Goodbye

The thought suddenly came to me that I should quit. And I liked it. I am thinking about quitting flute too, but that has been in my head for longer. I don't know why I am writing, or for whom. I don't think it is for myself anymore (or was it ever?) so it is time to stop. I get disappointed in myself if I don't write, and I don't need something else hanging over my head that I have to do.

I don't need more friendships that I can't even maintain. It feels like everyone is falling away, I must be pushing them away. But you see, my job consumes me, and it is work work work all the time - weekends and vacations included. I work sleep work. I am depleted of everything besides love for my family. I am physically drained, and emotionally drained, and there is no me left to talk or write about. I guess there is little me to listen as well.

And today I have so much anger in me, I am not sure where it comes from, or where it is directed. But I do: It comes from me, and is directed at me. I am angry at concert producers who undermine me, friends who disappoint me, workers who annoy me, and oven mitts that don't protect against heat.

Maybe it is the fatigue speaking, maybe it is that fucking pill, and maybe one day I will be back. But my emotions about blogging are mimicking upheaval I am feeling in my life, and I want to so desperately change things!

So leaving this blog, perhaps returning under a new name, seems like a step in some direction. I am not sure who reads me, but those who do, thank you for being here. I am sending love out to the blogosphere, because that I have...
xxx

Colour

My writing has gotten worse, my words don't speak. I think in blog form, and then I sit down and I draw a blank. Lately I am thinking about sinks and doors, paint colours and floors, and I like the shallowness of it. I am tired of thinking too much, and these decisions replace any deep thought.

Since Anise was conceived, nothing has importance anymore, and that is how it should be. But it takes a child to understand life, and life force. I guess we know it when we are young, and then we lose the ability to filter what is important. Or it is a sign of aging, fear of the fragility of life as we get nearer to death?

I am on the pill, and it makes my stomach balloon out, and it makes me tired, irritable, and depressed. Or is the pill just an excuse? It amazes me that so much can be going on and really all I care about is my stomach sticking out. Vanity is powerful.

Anise said the work "rainbow". 4 days ago I took out a rainbow puzzle, I am not even sure I told her it was a rainbow. 2 days later we saw one, a huge rainbow filled the sky. The next day she pointed to her bowl which has colours all around the rim, and she said "rainbow". There have been many magical moments lately, and I am thankful for that.

Teeth

Anise finally brushed her teeth. All this time she would hold the toothbrush but refuse to let us. Then an email went around my playgroup friends about teeth brushing and fluoride. I wrote sarcastically about what a bad mother I am because all my friends have brushing their kids teeth since before they had them with a washcloth! Then two days after that without any prodding from me, she brushed them. I don't think it is a coincidence.

I have often wondered about the difference between premonition and self fulfilling prophecy. My sister as a kid had a phobia of her dolls' head falling off, and they did. Did she sense that they would, or did they fall off in response to her fear? I have had a lot of similar feelings with Anise. I have an aversion to dressing her in synthetic material, and I adamantly refused to have any plastic on her bed. Before she was born I ordered an all natural wool mattress for her, with a wool mattress pad. It turns out that Anise is a sweater. As soon as her skin touches any plastic she is drenched. Did I know that before, or did she become like that because of my obsession? Is there a difference. Those are silly examples, but there are bigger things: I am not against vaccinating people and children. I do believe there are flaws in the way we administer them, and the amount we give. I also realize that it is a subject that even doctors know little about, and that it is an area which is hard to test. But I have an irrational fear about vaccinating Anise (she is partially), and since I have been right about so many little things, I think I should I listen to myself. I am finally beginning to listen to myself. It took 21 and a half months.

Wrinkles

Why is everything hard for me? I am not the onlt person on earth to have a toddler, other people manage. They look great, cook dinner, and even clean their house! Why am I so hopeless? Why am I so tired? This debilitating fatigue that is here, that makes things so difficult, will it ever go away? Is it something I am not eating? Is it because I am not exercising? Is there something wrong with me? Is it because I am over my ideal weight? Am I doing something wrong? Is it all in my head? Anise wakes up so early, this morning 5am, and by 4pm carrying her upstairs is literally hell. Fatigue has all sorts of side effects: depression, mistakes, panics, and wrinkles, to name a few.

I gave up my diet. After my failed fertility treatment I had this strange surge of energy. It was the contrast between the normal me and the hormone laden me, and I felt great. I had the energy it took to diet (because it takes a hell of a lot of energy) and I did it for 1 week. How pathetic! Then I got sick - a really bad cold. I have not been sick in over a year, I think dieting weakened my immune system. Then Anise got sick, then Husband got sick, then we were away - there was no way! And now we moved, are not living at home, and my treatment starts tonight (back on birth control pills) collection is a little over a month away. Not the time to be dieting - right? Right! Then why do I feel like such a loser?

I lost it the other night. I was so calm before we moved, and excited, denying that any of this was stressful. Then I got so tired that I couldn't sleep, and I cried. Knowing I can't catch upon sleep, nor can I stop to lie down during the day, at night feels like a version of hell. The perpetualness of it is what is horrible. So I finally cried, and I felt the grief and pain that is in my body - the longing for, and loss of a child again. It hurts. I can deny it, and then it hurts again. I am good at burying it - I have to , but it comes back to haunt me sometimes.

This time I am ready. I want a baby (it is impossible to be more tired, right?). Last time, I wasn't. I did not feel ready, maybe that is why it didn't work. So here I go again, on the roller coaster of why's and maybes, and hopes and fantasies. Oh well. It is my choice. And my house is going to be great.

I Am Still Here

I am behind, behind, behind on the blogging front! What to do first, read, write?

We are renovating our house. Gutting the whole first floor. So we spent the last week moving and preparing. We are moved out, staying at my in-law's empty apartment. It feels like we are on vacation, I love it! I am glad to have a project which is neither flute nor baby related, and then we are going to get what will feel like a new house, very exciting. Needles to say I am tired tired tired, but I feel I have no right to complain since this is all our choice. Husband went back to work today after 3 weeks off. He took another week off after the leg and sick fiasco.

Fall is coming, the air is cooling and I can feel renewal happening. I love this time of year. Things are starting up again. I had to wait in line to sign Anise up for a program, the first of what will be many signing-up experiences. But I have no time to write, no time for anything. Haven't found new babysitters, old ones are back to school. Plus when your go to sleep at 9 your evenings are short...more later.