Why is everything hard for me? I am not the onlt person on earth to have a toddler, other people manage. They look great, cook dinner, and even clean their house! Why am I so hopeless? Why am I so tired? This debilitating fatigue that is here, that makes things so difficult, will it ever go away? Is it something I am not eating? Is it because I am not exercising? Is there something wrong with me? Is it because I am over my ideal weight? Am I doing something wrong? Is it all in my head? Anise wakes up so early, this morning 5am, and by 4pm carrying her upstairs is literally hell. Fatigue has all sorts of side effects: depression, mistakes, panics, and wrinkles, to name a few.
I gave up my diet. After my failed fertility treatment I had this strange surge of energy. It was the contrast between the normal me and the hormone laden me, and I felt great. I had the energy it took to diet (because it takes a hell of a lot of energy) and I did it for 1 week. How pathetic! Then I got sick - a really bad cold. I have not been sick in over a year, I think dieting weakened my immune system. Then Anise got sick, then Husband got sick, then we were away - there was no way! And now we moved, are not living at home, and my treatment starts tonight (back on birth control pills) collection is a little over a month away. Not the time to be dieting - right? Right! Then why do I feel like such a loser?
I lost it the other night. I was so calm before we moved, and excited, denying that any of this was stressful. Then I got so tired that I couldn't sleep, and I cried. Knowing I can't catch upon sleep, nor can I stop to lie down during the day, at night feels like a version of hell. The perpetualness of it is what is horrible. So I finally cried, and I felt the grief and pain that is in my body - the longing for, and loss of a child again. It hurts. I can deny it, and then it hurts again. I am good at burying it - I have to , but it comes back to haunt me sometimes.
This time I am ready. I want a baby (it is impossible to be more tired, right?). Last time, I wasn't. I did not feel ready, maybe that is why it didn't work. So here I go again, on the roller coaster of why's and maybes, and hopes and fantasies. Oh well. It is my choice. And my house is going to be great.
Showing posts with label fertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fertility. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
9 Lives
So we have 9 embryos. Nine little potential beings. We find out the results of the PGD on Friday, they day of the transfer. We may get none, we may get a few. Last time we had 10 embryos, only 2 were normal. But I am not going to speculate on the odds because there is no point in either worrying or getting excited.
Yesterday was painful. It hurt much more than last time, and I had to get more medication than usual. I was nauseous and dizzy afterwards and I threw up when I got home. Then I felt better.
When I tell people I am in treatment they sometimes react by saying "that is so exciting". I try, but I can't see it that way. Surgery is rarely exciting, and having sex to make a baby seems much more exciting to me. It is really strange, because I am not sick, but I have to take drugs that make me feel bad, and then have surgery and medication, just for the remote possibility of becoming pregnant.
The whole thing is surreal, and I am numb. I guess that is a good way to handle it. I am too distracted with Anise to really think about something else. It also helps that I am not in a rush. With Anise it was different, we were desperate. I am no longer desperate, it would be nice if it worked and it would suck if I had to go through this again because physically it sucks. Plus resting is not really an option. But other than that if I got pregnant later that would be ok too.
It has been strange this feeling of being disconnected. I am aware that my posts are boring, and I can feel that I am boring to talk to these days. I have been rereading some of my old posts, back when I had things to say. Where did I get all that energy from? These days my brain is quieter; something I have been trying to achieve for a long time. We have a nice routine going, and I am busy all day playing, feeding, smiling, going to activities. I literally have no time to think and that is a good thing. But it makes me a bore. Or I worry that I am escaping myself, hiding form emotions I don't want to confront? Ok, that was way too much thinking for me, time to go to sleep...
Yesterday was painful. It hurt much more than last time, and I had to get more medication than usual. I was nauseous and dizzy afterwards and I threw up when I got home. Then I felt better.
When I tell people I am in treatment they sometimes react by saying "that is so exciting". I try, but I can't see it that way. Surgery is rarely exciting, and having sex to make a baby seems much more exciting to me. It is really strange, because I am not sick, but I have to take drugs that make me feel bad, and then have surgery and medication, just for the remote possibility of becoming pregnant.
The whole thing is surreal, and I am numb. I guess that is a good way to handle it. I am too distracted with Anise to really think about something else. It also helps that I am not in a rush. With Anise it was different, we were desperate. I am no longer desperate, it would be nice if it worked and it would suck if I had to go through this again because physically it sucks. Plus resting is not really an option. But other than that if I got pregnant later that would be ok too.
It has been strange this feeling of being disconnected. I am aware that my posts are boring, and I can feel that I am boring to talk to these days. I have been rereading some of my old posts, back when I had things to say. Where did I get all that energy from? These days my brain is quieter; something I have been trying to achieve for a long time. We have a nice routine going, and I am busy all day playing, feeding, smiling, going to activities. I literally have no time to think and that is a good thing. But it makes me a bore. Or I worry that I am escaping myself, hiding form emotions I don't want to confront? Ok, that was way too much thinking for me, time to go to sleep...
Sunday, July 20, 2008
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