I Will Be Back

I promise. Just getting through this week. As of next Monday I will be officially unemployed (will discuss it more then) but I have had a year's worth of work these past 2 weeks. To my loyal and faithful readers: hang in there please and bear with me! I promise to write wonderful posts in the weeks to come. I will start next week...(or maybe sooner for the lucky checkers).

xo m

The Lottery

When do you stop? Just make a decision that you know is wrong, but do it anyway. Yes, there will be consequences, the "what ifs" and it is all unknown. But I have decided not to apply for those two grants, and simply because I don't want to. There is a reason that will one day come to me in an articulated way, for right now it is just that I don't want to even though I know I "should". I believe that feeling may be coming from someplace wise. Or at least I hope. At worst it means no funding for one year, like all previous years. But there is no guarantee I would get it. In fact there is about a 15% chance I would get it. I could also go play the lottery. By not doing it there is 100% chance I won't get it, but I don't ever play the lottery. Maybe this will free up my head for bigger and better things. And there is one more grant application due in May. That one I can do.

Skeptic

I have been swearing a lot lately. Maybe it is time to stop, otherwise I will have a one year old who says fuck all the time.
It is snowing again. Fuck. I really can't take the winter anymore. Why the hell did people settle here...Of all the places they could have gone.

Last week Anise and I went to our homeopath. I am not a non-believer, BUT, some things do seem soooooo weird. We went because Anise wasn't napping, and I was EXHAUSTED. The symptoms: Anise cries initially when I leave her with the babysitter, then stops (normal), is a late walker (normal), has a preference for cheese and chicken (?), nurses a lot (normal), sometimes pinches my nose (?). Sounds crazy, right?

Well - the day after the remedy was given to me (Anise got it through my milk), she stretched her arms out to the babysitter as I was leaving, and she napped for 45 minutes. Now, one week later she has been in great spirits since last week (much less cranky), still goes happily to babysitter (even waves goodbye) napped yesterday for 1 hour and 20 minutes, still eats cheese and chicken (actually liking cheese a little less). And I have about a trillion times more energy. Some people even pointed out that my writing voice has changed.

So? Coincidence? I think not.

Holding On

I have been falling behind in my writing (and reading). I have been knitting instead. Can't have more than one extracurricular activity...

After almost 2 years without having my period, getting it now feels different. I find myself emotional, it is as if I have forgotten how to handle them, like when I was a teenager. I am trying hard to de-condition myself. After struggling for four years with "infertility" my periods meant much more than a period.

I find myself nostalgic. Anise is changing so fast. I am trying really hard to keep up. Her amazing smile keeps changing. I tried to take mental snapshots of her toothless grin; I knew it would change, and I never caught it on camera quite the way it looked in real life. Now her toothy grin, so expressive, has taken shape, and I have lost the image of her old smile. I tried to hang on but I couldn't. I know I am going to lose so many more of these precious memories.

I am finally exactly where I want to be, and time zooming. Days, weeks are flying by. I wish I could hold on.

I never realized it was possible to be so in love with another person. So interested in every single second. I never knew I would enjoy watching a little hand gracefully pick up a piece of food. The way her tiny fingers wrap around a square of cheese, her hand turns and her mouth opens at just the right time. She is so careful, the food always goes in (except when it is being given to the dog, to my dismay). It is absolutely incredible that by 14 months the world has already been figured out.

I plopped Anise into bed tonight at 7:15, and she went to sleep, she now stays asleep (for those who know me, this is no small feat) and I miss her when she sleeps! Husband and I sometimes spend our newly free evenings looking at pictures of her. And I think of my mother. My mother keeps reminding me that Anise is on loan to me. She isn't mine and I will have to let her go one day. I guess it happens, but I can't imagine how.

Off to knit.

TV

I am a bad mother. I introduced Sesame Street to Anise and I have created a monster. It helped ease the transition with babysitter, they have their TV routine. But now it is time to wean. Have I done damage? Or is it repairable? Where are my principles? I think fatigue has taken over, and tossed out my morals.

I have started sleeping again, and fatigue has taken hold. So strong. Gone is the adrenaline that kept me going. All that is left is a hollow, irritable, tired shell. (Oh, and fat too).

I probably shouldn't post this, but this is why I am writing a blog! To post my inner musings.

But the guilt comes and goes. Sometimes it grips me and is so strong I have to write about it. Other times I can let it go. What is better: wholewheat pasta, or organic pasta? I couldn't find both. So tortured was I that I bought both and mixed them together. Then I felt better.