The thought suddenly came to me that I should quit. And I liked it. I am thinking about quitting flute too, but that has been in my head for longer. I don't know why I am writing, or for whom. I don't think it is for myself anymore (or was it ever?) so it is time to stop. I get disappointed in myself if I don't write, and I don't need something else hanging over my head that I have to do.
I don't need more friendships that I can't even maintain. It feels like everyone is falling away, I must be pushing them away. But you see, my job consumes me, and it is work work work all the time - weekends and vacations included. I work sleep work. I am depleted of everything besides love for my family. I am physically drained, and emotionally drained, and there is no me left to talk or write about. I guess there is little me to listen as well.
And today I have so much anger in me, I am not sure where it comes from, or where it is directed. But I do: It comes from me, and is directed at me. I am angry at concert producers who undermine me, friends who disappoint me, workers who annoy me, and oven mitts that don't protect against heat.
Maybe it is the fatigue speaking, maybe it is that fucking pill, and maybe one day I will be back. But my emotions about blogging are mimicking upheaval I am feeling in my life, and I want to so desperately change things!
So leaving this blog, perhaps returning under a new name, seems like a step in some direction. I am not sure who reads me, but those who do, thank you for being here. I am sending love out to the blogosphere, because that I have...
xxx
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About Me
- Mika
- I am a mother of a toddler, I am a wife, I am a musician struggling with the question of balance between motherhood and the rest of life.
I read you ...
ReplyDeleteI'll miss you and worry about you even though you are a stranger far away from me! I'm never disappointed when you don't write, only interested when you do.
I understand though, life gets to be almost too much, sometimes, and letting a few things drop feels so good. I use my blog as personal therapy and eat up the support kind strangers give, but if blogging is a chore ... it can't work that way.
About 18 months ago, I was having terrible random inexplicable anger and stress management issues. Fasting, radical dietary change, and meditation helped me here's an old post about my experience.
BEST of best of luck in life. Let me know if you ever have a flute performance out in Utah! Take care! Sending love your way.
Brandy Roth
Mika -
ReplyDeleteI hope it is a way of taking care of yourself to step away from this place. I read you - and will keep reading you as long as you want to share, blog or no blog.
Your friend,
xo Jena
I have returned, and if it is to say goodbye, well, I trust you completely.
ReplyDeleteJust let me know if you want your spot on the blogroll. I agree there's not much validation in blogging. There's not much validation in anything. We just do it to do it, and maybe we can do it differently than we do other things? Me, not so much yet, but I keep at it, and try to keep an open eye.
PS I'm much nicer in writing than real life, so for me the writing helps me be kind where it matters most.
Enough of that. I'll be waiting.
will miss you xoxo
ReplyDeleteHurrah! Finally I got a web site from where I know how
ReplyDeleteto really get helpful data concerning my study and knowledge.
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