Practice

I have a concert tomorrow. But I don't care. I care that Anise woke up every hour last night from 9:30 to 7:30. I care that she might be uncomfortable from teething, and that her whole mouth probably hurts.

I have become a better player since Anise was born. I don't need to practice anymore. I was never a big practicer but now I don't have to feel guilty about that (yup that's me) because I have a legitimate excuse. "Practice" is a misleading word. "Doing" is a better one. Everything that we can do we can already do. It is just a question of doing it. No one can teach a child how to play a musical instrument, they just play it in front of you. You explain to them where to put their fingers, then they move their fingers the right way at the right time. We integrate and become faster at things, but they are things we can already do, it is the focus and confidence that changes.

I will never forget going for a lesson, after a bad week of practicing (which I always kept secret), and being told that I practice too much. That is when I realized that my well kept secret will remain as such. No one needed to know, and if my teacher didn't know, then it didn't matter.

Now I am free. I play. I enjoy the music because I am intensely focused. It is the only time now that I focus on something and let go of parenting. It is the only time the mother part of my brain shuts off, and it terrifies me. That is why I dread concerts, because it means I am letting go, when I don't feel ready to. It is getting slightly easier, but having to do that with a 3 month old went against my whole body and it shook me up. I wasn't ready physically or emotionally then.

After I gave birth I had difficulty "coming down". I was in a state of high performance 24 hours a day. It was partially hormonal, and partially recognizing what that state of pure focus feels like. Playing the flute now feels like a breeze.

I see what we are capable of, and my patience is worn thin. If I could do it, you could do it. It has become increasingly difficult for me to work with good musicians who are not confident, and end up wrecking their music by wanting to do it over and over again, instead of just listening and reacting. It is not their fault. They don't know they could let go, and they are dependent on the superstition of readiness. Some people think that they play better if they wear their lucky underwear. Thinking you will play it better just because you do it one more time is the same. When the music and the ensemble is ready it is time to let it go.

I have to have confidence in Anise. Her teeth hurt her, yet she is smiling. She will be able to handle whatever change may come. I can see it, Anise is smiling, I have to smile too.