No Naps (Again)

I know, I know I have written extensively on the sleep problems we have been having. I stopped writing about that for a while, partially because things got better, and partially because it is really boring to read! But while nights are good (knock wood) and I am extremely grateful, naps are not going so well. We had reverted back to stroller naps, because I was desperate for Anise to get enough sleep. But I don't find that to be a good solution, partially because with the winter we are having it is just too difficult, I need the break in the day to get stuff done, and I think it is time for Anise to have positive sleep associations with her own bed. I was given advice from someone I trust, who helped me get to the point of no more nonsense, Anise must now nap in her bed. Her technique was a "cry-it-out" but going in every 20 minutes. She promised 3 days. But since I had already been having unsuccessful cry-it-out sessions with Anise, going in every 20 minutes really didn't work. My limit for letting her cry for a nap is 1 hour and a half, and maybe that is my problem. She doesn't end up falling asleep by the end of that! She can just keep going. The more she cries in her crib, the more she will hate going in there. After the first couple of days we had made tins of progress, Anise went down for a nap with no tears, although she only stayed asleep for 40 min (which for a 16  month old who woke up at 5am, is not enough). I figured eventually length would come. I was wrong. The past couple of days there was a lot of crying and no sleeping. At this point I am totally freaking out, because she is not getting enough sleep, and I am worried that will impede her cognitive development. But now every time I out her in her stroller, I am reinforcing  the problem. She would take 2 naps and one would be almost 2 hours if I kept rolling, compared with one 40 minute nap at home...I am really stressing out and honestly do not know what to do. I have literally tried everything.

Skeptic

I have been swearing a lot lately. Maybe it is time to stop, otherwise I will have a one year old who says fuck all the time.
It is snowing again. Fuck. I really can't take the winter anymore. Why the hell did people settle here...Of all the places they could have gone.

Last week Anise and I went to our homeopath. I am not a non-believer, BUT, some things do seem soooooo weird. We went because Anise wasn't napping, and I was EXHAUSTED. The symptoms: Anise cries initially when I leave her with the babysitter, then stops (normal), is a late walker (normal), has a preference for cheese and chicken (?), nurses a lot (normal), sometimes pinches my nose (?). Sounds crazy, right?

Well - the day after the remedy was given to me (Anise got it through my milk), she stretched her arms out to the babysitter as I was leaving, and she napped for 45 minutes. Now, one week later she has been in great spirits since last week (much less cranky), still goes happily to babysitter (even waves goodbye) napped yesterday for 1 hour and 20 minutes, still eats cheese and chicken (actually liking cheese a little less). And I have about a trillion times more energy. Some people even pointed out that my writing voice has changed.

So? Coincidence? I think not.

Letting Go

Ok, the jealousy has passed, it has gone. Pushed aside, probably buried where it will no doubt resurface easily. What I have, no one else does. I have my daughter, my husband, my life. I have a daughter who is home with a babysitter, asleep in her crib. A milestone and accomplishment that happened on its own, and has made me both happy and proud. Forget fame, forget fortune, a sleeping baby is worth a million bucks.

I quit my job. My one regular job. I was being pushed out, but I quit before I had to be told to leave. A decision I have been thinking about for years, but haven't had the guts to make. Then the decision was made for me, and now I am free.

I feel like I am floating on ups and downs, things happening without my control, the way it should be. Can I let life take me, can I trust that it will take me where I want to go? I have no choice. But I have the tools now to put things in perspective. One job, one gig, one concert, good or bad. One experience that is not mine, so I can't want it.

So I plod along. No, the world wouldn't miss me, but Anise would, and Husband would, and that is enough.

I have learned when I hit the wall to turn the other way. One thing that distinguishes baroque flute (and other baroque instruments) from modern ones, is that the more you push the less sound you make. Ever notice when you bang on a piano it gets louder? Try banging on a historical piano or a harpsichord, it loses its sound. I have often wondered what that meant for people at the time. Is that a reflection of the way the dealt with life? My teacher used to say in a gentle voice, with a Flemish accent: "don't push".

When I feel I have no options left, instead of pushing I should let go. When my sounds isn't working I put the flute down. I think we are taught to push, to strive, to achieve, to "be strong", and accomplish. And who is happy? That is all that matters. Be gentle. Not fierce. Calm, not wild. Confident, not despondent. I will have to tell myself that a million times, I will have to pick myself up when I fall, because no one else will. But I could imitate. Copy those who have figured it out, be inspired by the people who have it together. Learn from the masters. And I in turn will get to share it one day.

