Perfect

This is what I would be like like if I were perfect by my standards. This is a run through of how my perfect day would go:

I would wake up in the morning before anyone else in the house were awake and I would go for a run. I would get home and I would make myself an organic vegetable smoothie with multivitamin supplements. Then I would prepare Anise a wholegrain organic breakfast (which she would eat). Anise would then play by herself (with only handmade wooden toys) while I would get in a couple of loads of laundry, actually folding some of it. Then I would drop Anise into her crib and she would fall asleep. During her nap I would clean the rest of the house (using only green cleaning products) oh, and I would compost her breakfast. I would practice, catch up on some reading, and contact concert organizers, producers, and recording companies. Then Anise would wake up and I would feed her a homemade organic, wholegrain, vegetarian - no, make that vegan - lunch. then I would take Anise either to a museum, or the market (to get some of those organic veggies and wholegrains) we would bike there. Then I would drop her in her crib again and she would sleep for another 2 hours while I did my weight training, or yoga, and prepared dinner. I am not without vice, I would also eat some chocolate. If it were winter I would shovel the driveway, if it were summer I would garden. Then Husband would come home and I would serve the dinner I prepared and tell him how much I understand the demands of his job, and how proud I was that he works so hard to support the family, and how much I admire that he gives everything - including work - his best. Then Anise would go to bed and I would give Husband a massage, maybe perform wifely duties, fold more laundry then go to bed. Oh, and I would prepare the home school lesson for the next day. Oh, and I would never microwave Anise's food.


Instead my day goes like this: I wake up as late as possible, groggy, eat an unhealthy breakfast, feed Anise some cheerios and cheddar cheese (ok, organic cheese) then we play. Sometimes Anise gets to watch tv (but it is Sesame Street, and only for 30 min MAX). Then I have to take her for a walk so she could sleep (there's my exercise). Then I feed Anise lunch (usually heated up in the microwave). It used to be as healthy as possible, now it is whatever she will eat, because otherwise she wouldn't eat, and I am learning that a full belly is a happy belly). I never take vitamins, and I don't drink vegetable juice. Then I eat whatever I feel like eating - not a terrible lunch - but certainly not enough veggies. I don't practice, or read, or do anything else useful. Try to socialize for me and for Anise. Try to cook dinner, feed Anise same dinner, any dinner at this point. Play, have a bath, stories, bed.

Why am I not living my life the way I want to live it? If I believe I should exercise, why don't I? Because I hate it that's why. If I believe I should only eat organic, then why don't I? Because it is a pain in the ass to find good organic produce and it is sometimes expensive. If I think it is cruel to eat meat, why do I? Because I like it (the lamest excuse of all). So basically it is laziness. Laziness stops me from my perfect life. If my house is a mess, why don't I just clean it?

I realize I sound insecure. And defensive. And I am jealous. Jealous of those women who look like they can do it all (like a friend of mine who said she went skating the other day - why don't I ever go skating?). I am jealous of people who have fulfilling careers, jealous of other musicians who get hired, even those gigs that I would hate doing. Jealous of skinny people. I realize that my life and these decisions are my own decisions. I am in control of what I do and what I eat. I am only partially in control of what Anise eats. I have two options: Change what I do, or do as I do and accept it. Which one is easier?

A Cause

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not own your own life. To live for a cause, knowing you will die before you have to. What does it feel like to believe in what you do, knowing your actions will save other people's lives, or at least make them better? What does it feel like to go about your daily grind, except your life is not a grind, because your life can lead to power. Or not. Or death. An early death that you are willing to accept. Maybe if you have seen death around you it changes your perspective. What drives someone to live that way? Is it power? True altruism? Retribution?

We all walk around with the illusion that we are important in the world. That we play our little part and it all matters somehow for someone. But does it? Or is the exact opposite, do we all live thinking we are not important, when each of us is. Maybe we fit into a cosmic puzzle that can't exist with a piece missing. But the truth is some people's death make the world shift, other's don't.

I worry about whether the house is clean, what to make for supper. Somehow the insignificance of it is all that matters. How about worrying about the fact that I might get killed because I am fighting for a cause, how does that change dinner? What if I am mothering someone who will change the world?

Grinch

Everyone is taking a break, and I said I would too, but I finally have a moment to write. I guess since Husband is not taking a break, and hasn't taken one in 7 weeks (not even one day) , the concept of "break" seems surreal.

