Wrinkles

Why is everything hard for me? I am not the onlt person on earth to have a toddler, other people manage. They look great, cook dinner, and even clean their house! Why am I so hopeless? Why am I so tired? This debilitating fatigue that is here, that makes things so difficult, will it ever go away? Is it something I am not eating? Is it because I am not exercising? Is there something wrong with me? Is it because I am over my ideal weight? Am I doing something wrong? Is it all in my head? Anise wakes up so early, this morning 5am, and by 4pm carrying her upstairs is literally hell. Fatigue has all sorts of side effects: depression, mistakes, panics, and wrinkles, to name a few.

I gave up my diet. After my failed fertility treatment I had this strange surge of energy. It was the contrast between the normal me and the hormone laden me, and I felt great. I had the energy it took to diet (because it takes a hell of a lot of energy) and I did it for 1 week. How pathetic! Then I got sick - a really bad cold. I have not been sick in over a year, I think dieting weakened my immune system. Then Anise got sick, then Husband got sick, then we were away - there was no way! And now we moved, are not living at home, and my treatment starts tonight (back on birth control pills) collection is a little over a month away. Not the time to be dieting - right? Right! Then why do I feel like such a loser?

I lost it the other night. I was so calm before we moved, and excited, denying that any of this was stressful. Then I got so tired that I couldn't sleep, and I cried. Knowing I can't catch upon sleep, nor can I stop to lie down during the day, at night feels like a version of hell. The perpetualness of it is what is horrible. So I finally cried, and I felt the grief and pain that is in my body - the longing for, and loss of a child again. It hurts. I can deny it, and then it hurts again. I am good at burying it - I have to , but it comes back to haunt me sometimes.

This time I am ready. I want a baby (it is impossible to be more tired, right?). Last time, I wasn't. I did not feel ready, maybe that is why it didn't work. So here I go again, on the roller coaster of why's and maybes, and hopes and fantasies. Oh well. It is my choice. And my house is going to be great.