Magic

I don't know how Anise ended up sleeping in our room. Actually I do know. I know exactly where the turning point was and when we hit the point of no return. I also know why. Anise started out in our room after we came home from the hospital. Our bed was our regular high bed with a wonderful "co-sleeper" attached to it. Anise was sleeping, but we weren't! She was making funny noises so when she was 3 weeks old we decided to move her into her bedroom where she slept better and we slept better. I felt guilty (of course) because I had read that babies' cortisol levels are lower when they are in their parents bedroom. I also worried about her a lot, when it was too quiet or if she slept for too long I would peek in. Then, when she was almost 6 mos old she started waking up a little more often. We were getting tired. I would nurse her back to sleep because I thought it was just a little phase, and nursing her put her right back to sleep. Then it got hot. There was a fan in our bedroom and not in hers, so one night I said "let's just keep her here" plus we were tired of getting out of bed so often. At this point she was napping only in our bed. Then before we knew it, she was on her own mattress on the floor, next to our mattress which is now on the floor too. Now we are co-sleeping and it has been 5 months. I love it.
I love waking up next to her, holding her in the middle of the night. I love hearing her breathe, I love feeling her hand reach out and touch me. She has a magic touch that she inherited from my husband (when he touches me a little tingle remains after he has taken his hand off). I also worry less. I haven't dreamed that I have forgotten about her in a long time.
I just wish she would go to sleep at 8:00pm.

Sleep (again)

How do you make someone sleep? You can set the stage for sleep, create a routine, dim the lights, read a story, sing, stand on your head, do a chicken dance, but you cannot force someone to sleep. I can trust that it will happen, it usually does. I try to tell myself that every day Anise ends up sleeping. But working at it is sucking up way too much energy. I would love for Anise to nap at 10 and at 2 and go to bed at 8. I think I am doing all that I know how to have that happen, but it is not happening. Then the guilt. I must be doing something wrong since it is technically possible, other babies do it. I had a baby who slept a lot at first, and I have to admit that when I would talk to people who were having trouble with their babies' sleep, I would tell them what I do, as if I were partially responsible for the success. But the truth is, Anise was.

Anise is very happy baby. She plays and plays and loves to play. When she gets tired she rubs her eyes, sometimes she yawns, and she keeps playing. Up until one and a half weeks ago Anise was taking two long naps. But she decided that she doesn't want to sleep in her (our) bed anymore, so I resorted to stroller, which has its advantages and disadvantages. I saw it as a temporary solution, because I was interpreting this as a transition. Maybe even a good transition because she is wanting to nurse less (and the "problem" we have is that she will only fall asleep while nursing) and someone else can put her to sleep.

The other day I tried to be forceful and sat with her on the bed as she threw her tantrum. She got very upset, I managed to stay neutral. Then it started to bother me. What bothered me was seeing Anise angry with me, but then looking to me for comfort. I felt bad. I felt that if I continued to force the bond of trust would be destroyed, so it was time to stop.

Yesterday she only had one nap. I tried not to take it too seriously thinking she would go to bed early. That didn't happen. Not only did that not happen, but she didn't want to go to sleep with us (which is the usual end result of a late night). She crawled off the bed. What do other co-sleepers do? Where have I gone wrong? Why doesn't she like to sleep? She has a gusto for life that is amazing to see, and she loves to play, I guess that trumps sleep.

Part of me thinks this is not a problem, I trust this will sort itself out. We are in transition and I should go with the flow. But another part of me thinks that if things aren't fixed now they will get worse, plus she needs to sleep, and I need her to sleep!

People give me good advice, but it the same as my advice, it is nothing knew, and I have tried it many times and it does not work. Should I stop fighting? I know the more stressed I get the less she sill sleep, but that just makes me stressed about being stressed!

Something in me has to change. I trust that. But what, and how? What I don't trust is myself. How do I get Anise to sleep?