Holding On

I have been falling behind in my writing (and reading). I have been knitting instead. Can't have more than one extracurricular activity...

After almost 2 years without having my period, getting it now feels different. I find myself emotional, it is as if I have forgotten how to handle them, like when I was a teenager. I am trying hard to de-condition myself. After struggling for four years with "infertility" my periods meant much more than a period.

I find myself nostalgic. Anise is changing so fast. I am trying really hard to keep up. Her amazing smile keeps changing. I tried to take mental snapshots of her toothless grin; I knew it would change, and I never caught it on camera quite the way it looked in real life. Now her toothy grin, so expressive, has taken shape, and I have lost the image of her old smile. I tried to hang on but I couldn't. I know I am going to lose so many more of these precious memories.

I am finally exactly where I want to be, and time zooming. Days, weeks are flying by. I wish I could hold on.

I never realized it was possible to be so in love with another person. So interested in every single second. I never knew I would enjoy watching a little hand gracefully pick up a piece of food. The way her tiny fingers wrap around a square of cheese, her hand turns and her mouth opens at just the right time. She is so careful, the food always goes in (except when it is being given to the dog, to my dismay). It is absolutely incredible that by 14 months the world has already been figured out.

I plopped Anise into bed tonight at 7:15, and she went to sleep, she now stays asleep (for those who know me, this is no small feat) and I miss her when she sleeps! Husband and I sometimes spend our newly free evenings looking at pictures of her. And I think of my mother. My mother keeps reminding me that Anise is on loan to me. She isn't mine and I will have to let her go one day. I guess it happens, but I can't imagine how.

Off to knit.