No Nap Part III

I am in trouble. After what feels like a long time, but is really about 1 week, we have not gotten very far. Last night we did a real "cry-it-out" session with Anise in the middle of the night. She cried hard for 30 min, and 5 min later another round of almost 30 min. The rest of the night was ok. This morning I left Anise with babysitter, and after one and a half hours of constant crying I got called back. This afternoon I let her cry without going in her room (this was a first) for her nap (for which she was desperate because there was no morning nap), she cried for 35 min and then fell asleep, only to eake up 20 minutes later. So the "crying-it-out" philosophy isn't working, and the poor girl has been crying it out for most of the week.

All I could think of in the middle of the night was that this goes against everything that I believe. then I think of the plastic piano and I remember that I don't have to have beliefs about child raising, because all of my beliefs came from a time when I didn't have children, and didn't know.

My friend suggested that had I let her continue crying after she woke up from her nap (I did for 15 min) then she would have eventually fallen back asleep. Not true. I know my daughter. I took her for a walk right after that, hoping she would at least catch up on some sleep, but she never slept. if she could keep herself up on a walk, she could sure as hell keep herself up in her crib. Plus how long can a baby stay in her crib? At this point, we are both losing out on life. this nap saga has taken over, and it is time to get back to seeing the world.

The problem is, every time we try to change a habit, we lose the old way of getting her to sleep without gaining a new one.

I don't know what the hell to do.

New Nap Part II

I am not going to go into the mundane details of the naps. Even though that is what has been consuming me this past week. Did she nap, where, when, and for how long. A whole life can be focused around naps. Since the first day (Tuesday) when she cried for 45 min and then fell asleep, she hadn't fallen asleep again in her crib until today. Both times were after parties and she was exhausted. The problem is that Anise doesn't know how to just fall asleep. Some other times she cried and eventually stopped, but decided to play instead - which is fine - except that she needs to sleep. She has been really pale, and beyond exhausted, but her stubbornness seems to be taking precedence over sleepiness. Her spirits have been good though! And she has been entertaining us the past few days.

Which brings me to this: principles.

I thought I had them. I have learned to let go of them. With principles comes judgment, and prejudice.

For example, before having a child of my own I had decided that we would not own any plastic toys. All of Anise's favourite toys are plastic. And they make a lot of noise. And they play dumb music. But she LOVES the things, and when I say love, I mean can play by herself at a plastic, garish, obnoxious table that sort of looks like a cartoon of a piano, which is over-stimulating, has blaring lights, and a smiley sun that makes you want to vomit, for HOURS. So it is now embraced into my household, and is officially on my list of things I am glad we bought.

The New Nap

We don't think when we have a baby that it is possible for a baby to take care of us. After Anise was born, my body was literally coming apart at the seams. A week after my bigger than average cesearian, I discovered I had a broken rib. The medication they gave me for the rib gave me an allergic reaction, I was seriously sick to my stomach, and the next day I broke out in hives. The day after that my incision began to reopen. I could barely walk, I was having drenching night sweats, and I was in unbearable pain breastfeeding. I have never been sick before, and was never expecting to be like this after giving birth. I was so frustrated, angry, and disappointed. And Anise took care of me. She was calm, gentle, and she slept. She communicated as she looked at me with wise eyes. She smiled. She played by herself. She was content for hours on her little chair while we had nice calm dinners. She had a four hour stretch of sleep every night when we needed it most. She waited until I was back on my feet to challenge me, and then did it gradually!

Today Anise took care of me. Just when we were at our lowest: Husband was sick all weekend with excruciating pain, (after 2 months of non-stop work, one and a half weeks of vacation spent in bed sick, 2 months of little sleep) he could no longer function, and I (as was obvious from my latest posts) was fraught with anxiety about everything possible, plus we had to do the dreaded "sleep training".

