We got one little guy...Better than none, it only takes one. Now is the worst part: we wait, and wait and wait.
It feels like forever, one week left.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Disappointed
I am feeling low. Very bloated, sore and low. At least I am having an emotion...
I have lost friends. Both virtual and local. I have lost friends before due to this whole infertility thing. But I didn't expect that this time. As far as my virtual friends are concerned, it is my own fault, I went away and I disappeared. But as far as my local friend is concerned, I have no idea what happened. Nor do I feel like speculating. It doesn't matter, but it does.
This fertility process makes me feel alone. The physical pain is real, but I don't get sympathy for it. The emotional pain is worse, and now that I have a child I don't get any sympathy either. I am trying not to be afraid, not to fear the failure. But it is hard. Although it feels greedy, I want another child. Other people can have them, so why can't I? I read once that people with secondary infertility are just as depressed as people who have not had any children. For me, the desperation is not at all the same, but my idea of a family always consisted of more than one child, and I would be unhappy if I could not conceive a second, but not as unhappy if I couldn't have any. People (those I choose to tell) keep saying to me that if it doesn't work then it's ok because I have Anise. Yet no one questions women who have no trouble conceiving who choose to have more than one, as if it were so unusual!
No one seems to realize that it is actual surgery. Here I am again, focusing on external validation. Why do I care what other people think? I rarely ask for support from people, and when I need it, I never feel like I get it. Obviously it is something I am doing that makes me feel disappointed, but what?
I have lost friends. Both virtual and local. I have lost friends before due to this whole infertility thing. But I didn't expect that this time. As far as my virtual friends are concerned, it is my own fault, I went away and I disappeared. But as far as my local friend is concerned, I have no idea what happened. Nor do I feel like speculating. It doesn't matter, but it does.
This fertility process makes me feel alone. The physical pain is real, but I don't get sympathy for it. The emotional pain is worse, and now that I have a child I don't get any sympathy either. I am trying not to be afraid, not to fear the failure. But it is hard. Although it feels greedy, I want another child. Other people can have them, so why can't I? I read once that people with secondary infertility are just as depressed as people who have not had any children. For me, the desperation is not at all the same, but my idea of a family always consisted of more than one child, and I would be unhappy if I could not conceive a second, but not as unhappy if I couldn't have any. People (those I choose to tell) keep saying to me that if it doesn't work then it's ok because I have Anise. Yet no one questions women who have no trouble conceiving who choose to have more than one, as if it were so unusual!
No one seems to realize that it is actual surgery. Here I am again, focusing on external validation. Why do I care what other people think? I rarely ask for support from people, and when I need it, I never feel like I get it. Obviously it is something I am doing that makes me feel disappointed, but what?
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
9 Lives
So we have 9 embryos. Nine little potential beings. We find out the results of the PGD on Friday, they day of the transfer. We may get none, we may get a few. Last time we had 10 embryos, only 2 were normal. But I am not going to speculate on the odds because there is no point in either worrying or getting excited.
Yesterday was painful. It hurt much more than last time, and I had to get more medication than usual. I was nauseous and dizzy afterwards and I threw up when I got home. Then I felt better.
When I tell people I am in treatment they sometimes react by saying "that is so exciting". I try, but I can't see it that way. Surgery is rarely exciting, and having sex to make a baby seems much more exciting to me. It is really strange, because I am not sick, but I have to take drugs that make me feel bad, and then have surgery and medication, just for the remote possibility of becoming pregnant.
The whole thing is surreal, and I am numb. I guess that is a good way to handle it. I am too distracted with Anise to really think about something else. It also helps that I am not in a rush. With Anise it was different, we were desperate. I am no longer desperate, it would be nice if it worked and it would suck if I had to go through this again because physically it sucks. Plus resting is not really an option. But other than that if I got pregnant later that would be ok too.
It has been strange this feeling of being disconnected. I am aware that my posts are boring, and I can feel that I am boring to talk to these days. I have been rereading some of my old posts, back when I had things to say. Where did I get all that energy from? These days my brain is quieter; something I have been trying to achieve for a long time. We have a nice routine going, and I am busy all day playing, feeding, smiling, going to activities. I literally have no time to think and that is a good thing. But it makes me a bore. Or I worry that I am escaping myself, hiding form emotions I don't want to confront? Ok, that was way too much thinking for me, time to go to sleep...
Yesterday was painful. It hurt much more than last time, and I had to get more medication than usual. I was nauseous and dizzy afterwards and I threw up when I got home. Then I felt better.
