Transfer

Today I had had it. I reached my limit. The day was screwed up, I was screwed up. Feeling guilty, angry, frustrated. I drove Husband absolutely crazy. I am trying to be strict with routine, but trying to include some activity. How do we have a routine when every day is different?

By this morning we had managed to totally screw up Anise's nap. She fell asleep in the car, (at the wrong time) and then we tried the good old fashioned transfer from car to crib. Nobody believes me when I say it doesn't work, so I thought why not try (again) so that I am not making false assumptions. Of course it didn't work, so we rushed her out in the stroller, but by then she was up and no sleep was coming. So we rushed home, her lunch was late, and I was pissed.

At that point I realized that I had no physical way of putting her to sleep for a nap anymore. Stroller was no longer working, rocking, nursing, car, singing, crib, cuddling, dancing, tv. Nothing.

So I lay down with Anise on my bed and I told her to go to sleep. And she did. She knows.

I am hoping this is a turning point.

And I can breathe a sigh of relief. I am mad at myself for all the emotional energy spent on this issue of sleep. But I can't get out of it. I don't know how.

Minimizing the Expectation Gap

The first time I threw a dart it was 15 years ago, at a dart board I had bought my husband (then boyfriend) for his birthday. It was a professional board made of bristles. We set up the board, measured the proper distance and I picked my dart. I threw it with a graceless movement of my arm, and the dart slowly wobbled on its way to the dart board in a straight line, not even elegant enough to make an arc. It landed right in the middle. Bull's-eye. The next fifteen thousand times I never even hit the board. Beginner's luck.

The other day we bought a potty. I had read somewhere that it is a good idea to leave a potty around to play with, so that the child becomes familiar with the object and will one day go in it. I am in no rush. Anise is 16 months old, and there is plenty of time to work on potty training, plus it would be easier in warmer weather. I showed Anise her new toy, she was very excited. I told if she wanted to, she could poo in the potty. She had also made a huge mess eating dinner, so I removed her clothes, and while I was at it removed her diaper too. I realized we never let her roam naked (because it always feels cold) and that might be something she would like to do. She played with her potty, and then pooed in her potty. I am trying to be careful not to push her to go again. Knowing me I will ruin the whole thing by pushing too hard, so I am going to forget about it, even though it is tempting to leave her naked all day and do only that!

I don't believe in beginner's luck. I think it is something else. Perhaps maybe having no expectations frees the mind. Or maybe it is something more, something deeper than that. Impulses from beyond. A couple of times we have had enormous sleep success after giving Anise a homeopathic remedy for sleep, but it would only last once. One night, or one nap, or one day. It has happened too often to be a coincidence. Not often enough to really think the homeopathy worked. Plus that would be the opposite - after giving a remedy I have expectations!

You know how they say practice makes perfect? Well for most of my life it has been the opposite. The more I try or "do" the worse things got. I know it is the same for Anise's nap. I learned to undo with flute, can I undo my anxiety?

I used to take gymnastics as a kid, and I could always do it the first time, then never again. Maybe it is thinking too hard, trying too hard, wanting too much. It was even like that for concepts for me. I would understand the physics equation the first time it was explained to us, then the more the teacher explained, the more I would lose it. I understood everything in school so quickly, but as the teacher went on my brain said "if this requires this much explanation then I must have misunderstood - it must be much harder and more complicated than I originally thought". So I would disconnect.

Like potty training.

