Perfect Housewife

I never lose it. I don't. I hold it together. Even when I want to I don't. Today I did. I am tired. I am still coming down from a difficult concert Sunday night, and I was alone over night for the first time since Anise was born. Husband has been working a lot the past couple of weeks, poor guy has gotten about 8 hours sleep total the past 2 weeks. But he holds it together.

After not having been out for the past 2 days I decided this morning we had to get out. It is a beautiful sunny day, and it looked as though the roads had been cleared. I am still having a lot of difficulty getting Anise to nap, so I thought a stroller ride this morning would be perfect. Plus I am completely out of food, so I was hoping to finally make it to the grocery store. After taking a half an hour to get us dressed, boots hats, mitts, incredibly difficult and stupid snowsuit, scarves- into the stroller we went. Only to discover that the sidewalks were not cleared and my stroller would not make it further than a foot. There was no way to get onto the road because the banks are too high and the little path too narrow. So I tried the sled, but that didn't work out and Anise got VERY upset. So did I, I called off the expedition and we went home. By this time Anise was exhausted. She fell asleep in my arms 3 times (which doesn't happen very often) but each time I tried to put her in her crib she woke up and went nuts. That's when I lost it. The kitchen is a total mess, I can't unload the dishwasher because Anise climbs into it, there are dirty dishes everywhere. Never mind laundry, there are piles but it can wait. So I did the only thing I know how, I nursed. I use nursing as a sort of time out. It is the only way I can get Anise to calm down, and me to calm down. I have been nursing her a lot lately. I have been too tired to try to distract her when she asks, so I end up giving in, but feeling like I am lazy and that I maybe I am not doing the right thing, is there such a thing as nursing too much?

I don't have a babysitter, and I need one. I found someone, it was working out so well, but she is a musician and her career is taking off, so it won't be working out with her. Finding someone isn't easy. Then there is my family. They help a lot but not enough. Just enough so I can't complain, because they feel they do so much, but not enough so that I feel helped. I hate asking, I feel I am putting them out, and they offer but an hour here and there and with pressure that I am wasting their day. I know I am not clear enough with what I need from them, but the occasional "do you need help" or "I'll will help you" would be nice. Maybe it is unreasonable to ask that much of them, but we are a close family and we see each other a lot. I thought they would get more enjoyment out of spending time with Anise rather than it be a favour to me. I told this to my mother, and she said it all: "I can't expect people to give up their Saturday".

So I had to call my husband home from work.

I feel like such a failure. I feel like I can't get it together. I feel so dependent on other people. My father had to come over to shovel the night when Husband was away, so that I could let the dog out the back. Where was I supposed to put Anise while I did that? I can't shop for food, I can't clean up, I can't cook, I can't get Anise to nap, I couldn't take out the garbage, or the recycling, and I can't bring up the humidifier and my flutes are drying out. I feel like such a loser, and I am tired.

My concert was less successful than usual, if you count the number of attendees as success. I don't usually, success is how well we played, how much we enjoyed rehearsing. But this time I had different expectations, I don't know why, and I was disappointed. It was a good concert, and I wanted more people to hear it. I woke up at 5 that morning, and the morning before that (and the morning after), and it is hard to remain neutral and not get emotional with that little sleep. My teacher would not be proud. He would say to take stalk of the concert, if it didn't go well figure out where and why, and then try to improve next time. I know it doesn't really matter that the turnout wasn't great, it was a 9 o'clock concert on a cold Sunday night. They were announcing a major snowstorm on the news and telling people to stay home. The odds were against me, but I was embarrassed. I felt like I failed even though it is not a personal accomplishment. My own shit is surfacing. I feel small and unnoticed.

Now Anise has cheered me up, and so has my friend M, so Husband does not have to come home from work to save pathetic me.