I think I am losing my mind. Like Jena I am a worrier. I worry about everything and I create scary scenarios in my head. I used to be worse, and I worked on getting better, but it comes in waves. Usually the more stressed I am the more I worry about other things. But today was worse.
I left Anise with the babysitter to go to a café, catch up on e mails and phone calls. Today was my relaxing day off. I left with a pit in my stomach. Anise was tired this morning, I actually put her down in her crib for a nap right before I left at 9am, I left her crying and told Lenda to give her 20 minutes. Now at 12:30 I decided to rush home in a panic because I forgot tot tell Lenda what to give Anise for lunch. Lenda wasn't feeling well this morning, and I pictured her collapsed on the floor with Anise screaming in her crib. Thinking how happy I was that I put Anise in her crib, at least it is a safe place. So strong was this "feeling" or "intuition" that I couldn't wait the 30 seconds it would take me to drive home, I had to call on the way. Of course everything was fine - better than fine, Anise slept 40 min, was eating her lunch (Lenda knew exactly what to give her). Oddly enough when I worry most is when things go well. When I do decide to shut off and not worry is when I get called back.
I am just feeling antsy in general. When I am in this state I cannot trust my gut (clearly), and I have a career decision to make and do not know how to make it.
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I hate my job. I sent 2 concert proposals to a small concert series in a small suburb, who heard me play and was interested in a program for next year. I sent in 2 proposals of concerts I have performed before. The organizer did not think the board would like one of them because she thought there was too much solo harpsichord. She asked for details of the program, but doesn't know enough about this repertoire to even know what the pieces are, and they are no for solo harpsichord. Even if they were she clearly does not trust me as a programmer. All this (4 emails back and forth) for a concert for 50 people, and for 200 dollars per musician!! I get more respect from people for my felted bear. I should do that for a living.
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Yes, maybe you should felt for a living! Or give up the ghost and lay down the shoulds altogether, along with the worry. Could it be that easy?
ReplyDeleteWWAS? (What would Anise say?)
xo Jena
I thought you quit your job?
ReplyDeleteSympathize with your worry and career decisions. I still don't know how to make a decision. I usually want to wait for something to feel right, but sometimes (like now) I am torn, and I have to trust my logic instead of my feeling. I have been trying to remember that it's okay to make a decision and go through with it even if I am not absolutely certain that it is the right course of action. I may not be able to go back if I don't like where I end up, but I can always decide to do something else.
Hope you're having better days now.
RM