No Naps (Again)

I know, I know I have written extensively on the sleep problems we have been having. I stopped writing about that for a while, partially because things got better, and partially because it is really boring to read! But while nights are good (knock wood) and I am extremely grateful, naps are not going so well. We had reverted back to stroller naps, because I was desperate for Anise to get enough sleep. But I don't find that to be a good solution, partially because with the winter we are having it is just too difficult, I need the break in the day to get stuff done, and I think it is time for Anise to have positive sleep associations with her own bed. I was given advice from someone I trust, who helped me get to the point of no more nonsense, Anise must now nap in her bed. Her technique was a "cry-it-out" but going in every 20 minutes. She promised 3 days. But since I had already been having unsuccessful cry-it-out sessions with Anise, going in every 20 minutes really didn't work. My limit for letting her cry for a nap is 1 hour and a half, and maybe that is my problem. She doesn't end up falling asleep by the end of that! She can just keep going. The more she cries in her crib, the more she will hate going in there. After the first couple of days we had made tins of progress, Anise went down for a nap with no tears, although she only stayed asleep for 40 min (which for a 16  month old who woke up at 5am, is not enough). I figured eventually length would come. I was wrong. The past couple of days there was a lot of crying and no sleeping. At this point I am totally freaking out, because she is not getting enough sleep, and I am worried that will impede her cognitive development. But now every time I out her in her stroller, I am reinforcing  the problem. She would take 2 naps and one would be almost 2 hours if I kept rolling, compared with one 40 minute nap at home...I am really stressing out and honestly do not know what to do. I have literally tried everything.

Will

How much longer will naps be a fight? How can a little person fight exhaustion so hard? I know I can't.

I have been thinking about will. I have been thinking about doctrines (I know I have written about that before). I have been thinking about life plans. I have been thinking about birth.

It is ok to recognize that somehow there is a failure within the medical system. But how to make peace with the fact that it is also a system which helps more than hinders?

This was my plan: conceive under the stars, with my beloved, during the best most spiritual lovemaking. Give birth at home, away from bright lights, umbilical cord pumping after birth. Live in a home full of wooden things, with no television to be seen. That last sentence is half joke, but is significant and representative of what I have been thinking about lately.

This was Anise's plan: come to us in a petri dish. Lift up her head during her birth to see the light, only to be rescued by doctors who need bright lights to do their work. Play with all sorts of toys (and play she does - yesterday morning for 1 hour by herself in her crib!) plastic, wood, silent and noisy. Watch, sing, dance and laugh to the television. No, make that Sesame Street only, nothing else is allowed to be on.

Anise knows exactly what she wants, and always has known. I respect that, and as long as it is possible, I can give her what she wants. And I can let go of doctrines, of things I once thought were "right".

I was speaking with someone who had the perfect homebirth, and who rejects medical care as much as she can. I can understand her, because in some ways I agree with her. But it is very easy to be anti medical help when you don't need it, and she is under a false impression that it is in her control. What if her child had decided to lift up her head?

Then why am I jealous when people say they don't own a tv, as if it were something they can accomplish but I can't. I like tv! But I wish I didn't!! Why can't I just like me???

Uch

I think I am losing my mind. Like Jena I am a worrier. I worry about everything and I create scary scenarios in my head. I used to be worse, and I worked on getting better, but it comes in waves. Usually the more stressed I am the more I worry about other things. But today was worse.

I left Anise with the babysitter to go to a café, catch up on e mails and phone calls. Today was my relaxing day off. I left with a pit in my stomach. Anise was tired this morning, I actually put her down in her crib for a nap right before I left at 9am, I left her crying and told Lenda to give her 20 minutes. Now at 12:30 I decided to rush home in a panic because I forgot tot tell Lenda what to give Anise for lunch. Lenda wasn't feeling well this morning, and I pictured her collapsed on the floor with Anise screaming in her crib. Thinking how happy I was that I put Anise in her crib, at least it is a safe place. So strong was this "feeling" or "intuition" that I couldn't wait the 30 seconds it would take me to drive home, I had to call on the way. Of course everything was fine - better than fine, Anise slept 40 min, was eating her lunch (Lenda knew exactly what to give her). Oddly enough when I worry most is when things go well. When I do decide to shut off and not worry is when I get called back.

I am just feeling antsy in general. When I am in this state I cannot trust my gut (clearly), and I have a career decision to make and do not know how to make it.