When I tell people I am in treatment they sometimes react by saying "that is so exciting". I try, but I can't see it that way. Surgery is rarely exciting, and having sex to make a baby seems much more exciting to me. It is really strange, because I am not sick, but I have to take drugs that make me feel bad, and then have surgery and medication, just for the remote possibility of becoming pregnant.
The whole thing is surreal, and I am numb. I guess that is a good way to handle it. I am too distracted with Anise to really think about something else. It also helps that I am not in a rush. With Anise it was different, we were desperate. I am no longer desperate, it would be nice if it worked and it would suck if I had to go through this again because physically it sucks. Plus resting is not really an option. But other than that if I got pregnant later that would be ok too.
It has been strange this feeling of being disconnected. I am aware that my posts are boring, and I can feel that I am boring to talk to these days. I have been rereading some of my old posts, back when I had things to say. Where did I get all that energy from? These days my brain is quieter; something I have been trying to achieve for a long time. We have a nice routine going, and I am busy all day playing, feeding, smiling, going to activities. I literally have no time to think and that is a good thing. But it makes me a bore. Or I worry that I am escaping myself, hiding form emotions I don't want to confront? Ok, that was way too much thinking for me, time to go to sleep...
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
The Body Snatchers
Everyone around me is running. My sister, my potential brother-in-law, even my parents started running. My blog friend on Cheerio Road has been too. I want to run but I have a million excuses and they are all good. The only times of the day that I am not without my sidekick is the occasional afternoon (too hot) and after babe's bedtime (too tired). And I really am tired and everything hurts and I need new shoes. Maybe if I buy myself new shoes I will be inspired. It is so hard to run when you are heavy, or feel heavy. Each time my foot hits the pavement it sends jolts up to my shoulders. I am fat, and sluggish. Maybe if I only do 20 min every day? That sounds feasible, just 20 min no more no less, at 8 pm, not too early, not too late. Or maybe I should start a run/walk programme. that seems to get people going. But all of this is too much work, too much chatter in my head. Too much indecisiveness, no commitments. And that is how I feel right now. All over the place, not knowing what will be in a week or two. And nothing matters. There is nothing to do but the day to day , but it is summer! I hate routine in the summer. I want my husband home, i want vacations, I want the beach and the ocean, and I want lakes and the country. I want bbq's and campfires. I don't want the daily grind. I am just not satisfied right now, and my body is not my own. I am being pumped with hormones and it has been making me impatient. With myself and with Anise and I don't like it.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Ultra
Haircut got postponed. I hate when that happens. Now I have dirty hair. And it was hot again today.
Tomorrow we go for an ultrasound (and I am such an idiot that I think I may have forgotten to book it, but my husband reassured me that because we paid 10 700$ they will probably squeeze us in) to make sure there are no cysts and we can go ahead with the follicle stimulating drug. I should be concerned about it, but all I can think of is whether Anise will be ok without me tomorrow. My mom will come be with her in the morning, and I have a babysitter coming in the afternoon. I have hired these college students to be with Anise four afternoons a week. Since she only naps in stroller (don't worry, I am not getting into it) I needed the break, then got addicted and dependent on the break! Anise is good with them, but has a limit of about 2 and a half hours, then she gets ancy. Tomorrow will be worse since I will have been gone all morning too. Sometimes I feel I stress her out for no good reason. I am going to meet with a colleague/friend of mine, I haven't had a chance to talk to him in ages and I am looking forward to it. So yes I need to recharge my batteries to be a better mom blah blah blah, but I still get anxious sometimes about leaving her. Is that me being crazy, or am I reacting to a reality which is she isn't entirely happy being left yet?
I have been thinking a lot about Anise's birth lately, and how can a child feel confident that their mother is coming back when their first experience out of the womb was being ripped away from their mother for 2 hours? Just when she needed me most. I want to sue the hospital for having put us through that. The repercussions are so much greater than they realize. I will never get that back, and neither will Anise, but I fantasize about going back in time and insisting that we not be separated. Maybe if I had signed consents? I am sad and angry about my birth experience, when will that heal? And until it does, why would another person want to come to me?
Tomorrow we go for an ultrasound (and I am such an idiot that I think I may have forgotten to book it, but my husband reassured me that because we paid 10 700$ they will probably squeeze us in) to make sure there are no cysts and we can go ahead with the follicle stimulating drug. I should be concerned about it, but all I can think of is whether Anise will be ok without me tomorrow. My mom will come be with her in the morning, and I have a babysitter coming in the afternoon. I have hired these college students to be with Anise four afternoons a week. Since she only naps in stroller (don't worry, I am not getting into it) I needed the break, then got addicted and dependent on the break! Anise is good with them, but has a limit of about 2 and a half hours, then she gets ancy. Tomorrow will be worse since I will have been gone all morning too. Sometimes I feel I stress her out for no good reason. I am going to meet with a colleague/friend of mine, I haven't had a chance to talk to him in ages and I am looking forward to it. So yes I need to recharge my batteries to be a better mom blah blah blah, but I still get anxious sometimes about leaving her. Is that me being crazy, or am I reacting to a reality which is she isn't entirely happy being left yet?
