Jealousy

I hate jealousy. It is not me, I don't believe in it. I used to say I wasn't a jealous person, I think I was wrong, I was always jealous I just denied it. The first time I experienced obvious jealousy was during my infertility days. What was different about that jealousy was that I was jealous of people I loved, and for whom I was also happy. I hated myself for feeling that way, it was so hard.

Then there is the professional jealousy. In s competitive a field where there isn't enough work to go around everyone feels it; jealous when other people get work. It is so bad that it sometimes becomes irrational. I am jealous of people who get work that I wouldn't even want, just because it is work.

When I moved back to Montreal from France there weren't very many flute players here. I wasn't that threatened, but it was much harder than I thought to find work. People were "loyal" to their old pals even if they were lousy flute players. Still, I thought, if they want their buddies more than a good player then it is their problem. My teacher said to me "play well and you will find work". So I thought I would create my own work, and show people that I play well. It still wasn't enough work, but became enough once Anise was born.

Last year a new (good) flute player came to town. She is getting all the work I never got. I can try to come up with reasons why. Maybe she was at the right place at the right time. Maybe people like her better. Maybe maybe maybe, it doesn't matter why. And the jealousy hurts. It is so strong it is physical. Last night I went to a concert. On the drive there I was so happy, everything at home is falling into place. Anise slept through the night, I put her to bed myself , she was happy with the babysitter, and she napped on her own. I couldn't have felt better, I have been struggling with these things for so long. It felt good to get out, I would be seeing my friends.

And there she was, the new flute player, a nice girl. I even really like her and I enjoy playing with her. I was already a bit jealous, but I could still handle it. But then I found out more. More jobs she has gotten that means I will never get. And it hit me: I want to quit. Quit playing, quit this profession, I want to find something else to do. Something that will make me happy. I want to take pride in something without the jealousy. I am tired of always feeling left out, I was left out in school all my life. Now I feel left out of this music community too. I wonder how much I exaggerate and how much is real. I wonder if I should keep plodding along in the hopes that I will find my place. How long can I wait? When do I give up? How do I do it, how do I make this career happen? I can't now. Especially not if I want more children. What decisions do I have to make right now? I have to decide if I should plan another season of concerts. The pros: I get to play. The cons: I have to produce, apply for grants, come up with ideas, hire people, pay for it, advertise myself, print the programmes, make the brochures etc. I used to love that part. Now I find the pressure too much to bear, and it is ruining the pleasure.

I don't want this jealousy. If I can't handle it then I have to get out. But how? I feel weighed down and burdened but this talent which keeps holding on to me. I would not be happy without my flute. But I just don't know how to make it happen. I knew how to when I was a student. I got to the top. I went all the way to Belgium to get there, and then once there I made it happen, I learned how to play. I got high marks, which meant I was good by my teachers' standards, and that was no easy feat. And here I am miserable. And I should be happy. I have my baby and all is well.

What a mistake it was to go to that concert. I should have stayed home and watched tv. People should not be out when it is colder than -20 degrees Celsius anyway...

Brain Dead

Grants are due soon. I thought this time I would start early. I always say that, and I always leave it to the last minute. Now that I am forced to be more structured with my work (since I have the babysitter only 3 mornings per week) I thought it would be easier to focus. People ask me how I find balancing a career and baby, and the funny thing is I feel like I don't balance anything. I feel like I am not fully here and not fully there. I feel like I am just scraping by. I basically don't work much, and then when I have to, I wing it. It is as if my creative juices have run dry. I am missing time to think. This is the first time in my life that I am busy. I used to have too much time, which is not a good thing either, not being busy can suck out energy too.

So here I am, busy, trying to come up with interesting programs for next year, instead all I come up with is that the world doesn't need another concert. Sometime I wish that all I had to worry about was Anise and domestic issues. Wishing for something that I know I could have, I have the fortune of not depending financially on my work, yet knowing that would leave me unsatisfied. If not now, then later.