Our babysitter canceled today (I have to admit I was relieved), so I decided to tackle the naps. No more excuses. She cried VERY hard for 40 minutes. I stayed with her, tried to lie her down when she stood up. She didn't seem tired enough, and she was MAD, I was sure this would never work. Then something extraordinary happened. I cried. As soon as Anise saw me cry she stopped crying. She looked at me, her eyes wide with amazement. She stared at me, and then she listened. I told her she had to go to sleep, by herself, in her crib. I told her I understood that this was difficult for her, that it was new and different, but that it would be good for her. She watched me cry, and then she fell asleep. She slept for an hour. Her reaction to my crying was really amazing, I never would have expected it. I am sure she is an angel, sent from somewhere...

Thank you again, cyber friends, for your encouragement and support.

Soft

Anise is cranky, I'm cranky. I feel lousy, she feels lousy. Is it her teeth? Or the separation, or my own anxiety and insecurities that I have passed on? I was nervous for her two days ago when Lenda came. I was putting on a fake happy face, trying to convince her that everything was ok, she didn't fall for it. I know I should stay neutral, and I am trying to control my emotions, but I can't. Monday I will just leave. Everybody is telling me that the babysitter thing is a good thing, that it is good for her, good for me, that being happy and relaxed, and focusing on other things will make me a better mother. Is that really true? Or does that just make us all feel better, because really we know the best thing for a baby is to be with its mother. She isn't four, or three, or even two, and ready for any independence. She isn't even walking. I can try to convince myself that doing something for me is indirectly doing something good for her, but that is just bullshit. I haven't lost it, I don't resent her, I am not going crazy. The only thing suffering is the house, dinner, and my so-called career. I know people do it all the time, I know other people go to work full time, but that doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't make Anise feel better.

Maybe I am inventing this whole scenario, and really it is her teeth bothering her, and she will be just fine with Lenda once her teeth come in (she is getting new top teeth). I am just so afraid that I am changing her from a happy relaxed child to an anxious, needy child.

I am feeling weepy. Stressed out, lost, and tearful. Too many changes I am not ready for them, and I can't make them happen. Sleep has been a disaster the past three days. Anise slept through the night three days ago and we were hopeful and optimistic; everyone and everything is on the mend. Not so. Now we have to take drastic measures because this lack of sleep is affecting all of our lives. No more excuses (teething, illness, stress, separation). But I am weak, and I am soft. I am what some might call "over sensitive", is that a bad thing? I am not comfortable with Anise's crying, I need to help her and listen to her when she cries. I need to be there and comfort her, because it comforts me.

When Anise was born she never cried. In her first three months of life I can count how many times she cried for longer than 30 seconds (about 4 times). I didn't stifle her, she was very relaxed, happy and expressive. She also slept really well. I never had the chance to get desensitized to the sound of her cry, but maybe one never does. That is why now when she cries I feel somehow that it is my fault. I feel this is all my fault, her attachment, her sleep problems. I know there are bigger problems out there in the world. I know we are lucky, Anise is lucky, and all is good. I feel stupid for feeling this way, for creating problems when there are none. I am making a big deal out of nothing. But it all feels like shit, and nobody is getting any sleep.

Almost done

I haven't had a second to write. But I have been thinking up lots of posts!

I have been getting adequate sleep and thus have been more tired than usual, makes sense, eh?

I didn't realize how much the sleep issue was stressful for me, and now that things are much better I feel this huge relief. Naps are still extremely challenging, only husband can achieve success, so the weekend was peaceful with 2 naps happening each day. Yesterday and today there were only single half hour naps. Clearly, I am the problem. I am running out of ideas and getting tired out. But evenings and nighttime are bliss, and I feel like I can live again!

2 more days of rehearsal, 3 more concerts adn I am free for 6 weeks, yay!! Much needed time to just be with Anise and not have anything else floating in my head.

Hello

Ok, I am back...

Well, sort of. I should be sleeping right now, or resting, but I feel like writing instead.

Just to report, things are going pretty well here. Husband has completely taken over night shift. He gets Anise to sleep beautifully, and has been great at getting her back, using less and less intervention (was rocking, then petting, now talking her back to sleep). I had two nights in our bed (our old bed is back - up off the floor!!) all by myself, door closed! It felt like I was at a hotel. I slept wonderfully, and have been much more tired these couple of days! I lost the adrenaline that was keeping me going, my body had a taste of sleep and it wants more.

