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I have been feeling better lately. I think. It doesn't matter anyway, because hoping, longing, and wishing are useless. Those artificial emotions that I felt during these past 8 weeks, since the treatment began, have been hard to shake. It makes it easy to lose sight of the present. But now I have no choice. I can be angry and sad, but that won't change the outcome either, and the reality is that right now, today, I am happy. I felt like I got thrown back to 4 years ago when I wasn't. And so, I joined Weight Watchers. Yes, I did it, I took the plunge and I have to admit I feel hungry. But maybe this will be a way for me to channel some of my desire for control.

I recognized that I like control. I am not a control freak, but I do like to take chanrge of things as much as I can. I worried about that before having Anise, I really did not want to be a controlling parent. The opposite happened. After Anise was born I enjoyed the thrill of having someone else in charge! Now I see that Anise likes to be in control of her own destiny. She has this mischievous smile when she does something she isn't supposed to, and then she pretends that she stopped because she decided to, not because I asked her to.

I cannot make a baby. There is a possibility that I can, but it won't be from anything I do. Can I truly believe that? I have no choice. Missing the present would be more loss.