Close Call

I was getting ready to strike a plan. A networking plan. I would send demo, try to re-audition, go to Toronto for the day to show my face and schmooze...and then my very best friend pointed out that I don't want to travel for work. Oh yeah, I forgot. I got so caught up striving for something I don't want. Why? to prove that I could get it? The competitive-ego-driven-sore-loser in me forgot. I forgot to stop. I have what I want. I freak out at the thought of one local concert, go nuts thinking I have to leave Anise one whole day for rehearsal, I want more kids, and I was going to try to get jobs in Toronto?! Am I nuts? How easily I can lose sight of reality, waste my energy by putting it in the wrong place at the wrong time. Thank goodness for my friend...

Maybe we only get exactly what we want. Nothing more nothing less.

Jealousy

I hate jealousy. It is not me, I don't believe in it. I used to say I wasn't a jealous person, I think I was wrong, I was always jealous I just denied it. The first time I experienced obvious jealousy was during my infertility days. What was different about that jealousy was that I was jealous of people I loved, and for whom I was also happy. I hated myself for feeling that way, it was so hard.

Then there is the professional jealousy. In s competitive a field where there isn't enough work to go around everyone feels it; jealous when other people get work. It is so bad that it sometimes becomes irrational. I am jealous of people who get work that I wouldn't even want, just because it is work.

When I moved back to Montreal from France there weren't very many flute players here. I wasn't that threatened, but it was much harder than I thought to find work. People were "loyal" to their old pals even if they were lousy flute players. Still, I thought, if they want their buddies more than a good player then it is their problem. My teacher said to me "play well and you will find work". So I thought I would create my own work, and show people that I play well. It still wasn't enough work, but became enough once Anise was born.

Last year a new (good) flute player came to town. She is getting all the work I never got. I can try to come up with reasons why. Maybe she was at the right place at the right time. Maybe people like her better. Maybe maybe maybe, it doesn't matter why. And the jealousy hurts. It is so strong it is physical. Last night I went to a concert. On the drive there I was so happy, everything at home is falling into place. Anise slept through the night, I put her to bed myself , she was happy with the babysitter, and she napped on her own. I couldn't have felt better, I have been struggling with these things for so long. It felt good to get out, I would be seeing my friends.

And there she was, the new flute player, a nice girl. I even really like her and I enjoy playing with her. I was already a bit jealous, but I could still handle it. But then I found out more. More jobs she has gotten that means I will never get. And it hit me: I want to quit. Quit playing, quit this profession, I want to find something else to do. Something that will make me happy. I want to take pride in something without the jealousy. I am tired of always feeling left out, I was left out in school all my life. Now I feel left out of this music community too. I wonder how much I exaggerate and how much is real. I wonder if I should keep plodding along in the hopes that I will find my place. How long can I wait? When do I give up? How do I do it, how do I make this career happen? I can't now. Especially not if I want more children. What decisions do I have to make right now? I have to decide if I should plan another season of concerts. The pros: I get to play. The cons: I have to produce, apply for grants, come up with ideas, hire people, pay for it, advertise myself, print the programmes, make the brochures etc. I used to love that part. Now I find the pressure too much to bear, and it is ruining the pleasure.

I don't want this jealousy. If I can't handle it then I have to get out. But how? I feel weighed down and burdened but this talent which keeps holding on to me. I would not be happy without my flute. But I just don't know how to make it happen. I knew how to when I was a student. I got to the top. I went all the way to Belgium to get there, and then once there I made it happen, I learned how to play. I got high marks, which meant I was good by my teachers' standards, and that was no easy feat. And here I am miserable. And I should be happy. I have my baby and all is well.

What a mistake it was to go to that concert. I should have stayed home and watched tv. People should not be out when it is colder than -20 degrees Celsius anyway...

Brain Dead

Grants are due soon. I thought this time I would start early. I always say that, and I always leave it to the last minute. Now that I am forced to be more structured with my work (since I have the babysitter only 3 mornings per week) I thought it would be easier to focus. People ask me how I find balancing a career and baby, and the funny thing is I feel like I don't balance anything. I feel like I am not fully here and not fully there. I feel like I am just scraping by. I basically don't work much, and then when I have to, I wing it. It is as if my creative juices have run dry. I am missing time to think. This is the first time in my life that I am busy. I used to have too much time, which is not a good thing either, not being busy can suck out energy too.

So here I am, busy, trying to come up with interesting programs for next year, instead all I come up with is that the world doesn't need another concert. Sometime I wish that all I had to worry about was Anise and domestic issues. Wishing for something that I know I could have, I have the fortune of not depending financially on my work, yet knowing that would leave me unsatisfied. If not now, then later.

I also find myself dreaming up other career possibilities. Maybe starting a new business, doing crafts, finding that perfect job...What is my perfect job? I have no idea. I think my perfect job would be getting hired as a flute player, but hired with the best groups, some touring (not too much), and artistic control! Sounds a bit like what I do, except that I don't get funding so I waste my time on grant applications, sometimes I don't get a big enough audience, and I feel generally like I am not getting the validation I would like. So in other words, I am dissatisfied with the way my career is going. Could it change? Maybe. Could I make it change? I am not sure if it will just have to go on its own, whether one day I will be at the right place at the right time. When pushing too hard has the opposite effect, it is best to just stop. If the energy we put out is desperate energy people feel it, and generally nothing good comes of it. Which is why things have to happen on their own, in their own time. Sometimes it can be long. Right now it feels long. But I have other worries, like naps! And babysitters! All which seem much much more important.