I also find myself dreaming up other career possibilities. Maybe starting a new business, doing crafts, finding that perfect job...What is my perfect job? I have no idea. I think my perfect job would be getting hired as a flute player, but hired with the best groups, some touring (not too much), and artistic control! Sounds a bit like what I do, except that I don't get funding so I waste my time on grant applications, sometimes I don't get a big enough audience, and I feel generally like I am not getting the validation I would like. So in other words, I am dissatisfied with the way my career is going. Could it change? Maybe. Could I make it change? I am not sure if it will just have to go on its own, whether one day I will be at the right place at the right time. When pushing too hard has the opposite effect, it is best to just stop. If the energy we put out is desperate energy people feel it, and generally nothing good comes of it. Which is why things have to happen on their own, in their own time. Sometimes it can be long. Right now it feels long. But I have other worries, like naps! And babysitters! All which seem much much more important.

Perfect

This is what I would be like like if I were perfect by my standards. This is a run through of how my perfect day would go:

I would wake up in the morning before anyone else in the house were awake and I would go for a run. I would get home and I would make myself an organic vegetable smoothie with multivitamin supplements. Then I would prepare Anise a wholegrain organic breakfast (which she would eat). Anise would then play by herself (with only handmade wooden toys) while I would get in a couple of loads of laundry, actually folding some of it. Then I would drop Anise into her crib and she would fall asleep. During her nap I would clean the rest of the house (using only green cleaning products) oh, and I would compost her breakfast. I would practice, catch up on some reading, and contact concert organizers, producers, and recording companies. Then Anise would wake up and I would feed her a homemade organic, wholegrain, vegetarian - no, make that vegan - lunch. then I would take Anise either to a museum, or the market (to get some of those organic veggies and wholegrains) we would bike there. Then I would drop her in her crib again and she would sleep for another 2 hours while I did my weight training, or yoga, and prepared dinner. I am not without vice, I would also eat some chocolate. If it were winter I would shovel the driveway, if it were summer I would garden. Then Husband would come home and I would serve the dinner I prepared and tell him how much I understand the demands of his job, and how proud I was that he works so hard to support the family, and how much I admire that he gives everything - including work - his best. Then Anise would go to bed and I would give Husband a massage, maybe perform wifely duties, fold more laundry then go to bed. Oh, and I would prepare the home school lesson for the next day. Oh, and I would never microwave Anise's food.


Instead my day goes like this: I wake up as late as possible, groggy, eat an unhealthy breakfast, feed Anise some cheerios and cheddar cheese (ok, organic cheese) then we play. Sometimes Anise gets to watch tv (but it is Sesame Street, and only for 30 min MAX). Then I have to take her for a walk so she could sleep (there's my exercise). Then I feed Anise lunch (usually heated up in the microwave). It used to be as healthy as possible, now it is whatever she will eat, because otherwise she wouldn't eat, and I am learning that a full belly is a happy belly). I never take vitamins, and I don't drink vegetable juice. Then I eat whatever I feel like eating - not a terrible lunch - but certainly not enough veggies. I don't practice, or read, or do anything else useful. Try to socialize for me and for Anise. Try to cook dinner, feed Anise same dinner, any dinner at this point. Play, have a bath, stories, bed.

Why am I not living my life the way I want to live it? If I believe I should exercise, why don't I? Because I hate it that's why. If I believe I should only eat organic, then why don't I? Because it is a pain in the ass to find good organic produce and it is sometimes expensive. If I think it is cruel to eat meat, why do I? Because I like it (the lamest excuse of all). So basically it is laziness. Laziness stops me from my perfect life. If my house is a mess, why don't I just clean it?

I realize I sound insecure. And defensive. And I am jealous. Jealous of those women who look like they can do it all (like a friend of mine who said she went skating the other day - why don't I ever go skating?). I am jealous of people who have fulfilling careers, jealous of other musicians who get hired, even those gigs that I would hate doing. Jealous of skinny people. I realize that my life and these decisions are my own decisions. I am in control of what I do and what I eat. I am only partially in control of what Anise eats. I have two options: Change what I do, or do as I do and accept it. Which one is easier?