Anise is cranky, I'm cranky. I feel lousy, she feels lousy. Is it her teeth? Or the separation, or my own anxiety and insecurities that I have passed on? I was nervous for her two days ago when Lenda came. I was putting on a fake happy face, trying to convince her that everything was ok, she didn't fall for it. I know I should stay neutral, and I am trying to control my emotions, but I can't. Monday I will just leave. Everybody is telling me that the babysitter thing is a good thing, that it is good for her, good for me, that being happy and relaxed, and focusing on other things will make me a better mother. Is that really true? Or does that just make us all feel better, because really we know the best thing for a baby is to be with its mother. She isn't four, or three, or even two, and ready for any independence. She isn't even walking. I can try to convince myself that doing something for me is indirectly doing something good for her, but that is just bullshit. I haven't lost it, I don't resent her, I am not going crazy. The only thing suffering is the house, dinner, and my so-called career. I know people do it all the time, I know other people go to work full time, but that doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't make Anise feel better.
Maybe I am inventing this whole scenario, and really it is her teeth bothering her, and she will be just fine with Lenda once her teeth come in (she is getting new top teeth). I am just so afraid that I am changing her from a happy relaxed child to an anxious, needy child.
I am feeling weepy. Stressed out, lost, and tearful. Too many changes I am not ready for them, and I can't make them happen. Sleep has been a disaster the past three days. Anise slept through the night three days ago and we were hopeful and optimistic; everyone and everything is on the mend. Not so. Now we have to take drastic measures because this lack of sleep is affecting all of our lives. No more excuses (teething, illness, stress, separation). But I am weak, and I am soft. I am what some might call "over sensitive", is that a bad thing? I am not comfortable with Anise's crying, I need to help her and listen to her when she cries. I need to be there and comfort her, because it comforts me.
When Anise was born she never cried. In her first three months of life I can count how many times she cried for longer than 30 seconds (about 4 times). I didn't stifle her, she was very relaxed, happy and expressive. She also slept really well. I never had the chance to get desensitized to the sound of her cry, but maybe one never does. That is why now when she cries I feel somehow that it is my fault. I feel this is all my fault, her attachment, her sleep problems. I know there are bigger problems out there in the world. I know we are lucky, Anise is lucky, and all is good. I feel stupid for feeling this way, for creating problems when there are none. I am making a big deal out of nothing. But it all feels like shit, and nobody is getting any sleep.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I feel your softness and vulnerability, your stress and exhaustion. It's real. You don't need excuses or justification. It is real. Reading this puts me right back in it with Aviva. The first couple of years with her turned everything I knew or thought I knew on its head. Even writing that sounds incomplete at best and trite or patronizing at worst. What I want to say is this: It's real.
ReplyDeleteWhat is one thing you know you can do right now - for yourself, for Anise, for your situation? I'm serious. Write me back.
Jena
Jena - thanks. To be honest I don't know. That is what I am feeling right now - I have absolutely no idea what to do...
ReplyDeleteI see you.
ReplyDeleteJena
Jena - I was hoping you would know ! It sounded like there was an answer that you were trying to get me to see for myself, I thought you would then tell me :)
ReplyDeleteHow about this? There is no best thing. Everything as it is is always the best. Everyone is trying the best; everyone is doing the best. And at the moment, the best is shit. We are cranky and then we are not. We are sleep-deprived and then we get sleep. All things move like waves up and down. Nothing is fixed! There is no end! There is no outcome. Just when you think you have it figured out you don't, because there is no way or nothing to figure.
ReplyDeleteBut also realize that as human beings all of our behaviors are conditioned. That is, they are responses to conditions. They are learned and habituated according to circumstances. When conditions change, behaviors change. With routines, behaviors become habits. That is why we contrive a routine. Because habits are predictable, and they give us security. Within this secure range, we can function without losing our minds every other day.
At the same time, all feelings of security are fundamentally false, because things change all the time.
With time, your daughter must and will learn a wider range of security. She will learn to feel secure with and without you. In truth, this is not something that you have to "teach" in a high-minded way. But at the same time I have seen and known friends who talked themselves into a philosophy of attachment, rationalizing as "best" their own fears, and both mother and child became more insecure and imprisoned over time. When we rationalize our fears as best, that is what happens. Do not rationalize. Take one moment at a time. Take one day at a time. You can make it one minute. You can make it one more day.
I just want you to change the way you talk to yourself, so I have talked on so long to distract you!
Of course it pains you to hear your baby cry. But that is a mother's job. Not to keep our children tear-free, because life is full of pain. But to bear it! To bear it with them. To neither stifle nor ignore the sobs. But to cry with them: deep into the heart. Then you'll see for yourself that crying always stops eventually, without lasting blame, judgment or recrimination.
Necessity is what really helps in this circumstance. Absolute, unequivocal necessity. When you really need help and time and space and a moment to yourself,that is what a babysitter gives you. I just remember how trapped and hopeless you sounded a month or two ago, and ask that you give it a little longer to settle before you draw any conclusions. I'm just advocating for Mika here. Anise already has an advocate in you. She has the best advocate she could ever have. With love, K.
Karen has said what I came to me as I was reading our words, and she has said it so well. So I will not add more words here. Only that when we judge ourselves, which we will do, we can turn against ourselves or open to loving even the judge, who is seeking only to protect. Even when "failing" we are not failing. We are living. Love yourself, and you will show anise the way.
ReplyDeleteAnd know I am here too, with much love.
Thanks gals. And I know, and you are right, I just have to hear it a gazillion times...
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about this word "soft" and suddenly remember this post I wrote last fall called "soft heart."
ReplyDeletehttp://bullseyebaby.blogspot.com/2007/10/soft-heart.html
I offer it here with a soft heart as a blessing to you and your girl.
xo J