I love and hate holidays. I get sentimental around this time. I love tradition and I love family traditions. The problem is I have always been on the outside looking in. We were raised in a Jewish home, and never celebrated Christmas. yet the cliché is so embedded in our culture that I get swept up in the Christmas spirit. But I have no gifts to buy, no decorations to put up. I definitely get the urge to shop, and I always hope for snow. When we were kids we used to go across the street to help our neighbours decorate their tree, and on Christmas morning we would go over and watch them open all their gifts. It sounds perverse, but we actually loved it, and we got one gift of our own.

The problem is I also feel this way about Jewish holidays. We have family dinners on Rosh Hashanna, and Passover, but we are the only Jewish people we know who eat on Yom Kippur, eat bread on Passover and never ever go to synagogue. I would never want to go to synagogue because I don't pray that way. But I do miss out on the ritual. There is a certain energy in the air, and a powerful feeling to know that many people born into the same faith on the same day are doing the same thing. During those times I feel left out. I went to a Jewish school for elementary school, and I got a sense of tradition there. I looked forward to the rituals, and the songs. We sang so much at that school, the music was the best part of any holiday. Then everyone would go home to continue the celebrations, and we went home to parents who were critical of religious establishment. We were given a dual message, and somehow could not make peace with the two.

Husband is not Jewish, and grew up with Christmas. Not the North American Christmas, but a French one, which is somewhat toned down ( a little less commercial). He does not feel strongly about Christmas, so we never celebrated it in our home. This year however, I thought we should mark the day, so I was planning to make a Christmas dinner. I still need time to figure out how we give Anise some sense of tradition and heritage, without the contradiction (if that is possible) and without the feeling of being gypped (which we were of course, we got one lousy present for Hanukkah, other people we knew got many many more). However, due to the fact that Husband has worked for 7 weeks without a day off (meaning I have not had a day off in just as long) and due to the fact that he will for sure be working next week while the whole rest of the world is on vacation, I have decided to scrap it. I am not feeling any holiday vibe in our home, and when the hell would I shop for food? Or cook for that matter. So Husband's work has killed my holiday spirit for this year. Which is maybe for the best, it will give me another year to think.

Boy I sound bitter...

I will, however, be making a New Year's dinner so all is not lost!!

Too tired

Too tired to write, too tired. This blog is losing its momentum. Maybe like some fellow bloggers time to give it a rest?
Can't do it all...

In the Car Again

I am finally on holiday. Concerts are done. I have hired a babysitter for 3 half days a week starting in January. What have I done? The smartest thing in the world, or the dumbest?

Things were just starting to fall into place when husband got involved in a huge transaction at work, and I am a single mother again. I can't do this by myself. I wish I could, I know others do, but I can't. I can't put my own baby to bed, which means if husband works late, she stays up really late. Because of this I am going to be the one to push my husband over the edge - there is only so much pressure a person can take. It is already hard to balance home life and work, now with the added responsibility of bedtime it is too much, for both of us. We won't be having a Christmas vacation this year. Maybe if we are lucky he won't have to work Christmas day. You see, he is saving the world, in the way that corporate lawyers do.

I feel lonely but I have the best companion in the world. But the more Anise is marvelous, the more lonely I feel because I want to share this incredible experience. I find it hard to find fulfillment alone, but that is my own failing, because ultimately we are all alone.

We need a break so desperately. Sometimes it feels like we are hanging by a thread. Everything feels out of control, meaning the house is a mess, laundry is not done, snow is not shoveled therefore dog cannot go out, and driving almost impossible. I can't write on my blog, can barely take a shower, haven't brushed my teeth, have been trying to cook. Had to call on help to go food shopping, it was too windy to take Anise shopping in our new backpack (I decided I never want to trapped home because of poor snow clearing again so we bought a backpack). I feel like such a failure, oh and I got my period. First time in 2 years...

It made sense, I had a gynecologist appointment that I had made 4 months ago, at 8:15 on the Monday morning after a blizzard. So of course I was going to get it on Sunday!!

I have been wanting to write so badly for so many days now. I have been thinking in the form of posts, weird. Of course I forget everything once I actually sit down. But I haven't been able to keep up with my blog reading. That is because I do not have a child who naps. I feel like such an idiot for not being able to figure this out. We succeeded with bedtime and nighttime, now I am all alone with naptime, and I have been complaining about the same thing for months now. I admit to being a complainer but I also find solutions, and haven't been able to. It is so easy to self loathe...

Smile

My child is watching Sesame Street. I have nothing to say. Oh, and she is dancing.

Almost done

I haven't had a second to write. But I have been thinking up lots of posts!

I have been getting adequate sleep and thus have been more tired than usual, makes sense, eh?

