How much longer will naps be a fight? How can a little person fight exhaustion so hard? I know I can't.
I have been thinking about will. I have been thinking about doctrines (I know I have written about that before). I have been thinking about life plans. I have been thinking about birth.
It is ok to recognize that somehow there is a failure within the medical system. But how to make peace with the fact that it is also a system which helps more than hinders?
This was my plan: conceive under the stars, with my beloved, during the best most spiritual lovemaking. Give birth at home, away from bright lights, umbilical cord pumping after birth. Live in a home full of wooden things, with no television to be seen. That last sentence is half joke, but is significant and representative of what I have been thinking about lately.
This was Anise's plan: come to us in a petri dish. Lift up her head during her birth to see the light, only to be rescued by doctors who need bright lights to do their work. Play with all sorts of toys (and play she does - yesterday morning for 1 hour by herself in her crib!) plastic, wood, silent and noisy. Watch, sing, dance and laugh to the television. No, make that Sesame Street only, nothing else is allowed to be on.
Anise knows exactly what she wants, and always has known. I respect that, and as long as it is possible, I can give her what she wants. And I can let go of doctrines, of things I once thought were "right".
I was speaking with someone who had the perfect homebirth, and who rejects medical care as much as she can. I can understand her, because in some ways I agree with her. But it is very easy to be anti medical help when you don't need it, and she is under a false impression that it is in her control. What if her child had decided to lift up her head?
Then why am I jealous when people say they don't own a tv, as if it were something they can accomplish but I can't. I like tv! But I wish I didn't!! Why can't I just like me???
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
We're dealing with our own willful guys. The two year old won't sleep, wants to do everything by himself and everything big brother does; the five year old wants explanations for why he has to do everything.
ReplyDeleteIt's best to remember you're mom, but your not the boss. It's best to out smart them. It's best to pretend you're in control, but know, inside, you're faking it. Lots of deep breaths - that's how I have to get through.
Good Luck! I think you're doing great, better than a lot! Take heart.
I am laughing in recognition and yet also feeling the struggle, knowing how hard it can be.
ReplyDeleteDoctrines, of any kind, make us feel safe, in control as you said. And not owning or watching tv is a fine choice and really works for some, the way they live their values. When it becomes about being "better". superior, that's when I have to just smile and walk away, live my own life.
Watching my son like himself so much, so fully, for who he is and what he wants, it has helped me bein to offer the same to myself.
I happen to think you are just right. So does Anise, by the way.
ReplyDeletexo J
P.S. The rebel in me says "Fuck doctrines, fuck dogma, fuck anyone who makes you feel shitty about your choices. How about that! Can I just like myself when I have those kinds of thoughts??