Validation

This is what I was thinking last night as I was nursing Anise back to sleep for the fourth time in a 2 hour period: not only am I a full time mom, but I do also have somewhat of a career going, and that if I were anybody else, pulling off concerts without practicing would be next to impossible, and I don't get any credit for it.

Credit? From whom? Suppose I did: what difference would it make to my every day life? Would I feel better about myself? Am I performing just to boost my ego? Partially. I have been touring around the city for this government-funded program that helps bring classical music to the suburbs. Some concerts have had an ok audience, others had 10 people who clapped between movements. That is ok, it is still nice to perform, all I need is to touch 1 person in the audience and my work is done. But Sunday we had a concert in the heart of the city. It was a small hall that only holds 150 people but it was full. Full of regular classical music goers, full of a hardcore audience that would rather listen to live music than be outside Sunday afternoon on a beautiful fall day. We played really well. As I played I was thinking about how much I really do enjoy performing, and that I was pleased that the enjoyment was coming back (since Anise was born I have been enjoying it much less). We all felt nervous, and we all agreed afterwards on how rewarding it is to play for an appreciative audience. But wait a minute, that is not how it should be. One should not judge an audience, and their knowledge of music does not affect their enjoyment nor should it affect how we play.

I think as a performer we seek a thrill and the higher the risk the greater the thrill. Maybe there is an addictive quality to the adrenaline, similar to other thrill seeking activities, and the more we feel threatened and judged, the more we feel exposed, and the greater the risk.

This brings me back to validation. I guess part of who I am as a performer needs validation, maybe that is why I chose to perform. But I don't believe that is a necessary component for performing. I think it is a negative by-product. Or maybe I can blame my parents. Maybe I wasn't "seen" enough as a child and now I am constantly struggling to be seen. Either way I can go around in circles inside my head.

The thought process ends with "what do I really want?". Do I want recognition? A pat on the back? Do I want to be famous, recognized on the streets? Recognition from my peers? I don't know. If I had planned this I would say that the career/home balance was perfect. But it is not. I can't articulate why. I feel like I have reached a dead end and I only have half the desire and energy I would need to continue to get it going. What I want is a break, time off from thinking or worrying about career. I want to focus solely on child raising. I am too tired, and not in the right mental place to take the ups and downs that come with my career. I do not have the strength to swim against the current, nor the strength to ride the disappointment and push through anyway. I don't have the energy to shrug off competition and rise above the politics, and I cannot play the game. I don't have space in my head for ideas and programs, or strategies. I only have space for poo consistencies, sleep, games and food!

Ok, gotta go print programs...

Pee

Just as I was thinking about writing about sadness, Karen posted something about sadness. Weird. Eerie actually because that keeps happening.

I haven't had a chance to write and I have been craving it. Of course by now I have forgotten everything I wanted to say.

I had a scary dream, a dream about my own mortality. This is the first time in my life I have had a dream like that. I know my thoughts about my own death have changed since having a child, because now I really can't die, and not because of my own will to live, but for someone else. But that dream led to another dream about having more kids, or rather not being able to.

I (we rather) want more kids. At least one other one, maybe two. And I am suddenly starting to panic that it might not work. It has made me realize that I think about having another as if it were a sure thing and that is not a good way to think. I thought that I had learned my lesson about planning and waiting and wanting, but I guess not. I use the notion of "another kid" to help me get through the nostalgia I am already feeling for Anise. Instead of confronting the sadness of Anise never being tiny again, or never fitting into that cute dress ever again, I shrug it off and think "there will be another one". As if I will relive this whole experience again. Or as if to relive giving birth again, but this time it will go the way I wanted it to go.

I dream of having a family, and in my fantasy that includes more than one child. But I have a family, and I almost couldn't have one child. Recently I have been reliving the pain of the four years we struggled with infertility. I don't know what triggered it, and it should be behind me now, but I am afraid I will relive it again. The pain was insidious it was there all the time, and it turned to anger and frustration mixed in with hope and optimism which led to even more pain.

I had 3 miscarriages, all conceived on my own, after having taken a while to get pregnant. But for me the miscarriages weren't that bad because they brought hope. The worst was waiting every month. Every month that I didn't conceive was another miscarriage. Then the IVF. I hated it because by then I had lost my optimism and I was bitter. But then it worked! Out of that bitterness came immense joy. We were very lucky amongst the unlucky. What if it doesn't work next time?

Why am I thinking of that now? Where is this sadness coming from? Something isn't feeling right. Is it just plain old stress? I have a lot of concerts coming up and a lot of work to do, and now work is impossible because Anise doesn't nap any more and is at an age where she needs a lot of attention. I feel like I am questioning my whole career too much, I feel I am in limbo. I wish I could decide, either quit and do something else, or continue with my work but be happy with it.

My mom is now here so that I could do some work, but I am sneaking off to write this instead. My dog (who has fleas) just peed in the house when I was gone and Anise just crawled in it. Nice.

I guess I better go.