Renew

Time, or having time, is all warped these days. I have time to spend one hour going for a walk, and only getting as far as our block. I have time to admire every pebble, every step, every flower, every house. But no time to talk on the phone, or write an email. Isn't that great? I think it is, except when I have to write an email, or feel like posting a blog entry. I have written so many in my head, but I guess that is where they will stay.

I went to a funeral on Thursday, my great-aunt's husband. It wasn't a close relation, and he had been sick for a while, so it wasn't upsetting for me. But as the Cantor was singing and the Rabbi talking, I was thinking about my relationship with judaism. The comfort or the discomfort I feel when at a Jewish religious service. Hearing a cantor reminds me of my childhood, and I was thinking about how I wish that it wouldn't feel foreign for Anise. But I know I would never send her to a Jewish school, and I don't think I would be comfortable bringing her to synagogue, so how would she ever be exposed to that? I could take her to synagogue on high holidays, but how would I do that without the hypocrisy?

The Rabbi spoke about my great uncle, and of the fact that he was a holocaust survivor. He survived Auschwitz. And that became his identity. And they are dying. The last of the survivors, we are starting fresh, without that as a constant theme. Will some of the sadness also dissipate? What will Judaism feel like without those people? I grew up with the stories, and the music the songs, and the heaviness of the holocaust. Anise won't, and in some ways that is a good thing. Will she feel comfort when she goes to s Jewish service? Or will it feel foreign? How will I teach her all those beautiful songs? I have long forgotten the words.