Lessons

One day I will write the story of Anise's conception and birth. Not now. But I am realizing how hard it is for everything to go right. I don't know anyone who has had all of the following go smoothly:

1)Conception
2)Pregnancy
3)Delivery
4)Breastfeeding

But it is supposed to! I have never had my faith in nature so profoundly shaken. I had 3 miscarriages, difficulty conceiving (needed IVF), a cesarean section (when I had planned a home birth) and serious pain while breastfeeding. Before the saga of working to have a child I sincerely believed my body would perform. I had my whole belief system shaken. It was like having my religion taken away from me. I guess that is a good thing, because that is precisely what is wrong with religion, it doesn't allow for the unpredictable (unless it is a religion that worships a god, then you blame him). I learned to accept, and be, and be appreciative, and happy, and once again, to not judge. That seems to be a theme here.

To not judge. This takes practice, especially as a musician. We spent most of our childhood, and then many years later, going for weekly sessions where we were listened to and judged. Some of us started early taking exams and being judged, others entered competitions where they were judged, only to go on to take auditions where we are judged, and then perform for audiences where we feel judged. Yet we believe in ourselves, and we take the risk. We risk humiliation, but in the moment it feels like we are risking death (that is adrenaline doing its job). I had many lessons with my beloved teacher who would tell me to play more confidently, to believe in myself, then after one bar would stop me and correct something!

How does all of this relate to parenthood? How I long for a weekly lesson in parenting, given to me by the world expert, someone who I think is the best in the whole world, who will correct me, tell me to have confidence, but "do it this way". How do we not feel judged? why does it somehow feel that there is a right way somewhere out there that no one is telling us about? Why do I feel like I have gotten it wrong. I know everyone wings it, it just doesn't feel that way. this tremendous responsibility has me wavering in and out of different conflicting states of mind. Nothing matters, it all matters. Who cares where or when she fell asleep, she needs to sleep in her bed at an early hour. We have this illusion of control. The truth is you cannot control another individual. You cannot force someone to sleep or to eat, you can just listen and try to guide. And love.