I have been thinking a lot about Anise's birth lately, and how can a child feel confident that their mother is coming back when their first experience out of the womb was being ripped away from their mother for 2 hours? Just when she needed me most. I want to sue the hospital for having put us through that. The repercussions are so much greater than they realize. I will never get that back, and neither will Anise, but I fantasize about going back in time and insisting that we not be separated. Maybe if I had signed consents? I am sad and angry about my birth experience, when will that heal? And until it does, why would another person want to come to me?
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Idling
I am singlehandedly contributing to destroying the earth. It is 40 degrees with the humidex and I am sitting in a running car with the AC on. Anise is napping, there was literally no other way today. I am sorry environment, I just may buy carbon credit for this.
After not having touched my flute in between concerts for many many months, I have been having an urge to play again. I don't have any concerts coming up until the fall, and none are my own. It feels great to be stress free (free of work stress that is) and Anise has been so happy lately. Performing is such an intense stress for me. It has great highs that accompany it, but it is like no other pressure. I think I am bad at hiding it and I certainly pass a lot of the stress along. I wonder if I will constantly be weighing the pros and cons of working until one day I will wake up and my kids will be gone and all I have is work. I will then look back and say how silly it was that I was preoccupied with so much questioning, instead of just taking 5 years to raise kids and then slowly, when the time is right, get back into things. Instead I ruminate over the same questions again and again, all the while not really having as much control as I think I do.
I live in a neighborhood with a lot Hassidic Jews with huge families of 15 children. The women start young, probably at 18 and spend the majority of their adult life pregnant or with an infant. I think of myself and my complaints about how hard motherhood is with just one, and I wonder what it feels like to have 13. They have no room for contemplating choices because their choices are limited, and that must be freeing in a way. But I can make that choice too if i wish, to just raise kids (or kid) and do nothing else. I know that choice would not fulfill me, or make me happy, but it looks easy from the outside. Yet if I made that choice my day today would be exactly the same! The tantrums would still erupt, food would still have to be cooked, house still cleaned. So what seems easy and free about that other lifestyle? Something having to do with order and expectations? I don't know, but they don't look that tired.
After not having touched my flute in between concerts for many many months, I have been having an urge to play again. I don't have any concerts coming up until the fall, and none are my own. It feels great to be stress free (free of work stress that is) and Anise has been so happy lately. Performing is such an intense stress for me. It has great highs that accompany it, but it is like no other pressure. I think I am bad at hiding it and I certainly pass a lot of the stress along. I wonder if I will constantly be weighing the pros and cons of working until one day I will wake up and my kids will be gone and all I have is work. I will then look back and say how silly it was that I was preoccupied with so much questioning, instead of just taking 5 years to raise kids and then slowly, when the time is right, get back into things. Instead I ruminate over the same questions again and again, all the while not really having as much control as I think I do.
I live in a neighborhood with a lot Hassidic Jews with huge families of 15 children. The women start young, probably at 18 and spend the majority of their adult life pregnant or with an infant. I think of myself and my complaints about how hard motherhood is with just one, and I wonder what it feels like to have 13. They have no room for contemplating choices because their choices are limited, and that must be freeing in a way. But I can make that choice too if i wish, to just raise kids (or kid) and do nothing else. I know that choice would not fulfill me, or make me happy, but it looks easy from the outside. Yet if I made that choice my day today would be exactly the same! The tantrums would still erupt, food would still have to be cooked, house still cleaned. So what seems easy and free about that other lifestyle? Something having to do with order and expectations? I don't know, but they don't look that tired.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Round Two
It's weird, in some ways I don't have much to say. Maybe it is the heat. Maybe it is Anise's age, she is 19 months and there is no time for critical thinking. My head is pounding and the fatigue is insurmountable.
We are going through fertility treatments again. The timing isn't perfect, but we don't have the luxury of getting it all right. The opportunity came up to start earlier so we took it. With such high chances of failure it is better to get a head start. I am still nursing. Ideally I would have loved to have weaned, and lost 20 pounds, but here we are. I am being injected nightly, with 2 weeks to go until the collection day.
