The Lottery

When do you stop? Just make a decision that you know is wrong, but do it anyway. Yes, there will be consequences, the "what ifs" and it is all unknown. But I have decided not to apply for those two grants, and simply because I don't want to. There is a reason that will one day come to me in an articulated way, for right now it is just that I don't want to even though I know I "should". I believe that feeling may be coming from someplace wise. Or at least I hope. At worst it means no funding for one year, like all previous years. But there is no guarantee I would get it. In fact there is about a 15% chance I would get it. I could also go play the lottery. By not doing it there is 100% chance I won't get it, but I don't ever play the lottery. Maybe this will free up my head for bigger and better things. And there is one more grant application due in May. That one I can do.