Remember

I received my second copy of Momma Zen. I read my first copy a couple of months ago, 7 months to be exact, and I read it so quickly that I forgot most of the details. So I am rereading it. I will write about it as I read it so that it sticks better in my mind. Because Momma Zen speaks my mind. It is the truth, it is wisdom, it is my belief system- it is everyone's. Yet I forget. Over and over again, I forget what this book is trying to teach me.

I am a baroque flute player. A professional musician. I studied with the best baroque flutist in the world, the man who was responsible for the revival of this old instrument that was played from about 1700 until about 1900, but varied greatly in between. He is almost unsurpassed in his abilities, which is rare, usually each generation gets better than the next. But not him; he gets better and better himself. Because he is humble, and he learns from everything and everyone, including his students. I studied with him in Brussels for four years, which is considered a long time. I noticed something after two years of taking lessons at least once a week, and listening in on many more: there were only about three different lessons. The rest were repeats. He said the same thing over and over and over again. But it took me three years to get it, and then one year to perfect it, and then he let me go. From there I flew.

I take the same lessons from Momma Zen, and from Cheerio Road almost every day. It is the same thing over and over. I know it, but I don't do it. With my flute practice it was physical. It was about breathing. It was about letting go. And it was about listening and loving every single note I produced. First, I prepare my breath, drop the bottom of my diaphragm. Then I breathe in the first note. As I play I must relax my fingers and my body, and then I must prepare every note before it comes out, and find the center, the resonance of each note that I play. Because every note has its core, even in a fast passage, I must find it. All this is technical, it doesn't require talent, or interpretation, or "understanding" the music. It is not about having something to say. It is about giving the music its life.

Parenting, and living, is the same. I must remember to breathe, I must relax my body, and I must love life, this life, my life, and cherish each second. This doesn't impede on any artistic interpretation. Nor does it mute our own personality. It doesn't even always work, because sometimes we forget. But that is ok. We all have bad concert days, we are human.

But the key is remembering.

This is my New Year's resolution.

Almost done

I haven't had a second to write. But I have been thinking up lots of posts!

I have been getting adequate sleep and thus have been more tired than usual, makes sense, eh?

I didn't realize how much the sleep issue was stressful for me, and now that things are much better I feel this huge relief. Naps are still extremely challenging, only husband can achieve success, so the weekend was peaceful with 2 naps happening each day. Yesterday and today there were only single half hour naps. Clearly, I am the problem. I am running out of ideas and getting tired out. But evenings and nighttime are bliss, and I feel like I can live again!

2 more days of rehearsal, 3 more concerts adn I am free for 6 weeks, yay!! Much needed time to just be with Anise and not have anything else floating in my head.

Hello

Ok, I am back...

Well, sort of. I should be sleeping right now, or resting, but I feel like writing instead.

Just to report, things are going pretty well here. Husband has completely taken over night shift. He gets Anise to sleep beautifully, and has been great at getting her back, using less and less intervention (was rocking, then petting, now talking her back to sleep). I had two nights in our bed (our old bed is back - up off the floor!!) all by myself, door closed! It felt like I was at a hotel. I slept wonderfully, and have been much more tired these couple of days! I lost the adrenaline that was keeping me going, my body had a taste of sleep and it wants more.

Naps are another issue all together. They were going well, Anise was falling asleep on me no nursing and hardly crying. Sunday she decided that she really should be putting up a fight, and she has been winning. My husband suggested I give up for this week, I had a concert yesterday afternoon, and I have a big concert on Sunday that I am organizing and playing in, and I am quite stressed out about that at the moment. This morning, however, I thought I would give it a try, and Anise cried hard for 25 minutes, I gave up and nursed her (which was the worst thing I could have done, it would have been better not to try, or not to have nursed, I essentially taught her that persistence will get her what she wants, which is not a bad lesson ordinarily) oh well, it is done. She is asleep now in her stroller, I couldn't handle that twice today.

But this has got me thinking about what I am teaching. Am I doing the right thing? Who knows, I am doing what I can, and trying new things. I watch her cry in my arms and I think "this isn't so bad, she has me holding her, she is just angry she is not getting what she wants, she has no feelings of being abandoned etc.". But then I think that the energy, spunk, persistence and stubbornness that Anise has are all good qualities. Not to mention the fact that she is confident and full of happiness, am I ruining that? But she does have to sleep, and she has to learn how. Unfortunately this is the only way I can teach her. It would be much better if someone else did it. She would be happier, and so would I.

I do feel very liberated. I realize I was carrying a lot of fear about what would happen in the future. As if there was this looming transition that had to happen, that would be painful. In the end these changes have not been that painful, and it has given me faith that things can change, I was really stuck. My husband thinks we could have tried earlier, maybe he is right, but maybe it has been working so well because the timing was just right.

Last night I had a dream I gave birth and it was painless. I have had these dreams before, and they are wonderful. They feel so real, it must be nice to give birth painlessly (I suppose it is possible nowadays!) I woke up hoping it was real. It was a little boy in my dream.

I feel like I am getting my period. It has been almost 2 years since I last had one! The feeling is bringing back memories. Memories of waiting, but hoping that it wouldn't come. Being hyper-aware of my body, every twitch, every change, every bit of bloatedness and nausea, hunger and cravings. My wanting to get pregnant was so ingrained that I still want it to happen, just so it can happen. We want more kids, and pretty soon, but not right now. Yet I can't stop this hope that I am...

I should be thinking about Sunday. But I can't. I have forgotten how. I have never done a concert with this little rehearsal, we only have 2 half days. There are only three pieces, but we will be a large group.

So, I probably won't have a chance to write until Monday, but you never know!