It's the little things that are hard. It sounds ridiculous when said out loud, but it's true. The lawn furniture was moved and blocks my stroller path. The computer was changed and my fonts are gone. There are boxes blocking the basement cupboard so I can't get my gloves.
Anise had a meltdown this morning. I hate when people use that word, but she had one, and it was her first. She was exhausted, I know that, but went hysterical when we tried to lie down. I had two perfect days in a row (10, 2, 8) and I know it is "two steps forward, one step back". I know improvement is gradual, I can't expect too much, but it is hard. I didn't know what to do, so I put baby in the stroller and left the house, she fell asleep in a second.
By the time I left the house I felt like it had been a whole day. I feel Anise is expressing anger for the first time. Is it my fault, is she picking up on my anger? Why am I angry? I feel like we haven't settled yet, that the house is in disarray, that there is nowhere to store things, that we are disorganized and I am waiting for that to change. But it won't. Life is whizzing by at a pace so fast we can't keep up. Too many things need to get done, not enough time.
I know husband is under a lot of pressure. I know he is under too much pressure. I know part of that is my fault. But sometimes I feel resentful that he doesn't know what it feels like to be taking care of Anise full time. He doesn't know what it feels like to go to the bathroom every morning with either:
a) a screaming baby
b) a baby on your lap
c) a baby sticking their hand in the toilet
d) a baby getting into trouble and having to get up and take something away
He doesn't know what it feels like to be on watch 24/7. Last night I woke up and noticed Anise was in the middle of the room, she crawled off her bed. I keep watch in my sleep, something which is both fascinating and disturbing.
He doesn't know what it feels like to try to control things unsuccessfully, to constantly be blaming oneself for making the wrong choice. To be completely alone while making a million decisions a day, all of which are both inconsequential and extremely important. To not be able to take a 2 minute break if you need one, (or taking a break because you need one while somebody screams in the next room, which doesn't end up feeling like a break - or better yet - calling on mom to babysit to take a break and go shopping for food only to come back to a crying baby who then reaches out to you with a red swollen face and stops as soon as you take her in your arms, thus regretting the decision to take that stupid shopping break). To be responsible for someone's well being, and then knowing you will have to let them go one day. To be responsible for someone's happiness (or sleep schedule) all the while knowing that ultimately they are responsible for their own happiness and sleep.
I just want to share these feeling with the person who shares everything else with me. But I can't, just like he can't share what is feels like to have to work so that we could survive. To have no sleep and have to function in public, and be judged by colleagues and clients, and then come home to a hollow wife and cranky baby.
Is there a point at which we can meet in the middle?
I am not unhappy. I am not bitter. I love my life right now. I love taking care of Anise, the joys are limitless. I am just surprised by what is hard. I can't prepare for the hard moments that come out of nowhere and out of nothing, and then are over in one second. I can't prepare for the physical challenges that require a strength that took me one year to get.
But then I look down at my nursing angel who is playing with a button on my shirt, and nothing has ever made me as happy.
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If I could come over right now, hold your baby while you pee in private or do your dishes while you hold your baby, know that I would.
ReplyDeleteThis is hard. It just is. And that it is joyful and chosen and our greatest happiness, doesn't really make it less hard. At least not in my experience.
Some may know it differently, but I have not found it possible to really "meet in the middle" with my husband. He simply does NOT know, any more then I know his reality. We can listen and have empathy and love one another, but he simply does not have the same experience, and when he tries to say he does, then it feels like we're competing to see who is the most stressed. :)
I think for me, more then him getting it, I just want to know if I am seen.
And the melt down. I'm sorry. It's hard and anxiety producing and amazing the force that can come from one so small.
As for anger, I don't know that we need to teach them this. It seems that aggression is kind of instinctual. Sometimes it comes out as anger and sometimes creative force. But the pull to have things our way and to storm when we come up against boundaries or obstacle, is perhaps innate. Contending with Leo's aggression and anger has awakened me to how uncomfortable I am with my own. This is hard to see.
Well, this is becoming tediously long. But know that even though we have never met, I do hear you and you are not alone.
oh how i thank you for this post. you express yourself so openly and heartfelt...please know that there are those of us out here in the blogoshere who so appreciate hearing your words. Because i am a mom and i've been there, i am there right now. it helps to share it, at least you know you're not alone. you do need time away, if at all possible to just get away for a little.
ReplyDeletethank you for the beautiful post and i wish you peace with your daughter....know you are doing the most amazing job in the world.
Aha. Now I see. No one can share it with you in so many words. "The mother is the mother and the father is not."
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