Renew

Time, or having time, is all warped these days. I have time to spend one hour going for a walk, and only getting as far as our block. I have time to admire every pebble, every step, every flower, every house. But no time to talk on the phone, or write an email. Isn't that great? I think it is, except when I have to write an email, or feel like posting a blog entry. I have written so many in my head, but I guess that is where they will stay.

I went to a funeral on Thursday, my great-aunt's husband. It wasn't a close relation, and he had been sick for a while, so it wasn't upsetting for me. But as the Cantor was singing and the Rabbi talking, I was thinking about my relationship with judaism. The comfort or the discomfort I feel when at a Jewish religious service. Hearing a cantor reminds me of my childhood, and I was thinking about how I wish that it wouldn't feel foreign for Anise. But I know I would never send her to a Jewish school, and I don't think I would be comfortable bringing her to synagogue, so how would she ever be exposed to that? I could take her to synagogue on high holidays, but how would I do that without the hypocrisy?

The Rabbi spoke about my great uncle, and of the fact that he was a holocaust survivor. He survived Auschwitz. And that became his identity. And they are dying. The last of the survivors, we are starting fresh, without that as a constant theme. Will some of the sadness also dissipate? What will Judaism feel like without those people? I grew up with the stories, and the music the songs, and the heaviness of the holocaust. Anise won't, and in some ways that is a good thing. Will she feel comfort when she goes to s Jewish service? Or will it feel foreign? How will I teach her all those beautiful songs? I have long forgotten the words.

Quiet

Shhhhh. I am hiding upstairs. Anise is downstairs with the babysitter and she doesn't know that I am here. I feel so guilty, as if I am spying on her and lying to her. She is remarkably quiet, especially considering she woke up from a nap. She is never like that with me!!! I don't hear one single whine. What do I do wrong?
Today I was supposed to stay home to get stuff done. I got nothing done. Oh well...at least I wrote this.

Spring

The days are getting longer, the weather nicer, and sleep is leaving us. No longer easy bedtime, no longer full nights without waking up, and naps are - forget it.

We are tired! Not any tired, but a great big tired. We need a week, no make that two, to really catch up. But we never will.

Husband thinks I should go away for a night. A whole night! Wouldn't that be amazing! No computer, just books. And me by myself in a hotel room, free to sleep as much as I want! It sounds like heaven and I think I just might do it.

It is spring (well almost, if you ignore the fact that it snowed all weekend) and that makes me want to clean. Since I can't clean because I wouldn't even know where to begin, I find myself longing for a new house instead. And if I can't have a new house, then maybe I would like to add a story to our house. Or maybe I should get new hair. A new hairstyle, but I want it long again and that requires patience. Which I don't have. If I did it would be easier to lose weight. That brings me to my next problem, losing weight. Which sucks. The stupid gym takes up all my time, plus I hate it, plus it weighs on me. But it is time to lose all this weight and hopefully all my other shit will melt away as well.

Yay spring.

Transition

I belong to a mom's group, we meet every Tuesday evening for 2 hours. It is a "Waldorf inspired mom's group" led by a kooky woman who was a Waldorf instructor, is inspired by Magda Gerber, and is a midwife for baby clowns (see what I mean when I say kooky). But this group is great, full of six bright, passionate, dogmatic, strong, intelligent, articulate woman, all coming from different places with different stories. We all have kids similar in age. The goal of this group is to nurture moms. I love that concept. We belong to so many child centric groups, it is refreshing and inspiring to be focused on mothers.

We begin each meeting with a check-in. We all say where we are, what we have been thinking lately. No one answers we just all listen and then breathe. Last night I realized where I was, and where Anise is: we are in transition. A good transition. Anise is walking now, and besides being the cutest thing on earth, it is incredible watching how proud she is of herself, and how she is just opening up and enjoying her new skill, and new independence. I have so many questions about child rearing, about activities, about how to be. I finally have a place where those can be answered.

I am learning so much. I have been reading a bit, but taking things slow (having learned from my past experiences with trying to follow a method when it comes to children). I have not formed an opinion about Waldorf education, because I am learning about it in bits. I don't feel like reading Steiner right now, nor do I want to read about Anthroposophy. But I love the mood, the energy and the spirituality of this group. And I love the wisdom this woman imparts. People have been putting books into circulation, and last night I put my copy of Momma Zen into the pile. Interestingly enough the topic of guilt came up for the first time. I feel guilt is such a strong prevalent negative force among educated moms I was surprised it had never came up before. How relevant then, was Momma Zen. The answer we all gave (independently) for dealing with guilt was being present (and that is what Momma Zen is all about).

I have been thinking about approaches, and my approach with Anise. I have been changing mine a little bit. But now I am able to step back and know that there is no answer and no right way of doing things, and I am proud of myself for remembering that.