TV

I am a bad mother. I introduced Sesame Street to Anise and I have created a monster. It helped ease the transition with babysitter, they have their TV routine. But now it is time to wean. Have I done damage? Or is it repairable? Where are my principles? I think fatigue has taken over, and tossed out my morals.

I have started sleeping again, and fatigue has taken hold. So strong. Gone is the adrenaline that kept me going. All that is left is a hollow, irritable, tired shell. (Oh, and fat too).

I probably shouldn't post this, but this is why I am writing a blog! To post my inner musings.

But the guilt comes and goes. Sometimes it grips me and is so strong I have to write about it. Other times I can let it go. What is better: wholewheat pasta, or organic pasta? I couldn't find both. So tortured was I that I bought both and mixed them together. Then I felt better.

Perfect

This is what I would be like like if I were perfect by my standards. This is a run through of how my perfect day would go:

I would wake up in the morning before anyone else in the house were awake and I would go for a run. I would get home and I would make myself an organic vegetable smoothie with multivitamin supplements. Then I would prepare Anise a wholegrain organic breakfast (which she would eat). Anise would then play by herself (with only handmade wooden toys) while I would get in a couple of loads of laundry, actually folding some of it. Then I would drop Anise into her crib and she would fall asleep. During her nap I would clean the rest of the house (using only green cleaning products) oh, and I would compost her breakfast. I would practice, catch up on some reading, and contact concert organizers, producers, and recording companies. Then Anise would wake up and I would feed her a homemade organic, wholegrain, vegetarian - no, make that vegan - lunch. then I would take Anise either to a museum, or the market (to get some of those organic veggies and wholegrains) we would bike there. Then I would drop her in her crib again and she would sleep for another 2 hours while I did my weight training, or yoga, and prepared dinner. I am not without vice, I would also eat some chocolate. If it were winter I would shovel the driveway, if it were summer I would garden. Then Husband would come home and I would serve the dinner I prepared and tell him how much I understand the demands of his job, and how proud I was that he works so hard to support the family, and how much I admire that he gives everything - including work - his best. Then Anise would go to bed and I would give Husband a massage, maybe perform wifely duties, fold more laundry then go to bed. Oh, and I would prepare the home school lesson for the next day. Oh, and I would never microwave Anise's food.


Instead my day goes like this: I wake up as late as possible, groggy, eat an unhealthy breakfast, feed Anise some cheerios and cheddar cheese (ok, organic cheese) then we play. Sometimes Anise gets to watch tv (but it is Sesame Street, and only for 30 min MAX). Then I have to take her for a walk so she could sleep (there's my exercise). Then I feed Anise lunch (usually heated up in the microwave). It used to be as healthy as possible, now it is whatever she will eat, because otherwise she wouldn't eat, and I am learning that a full belly is a happy belly). I never take vitamins, and I don't drink vegetable juice. Then I eat whatever I feel like eating - not a terrible lunch - but certainly not enough veggies. I don't practice, or read, or do anything else useful. Try to socialize for me and for Anise. Try to cook dinner, feed Anise same dinner, any dinner at this point. Play, have a bath, stories, bed.

Why am I not living my life the way I want to live it? If I believe I should exercise, why don't I? Because I hate it that's why. If I believe I should only eat organic, then why don't I? Because it is a pain in the ass to find good organic produce and it is sometimes expensive. If I think it is cruel to eat meat, why do I? Because I like it (the lamest excuse of all). So basically it is laziness. Laziness stops me from my perfect life. If my house is a mess, why don't I just clean it?

I realize I sound insecure. And defensive. And I am jealous. Jealous of those women who look like they can do it all (like a friend of mine who said she went skating the other day - why don't I ever go skating?). I am jealous of people who have fulfilling careers, jealous of other musicians who get hired, even those gigs that I would hate doing. Jealous of skinny people. I realize that my life and these decisions are my own decisions. I am in control of what I do and what I eat. I am only partially in control of what Anise eats. I have two options: Change what I do, or do as I do and accept it. Which one is easier?