At first, starting treatment conjured up all these painful memories that I thought I had forgotten but were stored in my body. Now I am numb. I am not thinking too hard, which is a good thing, but I also have this strong feeling that because I haven't been thinking about it, it won't work. It is more of a superstition I guess. I haven't had time to call the little soul to us. And part of me feels that I am really not ready physically- too tired, and because of that it won't work either. I am terrified of having to go through this again. The hormones suck.
I don't know why I have been so tired. Anise sleeps through the night. She wakes up early (mostly 5am) but a lot of people wake up at 5am on purpose. I guess I am just a tired person. Strange how fatigue has never been a legitimate complaint for me, it has always been associated with laziness, as if it weren't real, an excuse for not doing things. But now I do everything, but I crash at 9pm, or do things with a heaviness that astounds me. I keep hoping it will go away.
We are going through fertility treatments again. The timing isn't perfect, but we don't have the luxury of getting it all right. The opportunity came up to start earlier so we took it. With such high chances of failure it is better to get a head start. I am still nursing. Ideally I would have loved to have weaned, and lost 20 pounds, but here we are. I am being injected nightly, with 2 weeks to go until the collection day.
At first, starting treatment conjured up all these painful memories that I thought I had forgotten but were stored in my body. Now I am numb. I am not thinking too hard, which is a good thing, but I also have this strong feeling that because I haven't been thinking about it, it won't work. It is more of a superstition I guess. I haven't had time to call the little soul to us. And part of me feels that I am really not ready physically- too tired, and because of that it won't work either. I am terrified of having to go through this again. The hormones suck.
I don't know why I have been so tired. Anise sleeps through the night. She wakes up early (mostly 5am) but a lot of people wake up at 5am on purpose. I guess I am just a tired person. Strange how fatigue has never been a legitimate complaint for me, it has always been associated with laziness, as if it weren't real, an excuse for not doing things. But now I do everything, but I crash at 9pm, or do things with a heaviness that astounds me. I keep hoping it will go away.
Friday, July 4, 2008
For Real
I went to visit a colleague today who's husband is a famous baroque music scholar. In the 1960's he was responsible for the revival of the baroque oboe, and he has written a couple of books. We are privileged here in Montreal to have him around. Every time I visit him he tells me fascinating things and is actually interested in talking to me. Today I went to see him with Anise, and he was talking to me about his new thoughts and his new subject of interest (an Indian musician's opinion that there is a difference between improvisation and composition, a comment with which he disagrees). Meanwhile I was thinking how strange it is to be in a time and space where I no longer have time to think. I hardly ever think, and if i do it is about Anise. Sometimes about felting a sheep, but that is unusual. Then Anise put her hands on either side of my face and gave me multiple kisses on the lips and I thought, this is the best thing in the whole world.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Back?
Should I write again? Will anyone know I am here? (they might if they have that google reader thing).
I still think in blog form, therefore I should keep writing.
I'll give it a try.
There, it wasn't that hard!!
I still think in blog form, therefore I should keep writing.
I'll give it a try.
There, it wasn't that hard!!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
PMS
I am annoyed that I haven't been able to blog more, and I am worried that I am going to lose my blogger friends.
I have been in rehearsals this week, I have a gig with orchestra this week. A lot of rehearsal, and 4 concerts. It hasn't been too bad, but I find it hard to leave in the morning. Anise gets upset when I leave, and even though I know she is fine the second I am out of sight, leaving to the sound of screaming is not a light happy way to go to work.
The rehearsals have been fine, but the leave me physically exhausted, and have me conflicted about work. It is something I have been thinking a lot about anyway recently. I have been thinking of quitting completely, then I get a gig and am reminded that I do love to play. Then I come home and Anise is clingy, doesn't go to sleep as happily, I am irritable because I am tired, and I am reminded that this type of irregular and intense work is too hard for us right now. I could go on and on, but this is so boring.
I have my period and everything hurts me. I think this month I had record pms, I had it all, insomnia, night sweats, headaches, and zits to top it off! Only because I am showing my face in public for the first time in a while...
It is 8pm, Husband is out for a much needed friend outing and I am in bed with my computer, I should do this more often.
Off to watch a movie!!
I have been in rehearsals this week, I have a gig with orchestra this week. A lot of rehearsal, and 4 concerts. It hasn't been too bad, but I find it hard to leave in the morning. Anise gets upset when I leave, and even though I know she is fine the second I am out of sight, leaving to the sound of screaming is not a light happy way to go to work.