Naps are another issue all together. They were going well, Anise was falling asleep on me no nursing and hardly crying. Sunday she decided that she really should be putting up a fight, and she has been winning. My husband suggested I give up for this week, I had a concert yesterday afternoon, and I have a big concert on Sunday that I am organizing and playing in, and I am quite stressed out about that at the moment. This morning, however, I thought I would give it a try, and Anise cried hard for 25 minutes, I gave up and nursed her (which was the worst thing I could have done, it would have been better not to try, or not to have nursed, I essentially taught her that persistence will get her what she wants, which is not a bad lesson ordinarily) oh well, it is done. She is asleep now in her stroller, I couldn't handle that twice today.

But this has got me thinking about what I am teaching. Am I doing the right thing? Who knows, I am doing what I can, and trying new things. I watch her cry in my arms and I think "this isn't so bad, she has me holding her, she is just angry she is not getting what she wants, she has no feelings of being abandoned etc.". But then I think that the energy, spunk, persistence and stubbornness that Anise has are all good qualities. Not to mention the fact that she is confident and full of happiness, am I ruining that? But she does have to sleep, and she has to learn how. Unfortunately this is the only way I can teach her. It would be much better if someone else did it. She would be happier, and so would I.

I do feel very liberated. I realize I was carrying a lot of fear about what would happen in the future. As if there was this looming transition that had to happen, that would be painful. In the end these changes have not been that painful, and it has given me faith that things can change, I was really stuck. My husband thinks we could have tried earlier, maybe he is right, but maybe it has been working so well because the timing was just right.

Last night I had a dream I gave birth and it was painless. I have had these dreams before, and they are wonderful. They feel so real, it must be nice to give birth painlessly (I suppose it is possible nowadays!) I woke up hoping it was real. It was a little boy in my dream.

I feel like I am getting my period. It has been almost 2 years since I last had one! The feeling is bringing back memories. Memories of waiting, but hoping that it wouldn't come. Being hyper-aware of my body, every twitch, every change, every bit of bloatedness and nausea, hunger and cravings. My wanting to get pregnant was so ingrained that I still want it to happen, just so it can happen. We want more kids, and pretty soon, but not right now. Yet I can't stop this hope that I am...

I should be thinking about Sunday. But I can't. I have forgotten how. I have never done a concert with this little rehearsal, we only have 2 half days. There are only three pieces, but we will be a large group.

So, I probably won't have a chance to write until Monday, but you never know!

Silence

I would like everybody to know that I am enjoying the silence. Anise is asleep in crib, she fell asleep without nursing and WITHOUT TEARS!!!!

Victory!

I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you, women, for your support!!!

No Title

Things change when they have to change. Anise has left me no choice but to make a change. Maybe she wants it, but it will be hard. I knew that nursing her to sleep somehow had to stop, I was hoping one night she would just roll over and fall asleep and that would be that. Instead she decided to bite me so much and so hard that nursing her to fall asleep is no longer an option. But she still wants to. She had a cold this week, her first big real cold. I thought it would be hell since her nose was too blocked to nurse, but she actually fell asleep without nursing a couple of times. It wasn't the milestone I was hoping for, it was more a sign of how sick she was feeling. Now that she is feeling better she wants to go back to her old ways. Well, not completely, she is nursing a lot less during the day. I could feel some "weaning" is starting to happen, and by her own choice. But how to get her to sleep is a mystery to me.

I need help. I need serious advice. I like advice, I take other people's advice when given, but I have not gotten any advice on this subject that actually helps, given the way things go, her habits and who Anise is.

The plan I have come up with is to do a sort of "pick up put down" baby whisperer thing, but lying down with Anise. I tried that today for Anise's nap, and it didn't go so badly, she actually seemed like she might fall asleep, and then she perked up and got really upset. At that point I decided to let her nurse and she did, she fell asleep and she was too tired to bite. So I thought that was a good beginning, I figured if she gets upset enough she will tire herself out a bit and then fall asleep quicker. So at 8:20 tonight I thought I would try it again. Forget it, she found a strong second wind and just when I thought she had cried enough and was ready, I nursed her and she bit me again! So I gave up, now she is playing upstairs (happily).

Tomorrow is Anise's birthday party, so it isn't the best night to be trying new things. Plus she still has remnants of her cold, another reason why the timing isn't so good. But now it doesn't even seem like I have a choice, I can't choose to do or not do anything, she is biting me, so there is nothing I can do. I will have to wait until she is tired enough, I guess my hopes for early bedtime are dashed. Plus I actually wanted to sneak out for one whole hour to go to a party tonight, I guess that won't be happening.

