I am feeling low. Very bloated, sore and low. At least I am having an emotion...
I have lost friends. Both virtual and local. I have lost friends before due to this whole infertility thing. But I didn't expect that this time. As far as my virtual friends are concerned, it is my own fault, I went away and I disappeared. But as far as my local friend is concerned, I have no idea what happened. Nor do I feel like speculating. It doesn't matter, but it does.
This fertility process makes me feel alone. The physical pain is real, but I don't get sympathy for it. The emotional pain is worse, and now that I have a child I don't get any sympathy either. I am trying not to be afraid, not to fear the failure. But it is hard. Although it feels greedy, I want another child. Other people can have them, so why can't I? I read once that people with secondary infertility are just as depressed as people who have not had any children. For me, the desperation is not at all the same, but my idea of a family always consisted of more than one child, and I would be unhappy if I could not conceive a second, but not as unhappy if I couldn't have any. People (those I choose to tell) keep saying to me that if it doesn't work then it's ok because I have Anise. Yet no one questions women who have no trouble conceiving who choose to have more than one, as if it were so unusual!
No one seems to realize that it is actual surgery. Here I am again, focusing on external validation. Why do I care what other people think? I rarely ask for support from people, and when I need it, I never feel like I get it. Obviously it is something I am doing that makes me feel disappointed, but what?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
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We all care what other people think. Then we get over it, and then we care again. You are describing humankind, only it's not so kind. If I had another kind of answer, another kind of solution, I would refer you, but alas, I only have p-r-a-c-t-i-c-e.
ReplyDeleteI always find it difficult to ask for help, support. Sometimes we call ourselves whiners if we can't get by on our own. Feel free to ask more often, and perhaps you will be rewarded with more responses?
ReplyDeleteI don't fault you for wanting more children. We have been blessed with three, and many days feel that three is ENOUGH ... but even so, I have trouble making that decision final. Well, that's me - I have trouble making anything final!
External validation is a hard thing to not need. You'll get it from me in spades, for what it's worth.
ReplyDeleteWith love.
xo J