The rehearsals have been fine, but the leave me physically exhausted, and have me conflicted about work. It is something I have been thinking a lot about anyway recently. I have been thinking of quitting completely, then I get a gig and am reminded that I do love to play. Then I come home and Anise is clingy, doesn't go to sleep as happily, I am irritable because I am tired, and I am reminded that this type of irregular and intense work is too hard for us right now. I could go on and on, but this is so boring.
I have my period and everything hurts me. I think this month I had record pms, I had it all, insomnia, night sweats, headaches, and zits to top it off! Only because I am showing my face in public for the first time in a while...
It is 8pm, Husband is out for a much needed friend outing and I am in bed with my computer, I should do this more often.
Off to watch a movie!!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Renew
Time, or having time, is all warped these days. I have time to spend one hour going for a walk, and only getting as far as our block. I have time to admire every pebble, every step, every flower, every house. But no time to talk on the phone, or write an email. Isn't that great? I think it is, except when I have to write an email, or feel like posting a blog entry. I have written so many in my head, but I guess that is where they will stay.
I went to a funeral on Thursday, my great-aunt's husband. It wasn't a close relation, and he had been sick for a while, so it wasn't upsetting for me. But as the Cantor was singing and the Rabbi talking, I was thinking about my relationship with judaism. The comfort or the discomfort I feel when at a Jewish religious service. Hearing a cantor reminds me of my childhood, and I was thinking about how I wish that it wouldn't feel foreign for Anise. But I know I would never send her to a Jewish school, and I don't think I would be comfortable bringing her to synagogue, so how would she ever be exposed to that? I could take her to synagogue on high holidays, but how would I do that without the hypocrisy?
The Rabbi spoke about my great uncle, and of the fact that he was a holocaust survivor. He survived Auschwitz. And that became his identity. And they are dying. The last of the survivors, we are starting fresh, without that as a constant theme. Will some of the sadness also dissipate? What will Judaism feel like without those people? I grew up with the stories, and the music the songs, and the heaviness of the holocaust. Anise won't, and in some ways that is a good thing. Will she feel comfort when she goes to s Jewish service? Or will it feel foreign? How will I teach her all those beautiful songs? I have long forgotten the words.
I went to a funeral on Thursday, my great-aunt's husband. It wasn't a close relation, and he had been sick for a while, so it wasn't upsetting for me. But as the Cantor was singing and the Rabbi talking, I was thinking about my relationship with judaism. The comfort or the discomfort I feel when at a Jewish religious service. Hearing a cantor reminds me of my childhood, and I was thinking about how I wish that it wouldn't feel foreign for Anise. But I know I would never send her to a Jewish school, and I don't think I would be comfortable bringing her to synagogue, so how would she ever be exposed to that? I could take her to synagogue on high holidays, but how would I do that without the hypocrisy?
The Rabbi spoke about my great uncle, and of the fact that he was a holocaust survivor. He survived Auschwitz. And that became his identity. And they are dying. The last of the survivors, we are starting fresh, without that as a constant theme. Will some of the sadness also dissipate? What will Judaism feel like without those people? I grew up with the stories, and the music the songs, and the heaviness of the holocaust. Anise won't, and in some ways that is a good thing. Will she feel comfort when she goes to s Jewish service? Or will it feel foreign? How will I teach her all those beautiful songs? I have long forgotten the words.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Quiet
Shhhhh. I am hiding upstairs. Anise is downstairs with the babysitter and she doesn't know that I am here. I feel so guilty, as if I am spying on her and lying to her. She is remarkably quiet, especially considering she woke up from a nap. She is never like that with me!!! I don't hear one single whine. What do I do wrong?
Today I was supposed to stay home to get stuff done. I got nothing done. Oh well...at least I wrote this.
Today I was supposed to stay home to get stuff done. I got nothing done. Oh well...at least I wrote this.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Spring
The days are getting longer, the weather nicer, and sleep is leaving us. No longer easy bedtime, no longer full nights without waking up, and naps are - forget it.
We are tired! Not any tired, but a great big tired. We need a week, no make that two, to really catch up. But we never will.
Husband thinks I should go away for a night. A whole night! Wouldn't that be amazing! No computer, just books. And me by myself in a hotel room, free to sleep as much as I want! It sounds like heaven and I think I just might do it.
It is spring (well almost, if you ignore the fact that it snowed all weekend) and that makes me want to clean. Since I can't clean because I wouldn't even know where to begin, I find myself longing for a new house instead. And if I can't have a new house, then maybe I would like to add a story to our house. Or maybe I should get new hair. A new hairstyle, but I want it long again and that requires patience. Which I don't have. If I did it would be easier to lose weight. That brings me to my next problem, losing weight. Which sucks. The stupid gym takes up all my time, plus I hate it, plus it weighs on me. But it is time to lose all this weight and hopefully all my other shit will melt away as well.
