In the Car Again

I am finally on holiday. Concerts are done. I have hired a babysitter for 3 half days a week starting in January. What have I done? The smartest thing in the world, or the dumbest?

Things were just starting to fall into place when husband got involved in a huge transaction at work, and I am a single mother again. I can't do this by myself. I wish I could, I know others do, but I can't. I can't put my own baby to bed, which means if husband works late, she stays up really late. Because of this I am going to be the one to push my husband over the edge - there is only so much pressure a person can take. It is already hard to balance home life and work, now with the added responsibility of bedtime it is too much, for both of us. We won't be having a Christmas vacation this year. Maybe if we are lucky he won't have to work Christmas day. You see, he is saving the world, in the way that corporate lawyers do.

I feel lonely but I have the best companion in the world. But the more Anise is marvelous, the more lonely I feel because I want to share this incredible experience. I find it hard to find fulfillment alone, but that is my own failing, because ultimately we are all alone.

We need a break so desperately. Sometimes it feels like we are hanging by a thread. Everything feels out of control, meaning the house is a mess, laundry is not done, snow is not shoveled therefore dog cannot go out, and driving almost impossible. I can't write on my blog, can barely take a shower, haven't brushed my teeth, have been trying to cook. Had to call on help to go food shopping, it was too windy to take Anise shopping in our new backpack (I decided I never want to trapped home because of poor snow clearing again so we bought a backpack). I feel like such a failure, oh and I got my period. First time in 2 years...

It made sense, I had a gynecologist appointment that I had made 4 months ago, at 8:15 on the Monday morning after a blizzard. So of course I was going to get it on Sunday!!

I have been wanting to write so badly for so many days now. I have been thinking in the form of posts, weird. Of course I forget everything once I actually sit down. But I haven't been able to keep up with my blog reading. That is because I do not have a child who naps. I feel like such an idiot for not being able to figure this out. We succeeded with bedtime and nighttime, now I am all alone with naptime, and I have been complaining about the same thing for months now. I admit to being a complainer but I also find solutions, and haven't been able to. It is so easy to self loathe...