Why does it feel like I am the only person in the world who has had this particular pattern? Maybe because I am.

I don't think I have ever felt so alone. And incompetent. My husband has no idea that anything is even going on. This has become entirely my problem, and to make matters worse, Anise is in a phase where she won't even go happily to daddy, only me.

I am emotionless. I feel like crying but I can't cry. The only emotion I feel is anger and rage, directed towards guess who. I am channeling my fear and self-doubt to anger and resentment. Resentful that this has become my problem and not our problem. Anyway, what difference would it make if it were?

@%*&! This sucks!!!!!!!!

Rain

Today I hit a low. I had rehearsal all day today, and to get Anise to nap before dropping her at my mom's I walked with her in the pouring rain for 45 min, got drenched, and she didn't even sleep. I thought I would spare my mom a rain walk. This is what I did instead of practicing this morning. Then I worried about leaving her. As it turns out everything was fine, she slept (in her stroller) for 2 hours with my mom, and she even ate lunch! Yay!
As I write this my husband is out for a drive with baby, we are trying something new. Maybe if she sleeps in the car in the evening I can then put her to bed earlier. Last night she wouldn't go down again until 10:30, her teeth are really bugging her so I am blaming the teeth.
I used to think it was a problem that I had to nurse her to sleep, now I am wishing she would nurse so I could get her to sleep! When she won't nurse there is nothing I can do to get her to sleep. I have a feeling it hurts her to nurse, because she seems to want to and not want to at the same time. She has also been biting A LOT. So now I nurse her in fear, thank goodness she doesn't have top teeth yet.
Maybe all this is a good thing, maybe she is in the process of weaning herself a bit. Or maybe it is all because of mercury retrograde (I believe that).
I am tired.

Sleep (again)

How do you make someone sleep? You can set the stage for sleep, create a routine, dim the lights, read a story, sing, stand on your head, do a chicken dance, but you cannot force someone to sleep. I can trust that it will happen, it usually does. I try to tell myself that every day Anise ends up sleeping. But working at it is sucking up way too much energy. I would love for Anise to nap at 10 and at 2 and go to bed at 8. I think I am doing all that I know how to have that happen, but it is not happening. Then the guilt. I must be doing something wrong since it is technically possible, other babies do it. I had a baby who slept a lot at first, and I have to admit that when I would talk to people who were having trouble with their babies' sleep, I would tell them what I do, as if I were partially responsible for the success. But the truth is, Anise was.

Anise is very happy baby. She plays and plays and loves to play. When she gets tired she rubs her eyes, sometimes she yawns, and she keeps playing. Up until one and a half weeks ago Anise was taking two long naps. But she decided that she doesn't want to sleep in her (our) bed anymore, so I resorted to stroller, which has its advantages and disadvantages. I saw it as a temporary solution, because I was interpreting this as a transition. Maybe even a good transition because she is wanting to nurse less (and the "problem" we have is that she will only fall asleep while nursing) and someone else can put her to sleep.

The other day I tried to be forceful and sat with her on the bed as she threw her tantrum. She got very upset, I managed to stay neutral. Then it started to bother me. What bothered me was seeing Anise angry with me, but then looking to me for comfort. I felt bad. I felt that if I continued to force the bond of trust would be destroyed, so it was time to stop.

Yesterday she only had one nap. I tried not to take it too seriously thinking she would go to bed early. That didn't happen. Not only did that not happen, but she didn't want to go to sleep with us (which is the usual end result of a late night). She crawled off the bed. What do other co-sleepers do? Where have I gone wrong? Why doesn't she like to sleep? She has a gusto for life that is amazing to see, and she loves to play, I guess that trumps sleep.

Part of me thinks this is not a problem, I trust this will sort itself out. We are in transition and I should go with the flow. But another part of me thinks that if things aren't fixed now they will get worse, plus she needs to sleep, and I need her to sleep!

People give me good advice, but it the same as my advice, it is nothing knew, and I have tried it many times and it does not work. Should I stop fighting? I know the more stressed I get the less she sill sleep, but that just makes me stressed about being stressed!

Something in me has to change. I trust that. But what, and how? What I don't trust is myself. How do I get Anise to sleep?