Yay spring.
We are tired! Not any tired, but a great big tired. We need a week, no make that two, to really catch up. But we never will.
Husband thinks I should go away for a night. A whole night! Wouldn't that be amazing! No computer, just books. And me by myself in a hotel room, free to sleep as much as I want! It sounds like heaven and I think I just might do it.
It is spring (well almost, if you ignore the fact that it snowed all weekend) and that makes me want to clean. Since I can't clean because I wouldn't even know where to begin, I find myself longing for a new house instead. And if I can't have a new house, then maybe I would like to add a story to our house. Or maybe I should get new hair. A new hairstyle, but I want it long again and that requires patience. Which I don't have. If I did it would be easier to lose weight. That brings me to my next problem, losing weight. Which sucks. The stupid gym takes up all my time, plus I hate it, plus it weighs on me. But it is time to lose all this weight and hopefully all my other shit will melt away as well.
Yay spring.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Transition
I belong to a mom's group, we meet every Tuesday evening for 2 hours. It is a "Waldorf inspired mom's group" led by a kooky woman who was a Waldorf instructor, is inspired by Magda Gerber, and is a midwife for baby clowns (see what I mean when I say kooky). But this group is great, full of six bright, passionate, dogmatic, strong, intelligent, articulate woman, all coming from different places with different stories. We all have kids similar in age. The goal of this group is to nurture moms. I love that concept. We belong to so many child centric groups, it is refreshing and inspiring to be focused on mothers.
We begin each meeting with a check-in. We all say where we are, what we have been thinking lately. No one answers we just all listen and then breathe. Last night I realized where I was, and where Anise is: we are in transition. A good transition. Anise is walking now, and besides being the cutest thing on earth, it is incredible watching how proud she is of herself, and how she is just opening up and enjoying her new skill, and new independence. I have so many questions about child rearing, about activities, about how to be. I finally have a place where those can be answered.
I am learning so much. I have been reading a bit, but taking things slow (having learned from my past experiences with trying to follow a method when it comes to children). I have not formed an opinion about Waldorf education, because I am learning about it in bits. I don't feel like reading Steiner right now, nor do I want to read about Anthroposophy. But I love the mood, the energy and the spirituality of this group. And I love the wisdom this woman imparts. People have been putting books into circulation, and last night I put my copy of Momma Zen into the pile. Interestingly enough the topic of guilt came up for the first time. I feel guilt is such a strong prevalent negative force among educated moms I was surprised it had never came up before. How relevant then, was Momma Zen. The answer we all gave (independently) for dealing with guilt was being present (and that is what Momma Zen is all about).
I have been thinking about approaches, and my approach with Anise. I have been changing mine a little bit. But now I am able to step back and know that there is no answer and no right way of doing things, and I am proud of myself for remembering that.
We begin each meeting with a check-in. We all say where we are, what we have been thinking lately. No one answers we just all listen and then breathe. Last night I realized where I was, and where Anise is: we are in transition. A good transition. Anise is walking now, and besides being the cutest thing on earth, it is incredible watching how proud she is of herself, and how she is just opening up and enjoying her new skill, and new independence. I have so many questions about child rearing, about activities, about how to be. I finally have a place where those can be answered.
I am learning so much. I have been reading a bit, but taking things slow (having learned from my past experiences with trying to follow a method when it comes to children). I have not formed an opinion about Waldorf education, because I am learning about it in bits. I don't feel like reading Steiner right now, nor do I want to read about Anthroposophy. But I love the mood, the energy and the spirituality of this group. And I love the wisdom this woman imparts. People have been putting books into circulation, and last night I put my copy of Momma Zen into the pile. Interestingly enough the topic of guilt came up for the first time. I feel guilt is such a strong prevalent negative force among educated moms I was surprised it had never came up before. How relevant then, was Momma Zen. The answer we all gave (independently) for dealing with guilt was being present (and that is what Momma Zen is all about).
I have been thinking about approaches, and my approach with Anise. I have been changing mine a little bit. But now I am able to step back and know that there is no answer and no right way of doing things, and I am proud of myself for remembering that.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Transfer
Today I had had it. I reached my limit. The day was screwed up, I was screwed up. Feeling guilty, angry, frustrated. I drove Husband absolutely crazy. I am trying to be strict with routine, but trying to include some activity. How do we have a routine when every day is different?
