Grinch

Everyone is taking a break, and I said I would too, but I finally have a moment to write. I guess since Husband is not taking a break, and hasn't taken one in 7 weeks (not even one day) , the concept of "break" seems surreal.

I love and hate holidays. I get sentimental around this time. I love tradition and I love family traditions. The problem is I have always been on the outside looking in. We were raised in a Jewish home, and never celebrated Christmas. yet the cliché is so embedded in our culture that I get swept up in the Christmas spirit. But I have no gifts to buy, no decorations to put up. I definitely get the urge to shop, and I always hope for snow. When we were kids we used to go across the street to help our neighbours decorate their tree, and on Christmas morning we would go over and watch them open all their gifts. It sounds perverse, but we actually loved it, and we got one gift of our own.

The problem is I also feel this way about Jewish holidays. We have family dinners on Rosh Hashanna, and Passover, but we are the only Jewish people we know who eat on Yom Kippur, eat bread on Passover and never ever go to synagogue. I would never want to go to synagogue because I don't pray that way. But I do miss out on the ritual. There is a certain energy in the air, and a powerful feeling to know that many people born into the same faith on the same day are doing the same thing. During those times I feel left out. I went to a Jewish school for elementary school, and I got a sense of tradition there. I looked forward to the rituals, and the songs. We sang so much at that school, the music was the best part of any holiday. Then everyone would go home to continue the celebrations, and we went home to parents who were critical of religious establishment. We were given a dual message, and somehow could not make peace with the two.

Husband is not Jewish, and grew up with Christmas. Not the North American Christmas, but a French one, which is somewhat toned down ( a little less commercial). He does not feel strongly about Christmas, so we never celebrated it in our home. This year however, I thought we should mark the day, so I was planning to make a Christmas dinner. I still need time to figure out how we give Anise some sense of tradition and heritage, without the contradiction (if that is possible) and without the feeling of being gypped (which we were of course, we got one lousy present for Hanukkah, other people we knew got many many more). However, due to the fact that Husband has worked for 7 weeks without a day off (meaning I have not had a day off in just as long) and due to the fact that he will for sure be working next week while the whole rest of the world is on vacation, I have decided to scrap it. I am not feeling any holiday vibe in our home, and when the hell would I shop for food? Or cook for that matter. So Husband's work has killed my holiday spirit for this year. Which is maybe for the best, it will give me another year to think.

Boy I sound bitter...

I will, however, be making a New Year's dinner so all is not lost!!