Practice

I have a concert tomorrow. But I don't care. I care that Anise woke up every hour last night from 9:30 to 7:30. I care that she might be uncomfortable from teething, and that her whole mouth probably hurts.

I have become a better player since Anise was born. I don't need to practice anymore. I was never a big practicer but now I don't have to feel guilty about that (yup that's me) because I have a legitimate excuse. "Practice" is a misleading word. "Doing" is a better one. Everything that we can do we can already do. It is just a question of doing it. No one can teach a child how to play a musical instrument, they just play it in front of you. You explain to them where to put their fingers, then they move their fingers the right way at the right time. We integrate and become faster at things, but they are things we can already do, it is the focus and confidence that changes.

I will never forget going for a lesson, after a bad week of practicing (which I always kept secret), and being told that I practice too much. That is when I realized that my well kept secret will remain as such. No one needed to know, and if my teacher didn't know, then it didn't matter.

Now I am free. I play. I enjoy the music because I am intensely focused. It is the only time now that I focus on something and let go of parenting. It is the only time the mother part of my brain shuts off, and it terrifies me. That is why I dread concerts, because it means I am letting go, when I don't feel ready to. It is getting slightly easier, but having to do that with a 3 month old went against my whole body and it shook me up. I wasn't ready physically or emotionally then.

After I gave birth I had difficulty "coming down". I was in a state of high performance 24 hours a day. It was partially hormonal, and partially recognizing what that state of pure focus feels like. Playing the flute now feels like a breeze.

I see what we are capable of, and my patience is worn thin. If I could do it, you could do it. It has become increasingly difficult for me to work with good musicians who are not confident, and end up wrecking their music by wanting to do it over and over again, instead of just listening and reacting. It is not their fault. They don't know they could let go, and they are dependent on the superstition of readiness. Some people think that they play better if they wear their lucky underwear. Thinking you will play it better just because you do it one more time is the same. When the music and the ensemble is ready it is time to let it go.

I have to have confidence in Anise. Her teeth hurt her, yet she is smiling. She will be able to handle whatever change may come. I can see it, Anise is smiling, I have to smile too.

Lessons

One day I will write the story of Anise's conception and birth. Not now. But I am realizing how hard it is for everything to go right. I don't know anyone who has had all of the following go smoothly:

1)Conception
2)Pregnancy
3)Delivery
4)Breastfeeding

But it is supposed to! I have never had my faith in nature so profoundly shaken. I had 3 miscarriages, difficulty conceiving (needed IVF), a cesarean section (when I had planned a home birth) and serious pain while breastfeeding. Before the saga of working to have a child I sincerely believed my body would perform. I had my whole belief system shaken. It was like having my religion taken away from me. I guess that is a good thing, because that is precisely what is wrong with religion, it doesn't allow for the unpredictable (unless it is a religion that worships a god, then you blame him). I learned to accept, and be, and be appreciative, and happy, and once again, to not judge. That seems to be a theme here.

To not judge. This takes practice, especially as a musician. We spent most of our childhood, and then many years later, going for weekly sessions where we were listened to and judged. Some of us started early taking exams and being judged, others entered competitions where they were judged, only to go on to take auditions where we are judged, and then perform for audiences where we feel judged. Yet we believe in ourselves, and we take the risk. We risk humiliation, but in the moment it feels like we are risking death (that is adrenaline doing its job). I had many lessons with my beloved teacher who would tell me to play more confidently, to believe in myself, then after one bar would stop me and correct something!

How does all of this relate to parenthood? How I long for a weekly lesson in parenting, given to me by the world expert, someone who I think is the best in the whole world, who will correct me, tell me to have confidence, but "do it this way". How do we not feel judged? why does it somehow feel that there is a right way somewhere out there that no one is telling us about? Why do I feel like I have gotten it wrong. I know everyone wings it, it just doesn't feel that way. this tremendous responsibility has me wavering in and out of different conflicting states of mind. Nothing matters, it all matters. Who cares where or when she fell asleep, she needs to sleep in her bed at an early hour. We have this illusion of control. The truth is you cannot control another individual. You cannot force someone to sleep or to eat, you can just listen and try to guide. And love.

Guilt

I could call every single post guilt, but I won't, this will be the last. I come from a culture of guilt, I also have guilt by nature,and I am realizing that we live in a guilt-producing culture (which by my definition of guilt is not possible, since guilt is something created by the individual. It is also fully controllable and we choose to feel guilty - why? - I think it eases our guilt!). I am speaking about parenting of course. I even feel guilty for feeling guilty, knowing that babies pick up on everything, I don't want to be teaching guilt. But there you go! I am learning and practicing to let go of all of that. If you truly live in the moment guilt does not exist, because guilt implies there are future consequences of past or present occurrences.

Here is the list of things I feel guilty about every day:

Heating up baby food in the microwave
Occasionally giving water in a plastic cup
Feeding baby cheerios
Feeding baby non-organic meat
Not eating enough vegetables
Not eating only organic while breastfeeding
Not taking vitamins
Not exercising
Breastfeeding baby to sleep 3 times a day
Putting baby to bed late even though she won't go to bed early
Not cooking enough for baby (who hardly eats anything anyway, which of course is my fault)
Not accomplishing enough outside the home
Not keeping the house clean
Not cooking enough
Not reading enough
Using portable phones
Using a computer
Watching TV
Vaccinating baby


Wow, that is a long list. All easily solvable by either doing the things I feel guilty about not doing, or not caring.

Ok, now that it is written down, and so is my resolution, the guilt is over. There that was easy.

Who hasn't read the conflicting advice, I read too much. I thought I had a philosophy, now I have learned that the rigidness of a philosophy is absurd and damaging. Now I have a philosophy of no philosophy, and no judgment.

I have learned not to judge, but this came late in life and after having events shoved in my face. But now every time I open my mouth to say something judgmental or to gossip I imagine it is being said about me, and I stop.
I stop

To Write a Blog

"Why would anyone want to write a blog?" I am writing a blog. I am a lot of things besides a writer I once wasn't. I am a mom. I am inspired by other moms, one in particular who wrote a book and has a blog called Cheerio Road. I don't have time to write, I don't have time to cook, or clean, or food shop, or do laundry, but here I am writing. I want to put my crazy thoughts down. I don't know if I will ever have sleep-deprived thoughts like this again, so if nothing but for posterity I feel compelled to write. More later.