By this morning we had managed to totally screw up Anise's nap. She fell asleep in the car, (at the wrong time) and then we tried the good old fashioned transfer from car to crib. Nobody believes me when I say it doesn't work, so I thought why not try (again) so that I am not making false assumptions. Of course it didn't work, so we rushed her out in the stroller, but by then she was up and no sleep was coming. So we rushed home, her lunch was late, and I was pissed.
At that point I realized that I had no physical way of putting her to sleep for a nap anymore. Stroller was no longer working, rocking, nursing, car, singing, crib, cuddling, dancing, tv. Nothing.
So I lay down with Anise on my bed and I told her to go to sleep. And she did. She knows.
I am hoping this is a turning point.
And I can breathe a sigh of relief. I am mad at myself for all the emotional energy spent on this issue of sleep. But I can't get out of it. I don't know how.
By this morning we had managed to totally screw up Anise's nap. She fell asleep in the car, (at the wrong time) and then we tried the good old fashioned transfer from car to crib. Nobody believes me when I say it doesn't work, so I thought why not try (again) so that I am not making false assumptions. Of course it didn't work, so we rushed her out in the stroller, but by then she was up and no sleep was coming. So we rushed home, her lunch was late, and I was pissed.
At that point I realized that I had no physical way of putting her to sleep for a nap anymore. Stroller was no longer working, rocking, nursing, car, singing, crib, cuddling, dancing, tv. Nothing.
So I lay down with Anise on my bed and I told her to go to sleep. And she did. She knows.
I am hoping this is a turning point.
And I can breathe a sigh of relief. I am mad at myself for all the emotional energy spent on this issue of sleep. But I can't get out of it. I don't know how.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Minimizing the Expectation Gap
The first time I threw a dart it was 15 years ago, at a dart board I had bought my husband (then boyfriend) for his birthday. It was a professional board made of bristles. We set up the board, measured the proper distance and I picked my dart. I threw it with a graceless movement of my arm, and the dart slowly wobbled on its way to the dart board in a straight line, not even elegant enough to make an arc. It landed right in the middle. Bull's-eye. The next fifteen thousand times I never even hit the board. Beginner's luck.
The other day we bought a potty. I had read somewhere that it is a good idea to leave a potty around to play with, so that the child becomes familiar with the object and will one day go in it. I am in no rush. Anise is 16 months old, and there is plenty of time to work on potty training, plus it would be easier in warmer weather. I showed Anise her new toy, she was very excited. I told if she wanted to, she could poo in the potty. She had also made a huge mess eating dinner, so I removed her clothes, and while I was at it removed her diaper too. I realized we never let her roam naked (because it always feels cold) and that might be something she would like to do. She played with her potty, and then pooed in her potty. I am trying to be careful not to push her to go again. Knowing me I will ruin the whole thing by pushing too hard, so I am going to forget about it, even though it is tempting to leave her naked all day and do only that!
I don't believe in beginner's luck. I think it is something else. Perhaps maybe having no expectations frees the mind. Or maybe it is something more, something deeper than that. Impulses from beyond. A couple of times we have had enormous sleep success after giving Anise a homeopathic remedy for sleep, but it would only last once. One night, or one nap, or one day. It has happened too often to be a coincidence. Not often enough to really think the homeopathy worked. Plus that would be the opposite - after giving a remedy I have expectations!
You know how they say practice makes perfect? Well for most of my life it has been the opposite. The more I try or "do" the worse things got. I know it is the same for Anise's nap. I learned to undo with flute, can I undo my anxiety?
I used to take gymnastics as a kid, and I could always do it the first time, then never again. Maybe it is thinking too hard, trying too hard, wanting too much. It was even like that for concepts for me. I would understand the physics equation the first time it was explained to us, then the more the teacher explained, the more I would lose it. I understood everything in school so quickly, but as the teacher went on my brain said "if this requires this much explanation then I must have misunderstood - it must be much harder and more complicated than I originally thought". So I would disconnect.
Like potty training.
You know how they say practice makes perfect? Well for most of my life it has been the opposite. The more I try or "do" the worse things got. I know it is the same for Anise's nap. I learned to undo with flute, can I undo my anxiety?
I used to take gymnastics as a kid, and I could always do it the first time, then never again. Maybe it is thinking too hard, trying too hard, wanting too much. It was even like that for concepts for me. I would understand the physics equation the first time it was explained to us, then the more the teacher explained, the more I would lose it. I understood everything in school so quickly, but as the teacher went on my brain said "if this requires this much explanation then I must have misunderstood - it must be much harder and more complicated than I originally thought". So I would disconnect.
Like potty training.