I didn't realize how much the sleep issue was stressful for me, and now that things are much better I feel this huge relief. Naps are still extremely challenging, only husband can achieve success, so the weekend was peaceful with 2 naps happening each day. Yesterday and today there were only single half hour naps. Clearly, I am the problem. I am running out of ideas and getting tired out. But evenings and nighttime are bliss, and I feel like I can live again!

2 more days of rehearsal, 3 more concerts adn I am free for 6 weeks, yay!! Much needed time to just be with Anise and not have anything else floating in my head.

Perfect Housewife

I never lose it. I don't. I hold it together. Even when I want to I don't. Today I did. I am tired. I am still coming down from a difficult concert Sunday night, and I was alone over night for the first time since Anise was born. Husband has been working a lot the past couple of weeks, poor guy has gotten about 8 hours sleep total the past 2 weeks. But he holds it together.

After not having been out for the past 2 days I decided this morning we had to get out. It is a beautiful sunny day, and it looked as though the roads had been cleared. I am still having a lot of difficulty getting Anise to nap, so I thought a stroller ride this morning would be perfect. Plus I am completely out of food, so I was hoping to finally make it to the grocery store. After taking a half an hour to get us dressed, boots hats, mitts, incredibly difficult and stupid snowsuit, scarves- into the stroller we went. Only to discover that the sidewalks were not cleared and my stroller would not make it further than a foot. There was no way to get onto the road because the banks are too high and the little path too narrow. So I tried the sled, but that didn't work out and Anise got VERY upset. So did I, I called off the expedition and we went home. By this time Anise was exhausted. She fell asleep in my arms 3 times (which doesn't happen very often) but each time I tried to put her in her crib she woke up and went nuts. That's when I lost it. The kitchen is a total mess, I can't unload the dishwasher because Anise climbs into it, there are dirty dishes everywhere. Never mind laundry, there are piles but it can wait. So I did the only thing I know how, I nursed. I use nursing as a sort of time out. It is the only way I can get Anise to calm down, and me to calm down. I have been nursing her a lot lately. I have been too tired to try to distract her when she asks, so I end up giving in, but feeling like I am lazy and that I maybe I am not doing the right thing, is there such a thing as nursing too much?

I don't have a babysitter, and I need one. I found someone, it was working out so well, but she is a musician and her career is taking off, so it won't be working out with her. Finding someone isn't easy. Then there is my family. They help a lot but not enough. Just enough so I can't complain, because they feel they do so much, but not enough so that I feel helped. I hate asking, I feel I am putting them out, and they offer but an hour here and there and with pressure that I am wasting their day. I know I am not clear enough with what I need from them, but the occasional "do you need help" or "I'll will help you" would be nice. Maybe it is unreasonable to ask that much of them, but we are a close family and we see each other a lot. I thought they would get more enjoyment out of spending time with Anise rather than it be a favour to me. I told this to my mother, and she said it all: "I can't expect people to give up their Saturday".

So I had to call my husband home from work.

I feel like such a failure. I feel like I can't get it together. I feel so dependent on other people. My father had to come over to shovel the night when Husband was away, so that I could let the dog out the back. Where was I supposed to put Anise while I did that? I can't shop for food, I can't clean up, I can't cook, I can't get Anise to nap, I couldn't take out the garbage, or the recycling, and I can't bring up the humidifier and my flutes are drying out. I feel like such a loser, and I am tired.

My concert was less successful than usual, if you count the number of attendees as success. I don't usually, success is how well we played, how much we enjoyed rehearsing. But this time I had different expectations, I don't know why, and I was disappointed. It was a good concert, and I wanted more people to hear it. I woke up at 5 that morning, and the morning before that (and the morning after), and it is hard to remain neutral and not get emotional with that little sleep. My teacher would not be proud. He would say to take stalk of the concert, if it didn't go well figure out where and why, and then try to improve next time. I know it doesn't really matter that the turnout wasn't great, it was a 9 o'clock concert on a cold Sunday night. They were announcing a major snowstorm on the news and telling people to stay home. The odds were against me, but I was embarrassed. I felt like I failed even though it is not a personal accomplishment. My own shit is surfacing. I feel small and unnoticed.

Now Anise has cheered me up, and so has my friend M, so Husband does not have to come home from work to save pathetic me.

Stuck

Yesterday we were snowed in. We literally could not go anywhere. My car was buried and the steps were completely covered. My street looked like this:


I placed Anise on her sled for the first time. She looked like this:

The sled however, did not slide so we could not venture far from the house. I shovelled and Anise watched. We had a great time.

There is something cozy and comforting about snowstorms. I think it is the silence. Everything is quiet, cars are muffled. Being surrounded by white is so peaceful. Plus there is nothing cuter than a baby stuck in a snowsuit...