So we have 9 embryos. Nine little potential beings. We find out the results of the PGD on Friday, they day of the transfer. We may get none, we may get a few. Last time we had 10 embryos, only 2 were normal. But I am not going to speculate on the odds because there is no point in either worrying or getting excited.
Yesterday was painful. It hurt much more than last time, and I had to get more medication than usual. I was nauseous and dizzy afterwards and I threw up when I got home. Then I felt better.
When I tell people I am in treatment they sometimes react by saying "that is so exciting". I try, but I can't see it that way. Surgery is rarely exciting, and having sex to make a baby seems much more exciting to me. It is really strange, because I am not sick, but I have to take drugs that make me feel bad, and then have surgery and medication, just for the remote possibility of becoming pregnant.
The whole thing is surreal, and I am numb. I guess that is a good way to handle it. I am too distracted with Anise to really think about something else. It also helps that I am not in a rush. With Anise it was different, we were desperate. I am no longer desperate, it would be nice if it worked and it would suck if I had to go through this again because physically it sucks. Plus resting is not really an option. But other than that if I got pregnant later that would be ok too.
It has been strange this feeling of being disconnected. I am aware that my posts are boring, and I can feel that I am boring to talk to these days. I have been rereading some of my old posts, back when I had things to say. Where did I get all that energy from? These days my brain is quieter; something I have been trying to achieve for a long time. We have a nice routine going, and I am busy all day playing, feeding, smiling, going to activities. I literally have no time to think and that is a good thing. But it makes me a bore. Or I worry that I am escaping myself, hiding form emotions I don't want to confront? Ok, that was way too much thinking for me, time to go to sleep...
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I don't think your posts are boring - perhaps my life is so boring yours seems interesting.
ReplyDeleteCan I ask, after reading about the fun involved in your getting pregnant process, why not adopt? I know it's a super personal question, so feel free to ignore it, but I would be interested to understand why, with all the time, energy, expense, health risks, and possible failure or possible mega-multiples ... why not consider a child already here who needs a mother?
It was all worth it for Anise!! We were lucky, here in Canada it isn't as expensive, and I only went through one day of hell. I would do it again to have the honor of carrying a child inside my body, giving birth, breastfeeding, knowing my child from their first breath, and sharing our genetic makeup. That's why!
ReplyDeletePs. Adopting is a very difficult process - especially if you want a young baby. It is not as easy as rescuing a newborn from an unfit mother. Often the wait is long, and it is just as expensive. The emotional turmoil is just as hard, if not harder, of waiting, and being let down. Or you have to go abroad, deal with bureaucratic nightmares, wait for years, and if you are lucky get your baby when they are 8 months or older.
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