No Naps (Again)
I know, I know I have written extensively on the sleep problems we have been having. I stopped writing about that for a while, partially because things got better, and partially because it is really boring to read! But while nights are good (knock wood) and I am extremely grateful, naps are not going so well. We had reverted back to stroller naps, because I was desperate for Anise to get enough sleep. But I don't find that to be a good solution, partially because with the winter we are having it is just too difficult, I need the break in the day to get stuff done, and I think it is time for Anise to have positive sleep associations with her own bed. I was given advice from someone I trust, who helped me get to the point of no more nonsense, Anise must now nap in her bed. Her technique was a "cry-it-out" but going in every 20 minutes. She promised 3 days. But since I had already been having unsuccessful cry-it-out sessions with Anise, going in every 20 minutes really didn't work. My limit for letting her cry for a nap is 1 hour and a half, and maybe that is my problem. She doesn't end up falling asleep by the end of that! She can just keep going. The more she cries in her crib, the more she will hate going in there. After the first couple of days we had made tins of progress, Anise went down for a nap with no tears, although she only stayed asleep for 40 min (which for a 16 month old who woke up at 5am, is not enough). I figured eventually length would come. I was wrong. The past couple of days there was a lot of crying and no sleeping. At this point I am totally freaking out, because she is not getting enough sleep, and I am worried that will impede her cognitive development. But now every time I out her in her stroller, I am reinforcing the problem. She would take 2 naps and one would be almost 2 hours if I kept rolling, compared with one 40 minute nap at home...I am really stressing out and honestly do not know what to do. I have literally tried everything.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Will
How much longer will naps be a fight? How can a little person fight exhaustion so hard? I know I can't.
I have been thinking about will. I have been thinking about doctrines (I know I have written about that before). I have been thinking about life plans. I have been thinking about birth.
It is ok to recognize that somehow there is a failure within the medical system. But how to make peace with the fact that it is also a system which helps more than hinders?
This was my plan: conceive under the stars, with my beloved, during the best most spiritual lovemaking. Give birth at home, away from bright lights, umbilical cord pumping after birth. Live in a home full of wooden things, with no television to be seen. That last sentence is half joke, but is significant and representative of what I have been thinking about lately.
This was Anise's plan: come to us in a petri dish. Lift up her head during her birth to see the light, only to be rescued by doctors who need bright lights to do their work. Play with all sorts of toys (and play she does - yesterday morning for 1 hour by herself in her crib!) plastic, wood, silent and noisy. Watch, sing, dance and laugh to the television. No, make that Sesame Street only, nothing else is allowed to be on.
Anise knows exactly what she wants, and always has known. I respect that, and as long as it is possible, I can give her what she wants. And I can let go of doctrines, of things I once thought were "right".
I was speaking with someone who had the perfect homebirth, and who rejects medical care as much as she can. I can understand her, because in some ways I agree with her. But it is very easy to be anti medical help when you don't need it, and she is under a false impression that it is in her control. What if her child had decided to lift up her head?
Then why am I jealous when people say they don't own a tv, as if it were something they can accomplish but I can't. I like tv! But I wish I didn't!! Why can't I just like me???
I have been thinking about will. I have been thinking about doctrines (I know I have written about that before). I have been thinking about life plans. I have been thinking about birth.
It is ok to recognize that somehow there is a failure within the medical system. But how to make peace with the fact that it is also a system which helps more than hinders?
This was my plan: conceive under the stars, with my beloved, during the best most spiritual lovemaking. Give birth at home, away from bright lights, umbilical cord pumping after birth. Live in a home full of wooden things, with no television to be seen. That last sentence is half joke, but is significant and representative of what I have been thinking about lately.
This was Anise's plan: come to us in a petri dish. Lift up her head during her birth to see the light, only to be rescued by doctors who need bright lights to do their work. Play with all sorts of toys (and play she does - yesterday morning for 1 hour by herself in her crib!) plastic, wood, silent and noisy. Watch, sing, dance and laugh to the television. No, make that Sesame Street only, nothing else is allowed to be on.
Anise knows exactly what she wants, and always has known. I respect that, and as long as it is possible, I can give her what she wants. And I can let go of doctrines, of things I once thought were "right".
I was speaking with someone who had the perfect homebirth, and who rejects medical care as much as she can. I can understand her, because in some ways I agree with her. But it is very easy to be anti medical help when you don't need it, and she is under a false impression that it is in her control. What if her child had decided to lift up her head?
Then why am I jealous when people say they don't own a tv, as if it were something they can accomplish but I can't. I like tv! But I wish I didn't!! Why can't I just like me???
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