't enough work, but became enough once Anise was born.

Last year a new (good) flute player came to town. She is getting all the work I never got. I can try to come up with reasons why. Maybe she was at the right place at the right time. Maybe people like her better. Maybe maybe maybe, it doesn't matter why. And the jealousy hurts. It is so strong it is physical. Last night I went to a concert. On the drive there I was so happy, everything at home is falling into place. Anise slept through the night, I put her to bed myself , she was happy with the babysitter, and she napped on her own. I couldn't have felt better, I have been struggling with these things for so long. It felt good to get out, I would be seeing my friends.

And there she was, the new flute player, a nice girl. I even really like her and I enjoy playing with her. I was already a bit jealous, but I could still handle it. But then I found out more. More jobs she has gotten that means I will never get. And it hit me: I want to quit. Quit playing, quit this profession, I want to find something else to do. Something that will make me happy. I want to take pride in something without the jealousy. I am tired of always feeling left out, I was left out in school all my life. Now I feel left out of this music community too. I wonder how much I exaggerate and how much is real. I wonder if I should keep plodding along in the hopes that I will find my place. How long can I wait? When do I give up? How do I do it, how do I make this career happen? I can't now. Especially not if I want more children. What decisions do I have to make right now? I have to decide if I should plan another season of concerts. The pros: I get to play. The cons: I have to produce, apply for grants, come up with ideas, hire people, pay for it, advertise myself, print the programmes, make the brochures etc. I used to love that part. Now I find the pressure too much to bear, and it is ruining the pleasure.

I don't want this jealousy. If I can't handle it then I have to get out. But how? I feel weighed down and burdened but this talent which keeps holding on to me. I would not be happy without my flute. But I just don't know how to make it happen. I knew how to when I was a student. I got to the top. I went all the way to Belgium to get there, and then once there I made it happen, I learned how to play. I got high marks, which meant I was good by my teachers' standards, and that was no easy feat. And here I am miserable. And I should be happy. I have my baby and all is well.

What a mistake it was to go to that concert. I should have stayed home and watched tv. People should not be out when it is colder than -20 degrees Celsius anyway...