***

I hate my job. I sent 2 concert proposals to a small concert series in a small suburb, who heard me play and was interested in a program for next year. I sent in 2 proposals of concerts I have performed before. The organizer did not think the board would like one of them because she thought there was too much solo harpsichord. She asked for details of the program, but doesn't know enough about this repertoire to even know what the pieces are, and they are no for solo harpsichord. Even if they were she clearly does not trust me as a programmer. All this (4 emails back and forth) for a concert for 50 people, and for 200 dollars per musician!! I get more respect from people for my felted bear. I should do that for a living.

Obsessed

I haven't finished knitting my sweater, but I have a new passion: felting.

Look what I made!
and this

I Am Sick of Snow

That is all I have to say.

New Words

Now that I am "free" I have no time! No time to write that is. I am tired. Partially because sleep isn't going so well in this house these days, and partially because I am releasing all the fatigue from a busy and emotional month.

But I did join the gym, and for that I get bonus points! Of course now I have to actually go. And in my current state of fatigue that is going to require 300% more effort than it normally would.

This is the week of second thoughts. I am having second thoughts about the babysitter. Second thoughts about our sleep solutions. I am losing the line between instinct and self-doubt. My career is changing courses, and I have no idea where it is going. Somehow it feels so calm when it should be terrifying me. I don't have any self-doubt about those decisions, but my parenting decisions are feeling hard.

Anise has added a new word to her vocabulary: "dada" to mean "baby". Her other words are:
daa-daa = cookie
daada = daddy
dah-dah = caca (or formally known in public as poo)
dodo = Koji (our dog), and more recently every other animal!

It is a language only I can understand, but it is perfectly clear.

And Anise is starting to walk. I wonder if there is anything else as exciting when it comes to a child's development. It is incredible to watch how it unfolds, and it is teaching me so much more about who she is. I have been attending a Waldorf inspired mom's playgroup (no kids) once a week, so far have only had 2 sessions, given by a former Waldorf instructor. It is a small group of 6 women and is held right around the corner from me. It has been a very inspiring and spiritual experience. Last night we were asked to say in 3 minutes who our child was. It was such an interesting exercise to have to verbalize who (we think) our child is. For me that was an difficult question because I tend to dislike that question. I find people label too easily, and fall into a trap of thinking they know who their child is without leaving room for change. If we label a child as difficult, or picky, then they will become that way. But all children are all things, easy, difficult, sleepless, picky, smart! I described Anise as someone who is not of this earth. The word I chose to use even though is does not reflect my religious beliefs was "heavenly" for lack of a better word. I also said that she was shy and confident, serious and playful, calm and spirited. And she is a gift.

The Universe

is one strange place. Strange things have been happening around here. I quite my job with the only orchestra that hired me. I had to get away from negative energies, but I was giving up nice music and opportunities - a risk I was willing to take. I also decided to put my concert series on hold for the next year or two ( I produce, and play in a Montreal concert series ). Hard but not hard to stop, it wasn't making me happy any more. But it was my way of employing myself when no one else did, and I also got to perform concerts of my dreams. All along my decision-making people would say the usual "good things will come of this, new doors will open", i half believed it just to make myself feel better, but the truth is I didn't care. I have my good things, right here at home. I had no work at all lined up for the future, and strangely enough that relieved me. Then of course I got a job offer - one I didn't see coming. A good offer for one gig in January 2009. but the timing and circumstances of that gig are so weird, almost too perfect, as if orchestrated by someone who was watching my every move. Why is it that when we stop sending out vibes of desperation people start calling? Why do we get things when we don't want them? That somehow doesn't seem fair.

Today I had a recording session all day. I nursed Anise at 9:30 this morning, and she went to bed tonight for the first time with no breast. She has been nursing up a storm lately too, probably teeth, or something, so I was concerned about how the day would go. But everything fell nicely into place. I can finally breathe. And it feels good.